|
WEEK 6: TRANSCEND
This week has been all about overcoming fears, pushing through my traumas and unpacking the deep insecurities I have had about becoming successful and an "adult". I have had to be gentle and loving with myself as I release my emotions and figure out who I am now on the verge of turning 29 [November 5th]. I have always been in absolute love with my ability to burn up and then rise again, like the Phoenix. I hated the name Jean, really until early college when I saw XMEN and learned about Jean Gray. I had this thought revisit me last night when watching the newest XMEN movie, with Sophie Turner playing a young Jean Gray that is SEVERELY impacted by TRAUMA. The confusion in her identity, self worth, where she fits in the world and what it means to hold extreme power all resonate with me deeply. Because trauma and PTSD have made me feel abnormal my whole life. I was raised into abuse and only knew toxic situations until now. And all this time I have felt severely inadequate without even realizing it. I have focused on helping others, connecting with people, and making many moves to survive on my own. Meeting a partner and falling in love at 25 was a huge challenge after spending all my dating years with abusive partners. And being abandoned at 16 by both parents while I was pregnant with my h.s. monstrocity of a relationship was the worst. I felt broken for so long. And this man suddenly came into my life wanting to be a family and make a family. So we did. We got married and welcomed two babies in the last 5 years. And though the stereotype goes, finding a man should have been the solution to all my single mom problems----> IT VERY MUCH FUCKING WAS NOT. Coparenting is hard. Releasing control, trust, and security after being alone for 25 years meant being with someone and allowing them into my space felt PHENOMENALLY WORSE than just being single. I felt in the last few years like I still stayed on autopilot. I traded busy college life and trying to overachieve as a single mom to being a busy mom of 3 with a husband, AND an instant business owner since I married an Entrepreneur. I was completely out of my element and had no idea how to handle all of it. Worst part was I still had not STOPPED and stood still to awaken to the trauma and pent up pain I had. It was not until this year, in May [the anniversary month of leaving my abusive parents] , that I had a complete BREAK DOWN in front of my husband and let him have it all. I had to trust myself and trust him enough to lean in and release. It was a catapult for me into realness and being AWAKE for the first time in my life. Having to unpack because the bags were dragging me down and I was stuck on pause for far too long. So I began my work. Doing it how I knew best. I began to write and process. Analyze my experiences. Seek retribution and when possible, closure. I started to intentionally look for my sorest spots and heal my wounds. Now that I committed for over 4 months, I cannot believe I did not do this sooner. And not in a get down on myself kind of way. It is more like finding the perfect fit, the most amazing lifestyle I could lead, and wondering how I never found it sooner. I am far too analytical and curious to settle with simple answers. I do not think it was only divine timing or my cries out into the universe that brought me such joy now. I think I could have done "this" sooner. This unpacking and facing of my fears. The Phoenix rises over and over. In nature with its character, a Phoenix cyclically regenerates or is otherwise born again. In fact, in ancient Greece and Rome, the Phoenix was associated with Phoenicia, a civilization famous for its production of purple dye from conch shells. I have always loved the color purple, only, and found strength in it. Now it is the color scheme for my blog and projects, because as it turns out Purple also represents Anxiety. That is because lavender and amethyst are both holistic remedies for Anxiety. Every "silly" little detail, when strung together is like a fine pearl necklace. All is arranged perfectly and in line, like it was MEANT to be that way. And this is a power, this stringing of details and analyzing of human experiences. Our experiences, both good and bad, string together and take shape in who we are. When you identify with the Phoenix, it is an even more POWERFUL and strong trait. The ability to RESHAPE what we THINK we knew. Burning is a process that actually cleanses and causes renewal when it happens in nature [unassisted by humans]. And it was discovered that every 5 to 25 years, an ecosystem would cause a natural fire to take place and replenish the environment. A healing process that brought more growth and prosperity after. The trauma I endured, every 4 years turning into some other challenging situation, were my natural burning and cleansing periods. I was able to weather them and in return grow stronger into the next phase of my life. As I embark on 29 years of age, I leave behind 4 years with my husband as an entrepreneur and new mom again. I enter a new phase now, becoming the woman I want to be and the role model I want to be for my little family. I am feeling a lifting of the fog as I face my trauma and challenge myself past my own limitations. It feels liberating, as I wield my pain into power. As I finally embrace who I am and what I am yet to be. And I reshape the past things I once attached to my character into new strengths. I once was afraid to be heard, now I make sure I am heard daily. I once was afraid to be found, now I make myself seen wherever I am in my day to day ---> both online and in person. I now realize the strength I have in knowing what it is like to be broken and reborn. ----------------------- I remember the day I learned the word "vicariously" and I loved how it rolled off the tongue. That was in 9th grade with my favorite teacher. I lived for many years living through books, healthy friends' lives and the stories I attached myself to. But I never lived for me. "Transcend" was the word and the change I was looking for. A way to take what I am, who I am, and what I have been through into my OWN hands----> to mold myself into what I ACTUALLY envision. Though everyone takes their own approach and should honor their own visions, this is what feels right for me. I now see that I am not a PRODUCT of my past. And it is not DANGEROUS to look at my own stories or show them to others. It is a gift. ♡ Here's to the renewal period and blossoming where I land. I am so terrified of showing up. So every single day, I like to make myself uncomfortable by showing up. But it is not enough for me to exclaim vulnerability like a millennial for dipping my toe nail in the water. I am doing myself a huge disservice every single day and I know it. While I am in my happy place watching Youtubers' and listening to Podcasts, I am so uncomfortable at the idea of showing my face or recording my voice because I do not want to be ridiculed. I have asked myself why and made up many lies already. I told myself i was not ready, that i did not have enough experience, that i am too shy or melancholy, that i need to practice first. And it was all a series of BULLSHIT. I pride myself on being honest, brave, and authentic but I also ridicule myself for not being enough of those things. So here it is. Plain and simple. I want to be seen and heard. I do not want fame, but I sure as fuck want to be liked. The neglected inner child and abused adolescent girl deep within my psyche are begging for love. And I have been told this by specialists and social workers before but always sneared or wrinkled my nose in a way where I was sure I was no stereo type. I was NOT submitting to someone else's interpretative story of the psychological issues an abused person must have. I would not let them define me.  But here I am at 28, with this newfound passion for blogging about Trauma and a lifetime of stories to fit within this niche. Here I am, hiding behind a screen and shaking to the core at the idea of hitting the record button. And the truth is it is not fear of not loving what I do, but in me not being received well. In me becoming visible to the people who hurt me. If I reveal myself, will I be able to handle the responses. And this is a natural response for any human, as vulnerability is scary, but especially challenging for an abuse survivor with PTSD. My brain was trained to not like myself chronically. To feel insecure, broken, weak, fearful, jittery, easily malleable, and fleeting. My mind tells me daily that I will not be able to see through my responsibilities. That I WILL MESS UP. That I will fail. And the worst part is that often I listen. But those whispers of doubt actually do confuse me. I think it is my intuition and inner guidance telling me things like "you know you always get excited for a few days and then ditch that thing you are doing", "you think you can wake up early but years of trying have proven you cannot" to which I respond "yeah, you are right". I say, yeah....I am not going to follow through with this. I am going to panic and not like this. I am going to lose interest or drop the ball. I always do this and I always will. And these are all lies. Manipulation and abuse left a shadow in my head, one that creeps around and lingers in my dreams or motivations, to make sure it can control me at its' will. That shadow is called the aftermath. And what we mostly do not realize for far too long is that there was a time when that shadow did not even exist in our head or body, because it IS NOT OURS. People-- Those who can relate to this nagging voice of "I am not good enough and no one will like me" ---------> can you recall a time when you did not say those things? A time when you were neutral or even had joy in what you did or who you were? Most of you can. I realize now, in analyzing my journey, that I was born into and raised by abusive, sick people. So my first education in mindset and ability was tainted by trauma. So I am not merely lost in a shadow of doubt because of a hard time in my life that left me wrecked....I was hardwired this way. And yet, I have always LOVED to set myself apart and LEAP into opportunities. I have always OOOZED CREATIVITY and EXCITEMENT for the things I could achieve. I loved grade school and thrived in College, going OVERBOARD AND EXTRA in every project i did. I still think of ways to be OUT OF THE BOX and GET PUMPED when working on something i am passionate about. SO WHAT GIVES?  I am brave. I am vulnerable. I test my limits and I take risks in order to move forward with my ideas instead of staying in paralysis analysis or not doing anything at all. BUT if I take a step back and see what I do naturally, I realize this analyzing of my own behaviors is false. Because there are always more ways to level up. I have a million ideas a day for videos, blog posts, social media content, art and writing, collaboration ideas, Inspirational books, creative and helpful content to help people grow ------> I rethink the mental health care system, challenge myself to come up with new and improved ways to talk to youth about mental health and abuse, I research trauma and formulate ways for people to self diagnosis and deactivate trauma responses while living with PTSD. MY MIND IS A CONSTANT FLOW OF ENERGY IN THE TRAUMA-SPHERE AND I HAVE VALUE TO BRING TO THIS WORLD. So what the hell am I hiding from? I am not a scared little girl hiding in her room behind a dresser. I am not powerless and weak or inadequate in any way ---------> and I have all the options and tools I need to show up fierce in what I know and what I am most passionate about. I never thought I fit the TEXTBOOK DEFINITION of an abuse victim. Because I am energetic, keep busy, love to connect, enjoy talking about progressive ideologies and social constructs so I can advocate for better ways to thrive in life.  I am not "Stuck". But then I realized.... I do have an immobile piece of me that keeps me from the NEXT THING. My mind may be pinging around like a pinball game and I may physically run around doing things ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But where the fu*k has my self esteem been chilling out? My self worth. If I take to a keyboard or pen and paper, my thoughts have a place to escape and take life. But so long as I hold back from speaking and showing my face, I hide the one piece of me that is "Stuck on Pause". -------> My pride. The thing that got stomped on by abusive lovers, when I was cheated on and lied to relentlessly. When someones' I loved all looked me in the eyes with promises not meant for me, and I was the one left as a dime a dozen. The thing that made me cry my heart out like I was screaming for help, until my throat was sore, even though no one could hear me ---> after my dad tried to kill me and then told me he never wanted to see me again. The thing that made me justify lost opportunities that I was too lazy to finish, or that I was too afraid to even apply to; "that was not meant for me", "I can tell it was not in my path". The thing that made me not admit my shame in walking around as a teen mother in clothing too tight and pee leaking without my permission, while all the senior girls were looking for prom dresses "because I was never even into that sort of thing." The thing that made me sue my parents for abandonment, even though I thought at the time I was doing that shit for honor when it was really for revenge. And validation. And then I lost, sitting there while my parents lied under oath about never having substance addictions or abusing me. And I listened to them validate being "regular parents who disciplined their unruly teen who got pregnant more than once and ran away constantly." And though I disassociated with the memories of that day, I have since recalled how I sat there in shock rather than fighting back or demanding a better lawyer. Instead I just fell in defeat.  My pride has been hurt over and over again. Having "friends" or toxic relationships I humored because I wanted connections and to be loved, but got scorned and burned by. Only to message them or try to reach out for years because I felt broken by the end of the relationship that was never healthy to begin with. My pride was hurt when I honored not one but two different long term relationships with my obsessive need to paint a pretty picture and make the best of things, when I had to lead them like cattle to plan any date and be thankful for the crumbs of disinterest I labeled as LOVE of someone just "inexperienced". Master manipulators that I would have a heart breaking attachment to long after it was over, trying to message them and find closure or justify why I tolerated red flags from the start. My pride does not want to admit I was duped because I did not know better. Or worse, that I did know better because everyone I ever got close to was just willing to humor me and I purposely ran with it further than they had the rope for. Because it was better than nothing. So now when I think about the social workers with poor delivery skills, who bluntly told me I had a baby at 16 so someone would finally love me ----> to the lawyer I had recently for something good my husband and i are working towards for our family telling me that i must worship my husband because he is the only stability in my life and I would not bare life without him..... I WANT TO SHOUT AND SCREAM, FKKKKKKKK YOU that is not me. But I am now humbled enough to realize that the things we find offense in and the things we hate most are a mirror of our deepest insecurities. What if I have a deep motivation to be a people-pleaser after all? What if I pride myself on vulnerability and yet it is like someone who fell accidentally into a pool and avoided a panic attack while trying not to drown, later claiming they dove off the diving pool and did a perfect landing. Bad delivery or not, multiple professionals reading off textbook jargon to sum up who I am hurts me. Because I have been hurt. Because I have trauma and I have kept tears locked away in safe boxes, all labeled in stickers with sharpie I hand wrote. In clean and neat rows, by the hundreds, hidden in the back office of my brain. Pain cannot break me down if i micromanage it and hire a part of me to work full time without vacation or pension to guard that door. Pride sits there on her tall stool and watches that room like a motherfucking boss. I will not submit to temptation, pride says. But that's the thing. So long as pride sits there with that pain and those secrets kept neatly tucked away ----> the information never leaks and my brain stays safe...I do not crumble from the avalanche of traumatic human experiences, and all stays right in my world -----> but Pride is a prisoner and does not age or mature like a NORMAL, HEALTHY persons pride would. It just stays Stuck on Pause in purgatory. And that my friends is all just bullshit. Once you have awareness, you cannot sit still with it. You are changed. I am now calling on Pride. I have a new job for her. I need her to see a fucking therapist and the light of day again. I need to tell Pride to join me in a new mission: to SHOW UP. And I want to play match maker, because I think her and vulnerability may fall in love after sitting together for a while. There is no longer a reason to keep files buried. I want to go in there myself, Pro Bono, and open each drawer. I want to read every single page out loud to you. I want to SHOW UP and I want you to receive me with love, empathy, kindness and compassion. Because I am scared. And this is pride finally taking some vacation time. I want to be important and relevant to myself. That was the approval I needed all along.
I am so terrified of showing up.
So every single day, I like to make myself uncomfortable by showing up. But it is not enough for me to exclaim vulnerability like a millennial for dipping my toe nail in the water. I am doing myself a huge disservice every single day and I know it. While I am in my happy place watching youtubers and listening to podcasts, I am so uncomfortable at the idea of showing my face or recording my voice because I do not want to be ridiculed. I have asked myself why and made up many lies already. I told myself i was not ready, that i did not have enough experience, that i am too shy or melancholy, that i need to practice first. And it was all a series of BULLSHIT. I pride myself on being honest, brave, and authentic but I also ridicule myself for not being enough of those things. So here it is. Plain and simple. I want to be seen and heard. I do not want fame, but I sure as fuck want to be liked. The neglected inner child and abused adolescent girl deep within my psyche are begging for love. And I have been told this by specialists and social workers before but always sneared or wrinkled my nose in a way where I was sure I was no stereo type. I was NOT submitting to someone else's interpretional story of the psychological issues an abused person must have. I would not let them define me. But here I am at 28, with this newfound passion for blogging about Trauma and a lifetime of stories to fit within this niche. Here I am, hiding behind a screen and shaking to the core at the idea of hitting the record button. And the truth is it is not fear of not loving what I do, but in me not being received well. In me becoming visible to the people who hurt me. If I reveal myself, will I be able to handle the responses. And this is a natural response for any human, as vulnerability is scary, but especially challenging for an abuse survivor with PTSD. My brain was trained to not like myself chronically. To feel insecure, broken, weak, fearful, jittery, easily malleable, and fleeting. My mind tells me daily that I will not be able to see through my responsibilities. That I WILL MESS UP. That I will fail. And the worst part is often I listen. But those whispers of doubt actually do confuse me. I think it is my intuition and inner guidance telling me things like "you know you always get excited for a few days and then ditch that thing you are doing", "you think you can wake up early but years of trying have proven you cannot" to which I respond "yeah, you are right". I say, yeah....I am not going to follow through with this. I am going to panic and not like this. I am going to lose interest or drop the ball. I always do this and I always will. And these are all lies. Manipulation and abuse left a shadow in my head, one that creeps around and lingers in my dreams or motivations, to make sure it can control me at its' will. That shadow is called the aftermath. And what we mostly do not realize for far too long is that there was a time when that shadow did not even exist in our head or body, because it IS NOT OURS. People. Those who can relate to this nagging voice of "I am not good enough and no one will like me" ---------> can you recall a time when you did not say those things? A time when you were neutral or even had joy in what you did or who you were? Most of you can. I realize now, in analyzing my journey, that I was born into and raised by abusive, sick people. So my first education in mindset and ability was tainted by trauma. So I am not merely lost in a shadow of doubt because of a hard time in my life that left me wrecked....I was hardwired this way. And yet, I have always LOVED to set myself apart and LEAP into opportunities. I have always OOOZED CREATIVITY and EXCITEMENT for the things I could achieve. I loved grade school and thrived in College, going OVERBOARD AND EXTRA in every project i did. I still think of ways to be OUT OF THE BOX and GET PUMPED when working on something i am passionate about. SO WHAT GIVES? I am brave. I am vulnerable. I test my limits and I take risks in order to move forward with my ideas instead of staying in paralysis analysis or not doing anything at all. BUT if I take a step back and see what I do naturally, I realize this analyzing of my own behaviors is false. Because there are always more ways to level up. I have a million ideas a day for videos, blog posts, social media content, art and writing, collaboration ideas, Inspirational books, creative and helpful content to help people grow ------> I rethink the mental health care system, challenge myself to come up with new and improved ways to talk to youth about mental health and abuse, I research trauma and formulate ways for people to self diagnosis and deactivate trauma responses while living with PTSD. MY MIND IS A CONSTANT FLOW OF ENERGY IN THE TRAUMA SPHERE AND I HAVE VALUE TO BRING TO THIS WORLD. So what the hell am I hiding from? I am not a scared little girl hiding in her room behind a dresser. I am not powerless and weak or inadequate in any way ---------> and I have all the options and tools I need to show up fierce in what I know and what I am most passionate about. I never thought I fit the TEXTBOOK DEFINITION of an abuse victim. Because I am energetic, keep busy, love to connect, enjoy talking about progressive ideologies and social constructs so I can advocate for better ways to thrive in life. I am not "Stuck". But then I realized.... I do have an immobile piece of me that keeps me from the NEXT THING. My mind may be pinging around like a pinball game and I may physically run around doing things ALL THE FUCKING TIME. But where the fu*k has my self esteem been chilling out? My self worth. If I take to a keyboard or pen and paper, my thoughts have a place to escape and take life. But so long as I hold back from speaking and showing my face, I hide the one piece of me that is "Stuck on Pause". ----------> My pride. The thing that got stomped on by abusive lovers, when I was cheated on and lied to relentlessly. When someones' I loved all looked me in the eyes with promises not meant for me, and I was the one left as a dime a dozen. The thing that made me cry my heart out like I was screaming for help, until my throat was sore, even though no one could hear me ---> after my dad tried to kill me and then told me he never wanted to see me again. The thing that made me justify lost opportunities that I was too lazy to finish, or that I was too afraid to even apply to; "that was not meant for me", "I can tell it was not in my path" . The thing that made me not admit my shame in walking around as a teen mother in clothing too tight and pee leaking without my permission, while all the senior girls were looking for prom dresses "because I was never even into that sort of thing." The thing that made me sue my parents for abandonment, even though I thought at the time I was doing that shit for honor when it was really for revenge. And validation. And then I lost, sitting there while my parents lied under oath about never having substance addictions or abusing me. And I listened to them validate being "regular parents who disciplined their unruly teen who got pregnant more than once and ran away constantly." And though I disassociated with the memories of that day, I have since recalled how I sat there in shock rather than fighting back or demanding a better lawyer. Instead I just fell in defeat. My pride has been hurt over and over again. Having "friends" or toxic relationships I humored because I wanted connections and to be loved, but got scorned and burned by. Only to message them or try to reach out for years because I felt broken by the end of the relationship that was never healthy to begin with. My pride was hurt when I honored not one but two different long term relationships with my obsessive need to paint a pretty picture and make the best of things, when I had to lead them like cattle to plan any date and be thankful for the crumbs of disinterest I labeled as LOVE of someone just "inexperienced". Master manipulators that I would have a heart breaking attachment to long after it was over, trying to message them and find closure or justify why I tolerated red flags from the start. My pride does not want to admit I was duped because I did not know better. Or worse, that I did know better because everyone I ever got close to was just willing to humor me and I purposely ran with it further than they had the rope for. Because it was better than nothing. So now when I think about the social workers with poor delivery skills, who bluntly told me I had a baby at 16 so someone would finally love me ----> to the lawyer I had recently for something good my husband and i are working towards for our family telling me that i must worship my husband because he is the only stability in my life and I would not bare life without him..... I WANT TO SHOUT AND SCREAM, FKKKKKKKK YOU that is not me. But I am now humbled enough to realize that the things we find offense in and the things we hate most are a mirror of our deepest insecurities. What if I have a deep motivation to be a people pleaser after all? What if I pride myself on vulnerability and yet it is like someone who fell accidentally into a pool and avoided a panic attack while trying not to drown, later claiming they dove off the diving pool and did a perfect landing. Bad delivery or not, multiple professionals reading off textbook jargon to sum up who I am hurts me. Because I have been hurt. Because I have trauma and I have kept tears locked away in safe boxes, all labeled in stickers with sharpie I hand wrote. In clean and neat rows, by the hundreds, hidden in the back office of my brain. Pain cannot break me down if i micromanage it and hire a part of me to work full time without vacation or pension to guard that door. Pride sits there on her tall stool and watches that room like a motherfucking boss. I will not submit to temptation, pride says. But that's the thing. So long as pride sits there with that pain and those secrets kept neatly tucked away ----> the information never leaks and my brain stays safe...I do not crumble from the avalanche of traumatic human experiences, and all stays right in my world -----> but Pride is a prisoner and does not age or mature like a NORMAL, HEALTHY persons pride would. It just stays Stuck on Pause in purgatory. And that my friends is all just bullshit. Once you have awareness, you cannot sit still with it. You are changed. I am now calling on Pride. I have a new job for her. I need her to see a fucking therapist and the light of day again. I need to tell Pride to join me in a new mission: to SHOW UP. And I want to play match maker, because I think her and vulnerability may fall in love after sitting together for a while. There is no longer a reason to keep files buried. I want to go in there myself, probono, and open each drawer. I want to read every single page out loud to you. I want to SHOW UP and I want you to receive me with love, empathy, kindness and compassion. Because I am scared. And this is pride finally taking some vacation time. I want to be important and relevant to myself. That was the approval I needed all along. J.S., Jaded Savior www.jadedsavior.com Almost every day I make a post and use my words to empower people. I feel the calling to be blunt, raw, and open with everyone. I try to put a positive spin on things and share my trauma through unique writing styles. Most of all, I try to leave little sparks for people who need it. Today has been a rough day. And I don't want to hide the rough times I go through. I want to be as authentic as possible about my experiences and push myself to be vulnerable. Today I have cried my eyes out. I have screamed at the top of my lungs, so loud my throat now hurts. I have lost my patience multiple times and had to put myself in time out to catch my breathe in the bathroom. Today I have yelled at my kids, had a heart attack when one Iof them busted his bottom lip on a toy while running around, and then taught another one a bad word accidentally. The kid who is a parrot and repeats everything 73626383 times. Today has been so hard I am already tired for tomorrow. I have so much stress my stomach hurts and I cannot think straight. But that is HUMAN. We have these UGLY ASS DAYS. Some more than others. And though in the moment I feel helpless, I know it will pass. And I know I am not the only one. If you had a hard day, a hard week, or this entire year has been a giant ball of FFUUUCCCCKKKKKKK, know that hard times will come and go. Like a rollercoaster. But if you lean in and pay attention to the details, you can find better ways to handle yourself. I cannot control what will happen to me all the time. I cannot spend my every second thinking of possibilities and outcomes. But I can control who I am and what I do. I can choose to be REACTIVE or ACTIVE in finding solutions. I also have to honor my feelings. Sometimes I have to just cry it out. And know those feelings have to be expelled from my body so they do not manifest into something else. You will get through what hardships you have, as will I. It helps to know we are not alone. Everybody has stress, bills, a mouth to feed and a heart to care for. Everyone has UGLY AF days and HARD AF decisions to make. No matter how rich or poor, what color you are or what your age is. Life can feel really hard and unfair sometimes. But we have to hold strong and work hard. Most of all, remember to just breathe.  WEEK 4: DECLUTTER
I am about to get super real and super emotional -- so thank you for the love and patience you will need for this long post. I am calling in the FULL TRIBE because I need love and support for this. And I am too afraid to ask for it. But here I am, showing up. Every week I blog + post about my healing journey and pick a topic intuitively to focus on. Every single week, that topic ends up SO incredibly powerful in my life. This week I have been CLEANING, DECLUTTERING and WEEDING OUT the things in my life I need to release. RELEASE. LET GO OF. GET RID OF. And so many things have needed to go. At first, it was easy. Throw away old papers. Donate old clothing. Clean up the house and get all the chores done. Start deleting people in my FB feed and weeding out what does not serve me on social media. BUT the UNIVERSE had a surprise for me. In fact, maybe a few. As it turns out, I HAVE A LOT OF BULLSHIT THOUGHTS AND EXCUSES in my mind that just need to fucking go. I have been TERRIFIED AND BLOCKED MAJORLY from turning my blog into a business. I am scared to level up. I am scared to make money. I am scared to grow. WHAT DA FAAAAK. I have been a warrior in my life. ALWAYS SURVIVING, through abusive parents and lovers, being a single mom as a teenager, going to college as a single mother, juggling life and still following my dreams. For the past WELL 28 years, I have been fighting to survive. AND I STILL HAVE MY FISTS UP. As someone with Complex PTSD, anxiety, and depression --- my triggers happen daily. Most of the day I spend just trying to breathe and think things through. Every single day I get panic attacks or a short temper. I have to manage my damn self daily. Reparent myself. Rewire myself. Love myself through it all. WHILE also raising 3 kids who are little and need me. While trying to figure out after nearly 5 years of being a mother of 3 -------> how to RE-ENTER with a PROFESSION. HOW to make MONEY doing what I love. Because that is really important to me. We all have bills to pay. We all have goals. This week, as I decluttered the easy stuff, I was met with such apprehensions as I thought about my next steps in business. I am AFRAID of failure. I AM AFRAID OF SUCCESS. BOTH things mean I am going to MOVE forward. Do things. When you have PTSD and depression, simply getting out of bed is a MOVE FORWARD. Although I spent 6 years in college BY MYSELF raising my first baby while going to full-time classes {an internshipp} and a job ----> I now feel so incapable. I have been a stay at home mom for one year, and before that I worked with my husband in his company. BUT I HAVE NOT EARNED MONEY INTO MY HAND OR BANK ACCOUNT FOR 5 YEARS. Because ALL the money we earned as entrepreneurs went back into the business and bills. ALL OF IT. I have money Trauma. and at the worst fucking time in my life. When I need it most. We have some HUGE opportunities coming our way and if we can get enough money saved up ----> We can move into our own place with a fresh start in a new area. The amount of stress and problems we have experienced in the last few years have been unreal. No one knows it but my husband is busy working hard to gain his citizenship. In a time where people are being deported and children are being taken by their families. BY OUR GOVERNMENT. My husband came here as a small child and has grown up in a hard-working immigrant family with such a strong work ethic. I grew up poor and have remained low class since living out on my own with my baby at 16. We both know what it means to be POOR. To struggle. We love each other so much that we would choose to live in a box to stay together. I would go anywhere to be with my hubby. And we were so lucky that the last few years together while having TWO babies back to back and raising my daughter, that we have had help from his family. But that help is coming to an end and it is time we move forward. We have two months to save up money and MOVE out. I have been scrambling this week to make a list of what will need to get done in order for us to leave. I have been alone all summer with my 3 kids while my husband worked with his one brother to try and earn a little money to pay our current bills and debt off. Many times we had to use credit cards to pay bills or buy food. We got organized this year and have tremendously paid off what we owed. But still, no profit and no savings. Adulting is fucking hard. I have never had proper guidance or someone to talk to me about bills + finances + how to function and properly do things. I spent my childhood and teen years caring for my alcoholic mother and evading the domestic violence in my home. The next 8 years after I spent raising a baby while getting myself into shelter and school. I have always been resourceful and tried EVERY TOOL IN THE TOOL BELT to achieve my goals. I rocked college, was KNOWN as a powerhouse, and still I often struggled HEAVILY with my PTSD before knowing my diagnosis. I have this SHAME, GUILT, RAGE about what I have gone through. And It drags me down like an anchor. This week I have realized I never decluttered my heart. I still carry HEAVY stories, hurt, fear, and overwhelm within me. So now is the hard part. The inner work. The pain removal. I don't want to just survive, I want to live and enjoy life to the fullest. And that starts with me making big changes in my own life. Me finding the strength and determination I have always had in my darkest times ---> But now using it to BOOST my life. OUT of cycles, OUT of survival mode, and OUT of this lifestyle. I am going to start my business NOW. I am going to show OFF the BAD ASS SKILLS I HAVE and the KNOWLEDGE I have. I need to. I cannot go on living with so many struggles. We are so excited for this move. Even though we are not prepared, we are going to make it work. And while my husband is busy working hard to feed us, I am going to work hard o GET US OUT of where we are at in order to live that FRESH START we have desired for years. 5 years and it has all come down to this. We want to be in our new place by NOVEMBER, which is my birth month and has always been my favorite season. I want to be able to say by the time I turn 29 that I have fucking done it. That I have gotten to where I want to be. A new city + our own place = The first time in my ENTIRE life that I will have a home of my own----> with my partner and our babies. A family. My own family, after so long not having anything or anyone. My kids deserve this. My spouse deserves this. After he spent his 30 years in this world just fighting every day to survive, with such little opportunity or money. I have endless respect for his family and the hardships they endured just to SURVIVE in this Country, because where they were from is SO DANGEROUS. We need this. And I need to move forward without a heavy heart. I am not the girl I used to be. I am not my trauma. I am not what my fears tell me I am. So It is time to LET GO and RELEASE myself from the BURDENS of a girl just trying to make it to the next day alive. I cannot wait to see what is in store for us. J.S. Jaded Savior I have a PSA for all of you who were once BROKEN BY DYSFUNCTION. Your path is not paved with trauma. In fact, you are just walking heavily each day waiting for the other shoe to drop because you are choosing it. AND THAT IS AN UNPOPULAR OPINION NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR. But it is a HARD #TRUTH. "I am not the kind of person who is x,y,z." "I cannot leave this person or thing, or else what will they do." "I cannot live with that choice because it would be selfish." Just stop. Stop swallowing your own bullshit. It only keeps you in a cage. And you spend so many years and so much anguish over something that only you alone have the power to change. With logic and healthy decision making, you can change your entire life around. This is not about manifesting into a better place in your relationship. This is about DUMPING and MOVING ON FROM toxic shit that you should not be trying to fix. A broken pipe should be fixed. A misunderstanding should be fixed. Emotional abuse tells you to get out and not look back. Yes ----> 1000% YES. Just like those terrible habits you have. The ones that keep you unsuccessful, unhappy, lonely, stuck or down right depressed about your life. STOP DOING THAT JOB YOU HATE. I MEAN IT. STOP. Guess what? You have on average 79 years to live According to Google. Guess what? You work on average 90,000 hours in your lifetime. :O Guess what? You spent on average 6,570 days with your parents raising you before you went on to college or move out to get married, your own life, or start a job elsewhere. Guess what? You spend on average 49 years with your spouse if you marry and never divorce. Guess what else? You spend as long as your child is alive on "parenting them" and being in your life -----> because we all strive to build life long bonds with our babies. But the reality is we also have just 18 years with them before they want to make decisions on their own. That is 18 summers. That is influenced by if your habits with them were HEALTHY OR TOXIC. SO, PLEASE.... tell me again why you cannot leave that job, tell that family member NO, break up in that relationship, or become something more/else for yourself? It is all bullshit. The things we hide behind in order to remain in the cage. In order to let the roads be smooth. Fulfillment and happiness are great, but the growth you do and the journey there is paved with jagged rocks and sweat. YOU WILL NEVER GET OUT if you act on that basic instinct trauma has caused you to develop. That thing that justifies keeping things as is. And time stops for nobody. Leave the rehabilitation to the person who needs it and let them figure it out for themselves. Leave the bullshit position you hate to fill the seat of something you truly want to do for the next 54+ years of your life. Or even better, make it your decision to do many things in the next 54+ years to not just earn money and have to pay for shit BUT to thrive, taste, feel, smell, and enjoy the fuck out of your ONE life your current soul embodies. Get out and do that thang. No room for excuses.  I want to say something that I have been holding back for a long time, because I know it will rock the boat. However, in my authenticity mission, it is now my personal obligation to RIP open my truths and spread them out for all to hear. I see something a lot, on Facebook mostly, that really rubs me the wrong way. I am pointing out this tactic, not trying to attack the people who do this. You all have your reasons, and maybe you are genuinely unaware of my perspective. This perspective. But here it goes anyways. ■Trauma stories are not a sales tactic ■ Sharing a really deep and personal struggle to really resonate with your clients is amazing. The truth and the rawness is so enticing, because we humans crave understanding. And we thrive with compassion. But when a coach or professional tells a long, traumatic story and ends it with "sign up tonight only for $111", my heart SINKS. I feel duped. Should you be able to, as a healer or coach, share your rawness? Duh. Yes. Should you be able to attract your target audience with rawness? Duh. Yes. But you have so many tactics available to you, including a website and squeeze pages, that can store your pricing and your programs. You can also write separate posts that say hey, remember me ---> the authenticity queen <--- I also make a living, and here is how you can join or support that. Having me read your assault story, your broken marriage, your eating disorder or some other traumatic experience makes me respect and honor your vulnerability. When there is a price tag attached to that vulnerability, I then feel like you are trying to mirror my traumas and then take my money. I am responsible for what triggers me. And I am doing that work. But when someone responds to me by saying, my sales are just triggering you, I feel compelled to say " No, honey, your sales are exploiting the heart of me that has already been kicked around. So you dont actually know how to speak to me as a trauma survivor." A trauma survivor may have all sorts of obstacles to overcome and that includes being a business owner as well as a client. It is hard being an entrepreneur with trauma. It is hard being a window shopper client on Facebook each day with all sorts of people telling compelling stories and then wanting to get paid. I respect and love coaches. I love entrepreneurs and all the work from home mamas I befriend who have a job, MLM career or their own. Those are my people. I also love all of the women on my feed who have been thru all sorts of trauma. And I respect them for each of their struggles. I have to make a living and pay the bills just like all of you. And we all have no clue what each others triggers are. But if you are selling to trauma survivors, please understand that your approach really does matter. And when you connect with us in our most raw and intense moments, we do not want to feel like there are strings attached. If we watch you and admire you, follow your work and want to reach out ----> WE WILL. We will come to you. We do not need to be baited. We do not need convincing. If you have to convince your clients to get help from you then they are not ready yet. And I know this as an entrepreneur, who is a mom and a trauma survivor. I know this as a woman who shares her truths. When I share my stories, it is to be honest and real with you all. When I share my projects or plans, it's to open up about my dreams and goals. When I start to monetize or sell, it will also be known and clear. Sans bait. When I PM a professional, I do not want to be sold something either. Let me ask you what you do and if I want or need it, I will tell you. If I post about my body fat, my communication problems or my parenting struggles, it is not an invite to get added to groups or be cold messaged about your sale and how you need just one more to hit your goal. I will never ever be rude or cruel to someone. I will never screen shot cold messages or hurt someone's feelings over their bad sales tactic. But I am not beyond telling them the truth about my feelings or opinion. Another thing -----> If I say I do not have the money, I mean it. The other worst post ever is when you sell your product by saying things like: "My clients say: 'I don't have the money' 'I don't have the time' That is so shitty. If someone tells you that, chances are 1 of 2 things: They are either TELLING THE FUCKING TRUTH or YOU MAKE THEM UNCOMFORTABLE. And what that means is you have no right to tell someone that they are not doing themselves a favor if they don't work with you. Stop telling your client market that they do not love themselves enough if they wont buy your lipstick, fake lashes, scented lotion, fat burners, books, courses, coaching sessions etc. Holy shit. If anyone wants what you have, I repeat, they will come to you. And the best sales tactic is to just show up as your wonderful fucking self consistently. Regardless of your makeup, your filter, your voice pitch, your background drop, your hair, your glittery jewelry.
And authenticity is fucking priceless.  WEEK 4: DECLUTTER
In May I lost a friendship that was 20 yrs in the making. And it was out of no where. Because of something I knew in my heart was fucking wrong and NOT TRUE. My bff thought I made a status about her that was passive aggressive?! When I was just having an ordinary day writing something about my life and thoughts. And it's funny because up until May, most of the people on my feed [about 800ish friends] were posting such negative + downer posts ALL THE TIME. ----> AND THOSE SAME PEOPLE SAID THINGS LIKE "STAAAP USING FACEBOOK AS A DIARY. I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR LIFE PROBLEMS." I would like to tell you ALL something right now. THAT IS STUPID. But not for the reasons I bought into back then. You see, I now write daily about personal shit. It started on May 21st, when I launched my blog with one of the most REAL, RAW long ass stories I ever told. It was a humiliating, sad, down right depressing time in my teen years. It was the day my parents all kicked me out, while I was 16 and 3 months pregnant. The same day my school made it clear I would need to leave. The same day I left my 16 years of child abuse and mentally insane inner circle behind. I launched on my 12 year mark since leaving that life behind ----> and one week after that friendship dissolved. I thought I would be in pieces over such a loss. Someone who I felt was like a sister. But in many ways, I didn't know myself only one season ago. I am blunt as all FUCK. I am raw, emotional, and I go all in when I love something. I am a story teller + an artist + an advocate. I am a dreamer AND doer. And I run with all my ideas. One of the most common phrases I have ever heard from others to describe me. "You just run with everything." "You have no fears." "You take life and turn it into what you NEED." I had no clue why I did not see myself that way before but it hit me this summer while working on more really raw content about abortion and rape. I want to have a TRANSPARENT soul and heart. I want to write who I am and what I do daily. I want to educate and empower through my most raw stories and I will tell you all about my life. And it is not because I "love to talk about me" or complain. Now I know what to say to people who have this view. STOP LAYING YOUR SHIT ON ME. And start digging deep into yourself. If you have ANGER, JEALOUSY, PARANOIA, INFERIORITY COMPLEX, SHAME, FEEL REJECTED, HAVE DEEP INSECURITIES, OR USE WHAT OTHER PEOPLE DO AS A WAY TO JUSTIFY YOUR BAD ATTITUDE.... Then you have unpacked TRAUMA babe. You have deep, unresolved issues that you are holding inside and YOU are mirroring that on everyone else. And to that, I have just one last thing to say.... Maybe you should write about it? 🤔🤔🤥👩💻
The 2 serious "first love" and "second love" relationships in my life ended with affairs. I was once told by a close girlfriend that it was me. Because if several men all did the same thing to ME, but several women go on dating without being treated this way, then I must have caused those things to occur. That I must also be one of few to actually experience cheating. Older me now knows SO MANY PEOPLE cheat and GET CHEATED ON. Wiser me now knows that people who cheat have mental issues. Yes. Facts. Someone who cheats experiences something either in their brain or their "mind" that is unhealthy or not working efficiently. Either they have awareness of their actions but rationalize cheating due to an insecurity or a flawed view of themselves. Or they lack empathy, compassion, and consideration for the person they are with and are cheating on. Also linked to disorders and mental health issues. ● So what will a healthy person in a relationship do INSTEAD of cheating or hurting their partner? A mentally healthy person will: 1. Speak with their partner about an incompatibility or relationship issue INSTEAD of finding a better compatibility with someone else while still in a relationship. 2. Speak about their sex/love life with their partner INSTEAD of seeking it elsewhere in secret. 3. Break off a current relationship if they are not happy being in it or being with that person INSTEAD of being with someone else while still in a relationship. 4. PRIORITIZE the moral, fair thing to do when handling a romantic relationship INSTEAD of putting their own feelings first. ------------------------------------ ● To address what mentally unhealthy partners do, we first have to ask: what kind of mental health issues are we talking about? What kind of people would cheat, abuse, neglect, and hurt their love partner? Here is what the science says: ■ Narcissist- Narcissists suffer from narcissistic personality disorder and it is defined in the fifth edition of the DSM (DMS-5). Narcissists are characterized by a pervasive pattern of grandiosity (either in fantasy or in behavior), a constant need for admiration and a lack of empathy. [As well as dozens of other characteristics of self importance and lack of care towards others well being]. ■ Psychopath-In order to be considered a psychopath, many other psychopathic symptoms such as a lack of attachment to others, superficial charm, dishonesty, manipulative and reckless risk-taking come into play. Psychopathy can also be called psychopathic personality disorder, suggesting, of course, that psychopathy is a personality disorder; however, it is not listed as such among all the others in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition (DSM-5) created by the American Psychiatry Association. The closest the DSM-5 gets is specifying a person with antisocial personality disorder as also a psychopath, but most researchers agree this isn't adequate. Many would argue that psychopathy needs its own diagnosis as a personality disorder separate from antisocial personality disorder. To make things more complicated, some people call those with antisocial personality disorder alone "psychopaths" but this is not accurate either (they would typically be known as sociopaths. ■ Antisocial personality disorder- Antisocial personality disorder is defined in the DSM-5 as a pervasive pattern of disregard for and violation of the rights of others and the rules of society. As stated, this diagnosis cannot be given to non-adults but the following features must be exhibited before age 16 to qualify for the antisocial personality disorder diagnosis: Repeated violations of the law Pervasive lying and deception Physical aggressiveness Reckless disregard for safety of self or others Consistent irresponsibility in work and family environments Lack of remorse --------------------------------- Does any of this sound familiar to you? Younger me surely never knew that I was victim to a specific type of partner. And to the girl who told me it was me, that I chose it or that I caused it..that is false. I never wanted to be with someone who would would play games with me or hurt me. I was always faithful and outspoken about my desire for monogamy. So what gives? I was with the same KIND of unhealthy people. Over and over. As a trauma survivor and victim of long term abuse since childhood, I was easily picked up by partners who fit these illnesses. None of them SEEMED abusive. In fact, they were each charming and sweet. They listened to me. They complimented me. They wanted to take me out. And they said all the right things. So I felt no different than my friends who shared with me how they were courted and loved by healthy, non abusive partners. They CHANGED. Or at least I thought so when I was less aware and educated in mental health and wellness. Probably because I had no guidance or security from parents growing up. Probably because my own abusive parents were mentally ill, so i did not differentiate between what is healthy and what is not. I had no fucking clue. All I knew is I was dating like anyone else, but constantly getting the shit end of the stick. And what was worse, was how my closest friends and theirs often completely excused or denied the abuses. No close friends of the guy were ever going to say "he is an abusive narcissist." What I now know is that the closest people, the inner circle to which abusers surround themselves with are often a clan of enablers. The manipulation and emotional abuse tactics that are used within a romantic relationship by an abuser are ALSO used subtly between the abuser and their most trusted people. That goes for family, friends, and exs. What I also now know is that the glamour a narcissist has over others reveals their own deepest insecurities. Often, family and friends will describe this person as generous and outgoing, charming and loving. And close guy friends may even "admire" or compliment him for how macho or manly he is. So how the hell are you supposed to know or find the moment in the relationship when abuse starts? It is nearly impossible when you think of it that way. So no one sees it, not even you. That is until you become aware and awakened to mental health and psychology. You start to psychoanalyze your world and the people around you. Then all the abusive, shitty people start to have an ultrasonic glow. A toxic, green light that alerts you. I am kidding of course. The truth is, a healthy person will never do things that are unhealthy. So whether or not your partner is abusive is an easy question to answer. Humans make mistakes. Even cheating can be a mistake. And we know relationship definitions are subjective. But are they? Not someone violates YOUR CODE. Not if you have made it clear what you want and they disobey or betray that. Right? Sort of. But that leads to victim blaming. The truth is that a healthy person WILL have empathy, respect, love, honor, loyalty etc. And even little mistakes that deviate us from making the right choices stem from insecurities which are [say it with me] UNHEALTHY.
You have a lot of healing, reflecting, and mapping out to do. So you can understand what traps you fell into, what mindset you had, and how you can both identify and avoid these relationships in the future. And you need to understand, with extreme confidence, that the MOMENT someone becomes UNHEALTHY in your life, that is when you no longer need them. No matter how long you are in it, how much you have sacrificed, how much you share with them. No matter if their are kids, but especially when you have kids. Do that hard inner work. Get to a safe place and a safe mindset. You are amazing, unique, and beautiful. And no one has the right or any excuse in the world to abuse you. Dysfunctional is not a relationship status. So I say this with so much sincerity: Love yourself enough to be healthy and happy. Love yourself and find someone who will love you just as much, with no excuses.  |
AuthorJean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community. Archives
December 2019
Categories
All
|
RSS Feed
