"Jaded Savior" is a serious title I have come to identify myself with, since reflecting on my last 12 years post-trauma of leaving my parents' home and becoming a mother for the first time. Throughout childhood, my lifestyle was overwhelming and abusive. In spite of the troubled homes of my divorced parents that I bounced between, I was passionate and excited for all of the dreams I wanted to achieve in the arts and literature field.
I knew since I was 7 that I wanted to become a great artist + writer, one that traveled the world and connected with other people through sharing my talents. I used to draw and bring my portfolios to middle school to show my peers. I wrote creative pieces during class or doodled in my notebooks, sometimes losing myself into the fiction I created to escape my reality.
I also had a passion for helping other people and loved to talk with the social workers + guidance counselors I met during the many school years I endured abuse and problems in my life. I felt like I could become someone like them; a teacher, a mentor, and a life float for people who were suffering.
The irony was that I was suffering at the same time, but had trouble recognizing it because of dissociation and anxiety. I was fearful of my home life and did whatever I could to survive it. On the flip side, school was my passion and favorite place to be. I connected with teachers, took classes in fashion + art + photography + journalism in order to grow and even took lunch periods with my favorite literature teacher to keep my mind afloat.
I started to think through high school and then college that bad luck just followed me everywhere. Even though I worked so hard to get away from my old life and start fresh, I continued to attract abusive people + narcissistic people + addicts and other types of mental health issues which were all triggers that hindered me from achieving my full potential. I wanted so badly to be able to help people and heal people that I would psychoanalyze anyone that connected with me and commit to people that did not earn or deserve it.
A Jaded Savior. Someone who wanted so badly to be what the broken and the ridiculed needed, while not realizing the loop I had grown so tired of and felt so beat down by was created and upheld by my own subconscious actions.
I am now 28 and a mother of 3, with an amazing spouse and little family that we build together. We are each working hard to become our best selves, achieve our goals and reach the desires we have for our family to be truly prosperous and successful. So many characteristics I developed and ingrained "truths" I had come to know about myself from the childhood I had until my late twenties all hindered me drastically from ever being able to actually "heal".
But what does "heal" even mean to any of us? I kept fearing showing up fully as a business owner, as a wife, as a mother ---> All because of this concept of "wholeness" and "healing". FULLY. PUT TOGETHER. DRESSED. NOT DEPRESSED. NOT FRAGILE.
I have been afraid in the last 4 years that I am still too broken to matter. To be happy. To fool people. To convince them I am actually OK. Everywhere I have gone, my insecurities have told me that everyone can see I am not alright. So I have just desperately wished that with enough reflection + self care and independence, I could some day climb over the wall and see what life looks like "On the other side of Trauma".
This blog is a healing tool I am using to finally look all my experiences in the metaphorical face and validate. I also decided, thanks to a Brene Brown special on Netflix, that I need to be vulnerable and show up in my life dressed as myself. I have always waited on the right time to start revealing all of my truths. That time is now.
I have made so many beautiful connections + friendships on Facebook in the past eight years thanks to the details of my life I have shared and the scars I have shown. This tribe I am building is one that encompasses pain + love + fear + courage and a sheer will to thrive not just survive.
I hope to gain many more people from this blog, who are willing to be brave with me and share their deepest experiences ---->For the purpose of WAKING UP society, shaking the standard, provoking the term "whole" and building branches of healing for those in desperate need of it.
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: email@example.com
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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