I want to be really authentic with you all right now because I have been anticipating this day all week and now that it is here, I feel ashamed and sad.
I have this vision of who I am supposed to be.
A brave, intellectual, strong woman with strength and determination in everything that I do.
I love to write, be real and share details of my whole life that are SO RAW and traumatic.
I want to validate and inspire others to show up, not as WHOLE, but as SHARDS.
Because the truth of it is we cannot really live if we just attempt to glue all those pieces back together and pass as normal.
I have been through some really heavy $hit.
Child abuse and abandonment leading to me filing for emancipation at 17.
Sexual trauma and domestic abuse leading to me being pregnant and experiencing abortion, both while still a teenager.
I have lived with and struggled with mentally ill, addicted parents who taunted and haunted me long after that emancipation.
This year I found out I have PTSD and extreme anxiety.
As a stay at home mom of 3 and wife, I can function just barely through my loose routine and I got by with little to no self care on the regular for the last several years. Putting my 11, 4 and 2 year old FIRST, and my needs into the waste basket.
I have learned, since starting my blog in May, that all the characteristics I thought were "me" growing up were actually symptoms of PTSD.
Being a high achiever, having fluctuating high and low energy, wanting to be busy all the time, reaching for a pen or paintbrush when I felt overwhelmed.
I was a chronic coping robot through my problems. I disassociated with a lot of abuse and horrific memories, smiling cheaply through my day flashbacks so others would think I was ok.
I am not ok.
The core of my work is to tell you all most authentically that I am not alright.
Because many of you are not ok either.
Today I spent over 60 minutes staring at my own face. Just looking at that START A LIVE VIDEO button.
I went in a weird spiral of "am I worthy?" To "who dafuq am i?" To "you can do this!" To "F*CK I CANNOT DO THIS."
I decided to post a status, "live in 5" to boost my accountability.
But as I began to have a panic attack, cry and then lose my shit all together -----> I realized that I was being TOXIC AF towards myself.
I was being ridiculously bullying.
Another truth is that I do not have to do this today.
Or maybe, I can do it but with someone else.
When I show up around others, I glow.
I love to talk and have debates. I love to bring up beautiful points and delve into different perspectives.
In fact, I can promise you all that I will be showing up soon.
Collaborative work sets my soul on fire. With passion and purpose.
But showing up as myself, to look at myself, does not.
So here today, on 11:11, I am doing something super empowering.
I am telling myself, in love, that it is ok to be afraid. That I need more time and love.
That there will be other days ahead.
And just like that. That sentence. This magic I was hoping to discover by going live.
I have found it.
There are going to be more days ahead.
I am finally doing what I love.
And I am honoring this journey, all the little steps I take, because future me knows this is how it has to be right now.
I allowed self awareness to catch the fact that I was bullying myself and really exacerbated my panic attack by saying things to myself like "what the hell are you afraid of?"
When I should be saying:
"Look how far you have come."
"Girl. You made it to this chair. You are here in the present. Doing something you love.
To help people who have survived what you have. And you are rocking the absolute shit out of it. Because you are not hiding.
You are just speaking your truth one shaky sentence at a time.
And isn't that how all great novels got written?
One fearless line at a time." - J.S.
So here's to the rest of my days.
The days I will be scared.
The days I will be shaky.
The days I will worry.
It's ok to allow yourself to GO SLOW.
This is not a f*cking race.
Growth is not a race.
Be gentle with yourself.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: email@example.com
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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