October 12th, 2019

I want to speak about what my goals and purpose are with my blog Jaded Savior since I have gained clarity and purpose recently.

I will start off by saying that I am a 28-year-old stay at home mom and my passion is writing to empower.

I am NOT a coach. I am NOT a healer. But my "inner circle" of friends since I began in May has been comprised of coaches, healers, mentors, educators, directors and writers from all walks of life ---> MOSTLY from an old path of Trauma.

I have PTSD + Depression + Anxiety and constant flashbacks/nightmares stemming from childhood abuse and trauma memories I have stuck in my brain.

I decided in May to STOP dragging around daily feeling miserable, to stop oversleeping and overeating my emotions away. I decided to STOP having ZERO boundaries with my friendships + in my marriage + with my kids and most importantly, with myself.

I realized from a twitter post that I had CPTSD + A complex PTSD that is caused by prolonged abuse, usually child abuse.

I was born into a marriage built by drugs, codependence, emotional and physical abuse / domestic violence AND mental illness. I did not know until I was in my early twenties and was already living on my own, that my parents were BOTH bipolar and self-medicating---> That my father was HOMELESS, doing heroin, and Schizophrenic. That both were delusional and completely sick people who could never have handled being a self-sufficient adult let alone a parent to me.

I was out of their lives since 16 but they were never actually present as parents. I just "lived with parents".
I was always self-sufficient but it took until getting pregnant as a teenager and having to figure my life out for A BABY that I gained some awareness. And freedom.

Now I am married to someone wonderful and have 2 more kids within this marriage. I raise all 3 from home and I write daily about my life experiences.

I have always ACTUALLY been an extrovert. A person who could walk into a room and say whatever I wanted to, who could simply sit next to someone and say "Hi, want to be my friend."

This blog I created started off as a platform to share my own stories. I wanted to write them publicly so that other people who can relate would feel validated... because empowerment is awesome.

BUT, I began writing on social media as well as my blog for Accountability. To have something of my own.
SOMETHING to LIVE for.

And while people who have no clue what depression feels like would say "but you live for your babies and your husband" I would say that going from a dysfunctional childhood to being on my own for years ----> Entering marriage and becoming a housewife FELT FUCKING SCARY. AND HARD.

Having to trust, compromise, listen to, speak to, and dwell with someone ----> Share my KIDS with someone. It was all really hard.

Realizing I married someone who is not emotional or deep in their feelings, who does not know the psychological effects of Trauma on a person or what living with someone who has PTSD is like... HOLY SHIT.

It was all hard.

But writing has been easy.

I realize all these years I lacked awareness and did not start healing because I was sick. Not healthy. I was suffering from the effects of Trauma. I did not have a rational brain. I did not have the skills to self diagnose or treat.

So I sure as shit did not trust counselors, hated the social workers I met who went by textbook procedures and would not look me in the eye, and fucking social services who treated me like I was the dirt of dirt for being young, broke and a mother.

I never wanted to get help before and this past spring, it took all of me to tell my husband of 4 years that I was miserable and deeply crippled by depression.

I could not wake up on time ever or make appointments. I was highly unorganized and frantic. I was always short of breath and literally grabbing at my chest to breathe. I had no concept of time and did not know the difference spacially between 1 hour or 6 hours. I was in my own bubble.

IT FELT HORRIBLE to have to say to someone else that I felt incapable of caring for my kids daily or being a wife.
MY PARENTS were incapable. Irresponsible. Shitty. Angry. Selfish. Sick.

This was a huge trigger for me... was I like them?

BUT, I really needed to just pick myself up and START getting my shit together.

I needed an education. To figure out with my own resources and skills, to get on a fucking computer and do a google search of "WTF is wrong with me."

That first crucial step in taking a stand, telling myself I know things are not right, and then finding out why ----> That was the catalyst for this blog.

I have always leaned on art and writing since I was a child. I wanted to draw late into the night in my bedroom while my mom and her husband fought when things got really bad. I drew and I wrote more than I did actual homework or socializing with other kids.

It saved me. But I was always triggered to art or draw when I felt stress. Another indicator I was not healthy.

The past few months I grew from writing my past to writing about my present.

As I quickly figure myself out, as I become more self-aware, my art and creativity take off like a FIRE CRACKER.

8 months ago, I wouldn't get out of bed before 10 and I locked myself in the bathroom 3 or 4 times a day to cry. 6 months ago I said FUCK THIS and began to make healthy changes day by day.

I have decided now that I want to create my blog as a RESOURCE CENTER for education, healing information, Lists of Professional holistic healers/coaches, healthy diet and lifestyle changes you can make to improve mental health issues ------> CREATIVE Ideas and inspirations to use art and writing as ways to awaken. Even heal.

So who am I? What do I do?

I am someone who has risen many times over, like a Phoenix, from SHIT to GROWTH. Who has dealt with the lemons....And I decided instead of trying to make lemonade..I want to grow a forest of lemon trees. And teach anyone who is willing to learn how to grow them to.

Self-sufficiency + education + resources + self-awareness.

I want to honor my healing journey publicly while also growing a website that is like stepping into the woods of wisdom.

For trauma VICTIMS who feel disassociated and need a SHAKE to survivors who NEED a safe place to STAND UP.
I support and hold love for all the healers and coaches I know.

I know as I teach self-sufficiency, I also break through barriers and blocks with people -----> So they can ACTUALLY FEEL READY because of their own initial efforts to BEGIN.

Getting help from a professional can either be devastating or amazing. I am excited to get into a place in my life and mindset where I can start working with healers of all kinds. And then be able to share those experiences (maybe on Youtube, who knows) to make people aware of what is OUT THERE and how it feels.

I want to be a beacon of light for people who feel lost and like their life is hopeless right now. Because that has been me many times over.

I hope those who see and follow my website, not just my Facebook posts ---> WILL LOVE and UTILIZE what is to come! This is for "us".