Laying in bed alone, crying to some sappy holiday movie and just holding myself --- as I wipe the tears streaming down my cheeks into my ears.
I'm in a state of ugly cry.
And it is not gentle little rain drops on a beautiful cheek like in the movies.
My mascara is burning my eyes and I'm blinding myself but using my sleeve to wipe them because I don't want to have to get out of this bed.
That kind of cry.
But I realize that this is not something to be ashamed of or feel weird about.
In fact, maybe many of you feel the deepest release when you just pour out your emotions through a deep strong cry.
I also realize many of you may be experiencing the same struggles, insecurities or doubts.
So as I lay here, I share them with you openly in hope that I will make you not feel so alone or lost.
At the very least, seen.
I have been feeling really insecure.
I want to be successful with my writing but I am afraid it is not good enough.
I want to be a disciplined and organized person who can meet all her deadlines, but my PTSD and Anxiety cause me to feel SPLIT in two. The broken pieces won't allow me to be productive.
Or worse, in my high moods I think I accomplish so much but then low me comes swinging low blows and reminds me that:
¤ I'm days late on an assignment
¤ I'm weeks late on some updates
¤ I have trouble remembering everything
¤ I have trouble getting up early or falling asleep at a good hour
¤ I am struggling with bad habits and unhealthy foods that cause health problems
I am also so so tired of the struggle. Of not having enough of things. Or money. Or time.
I am tired of being poor. Of being sick. Of being odd.
Low me likes to remind me that I SUCK.
According to her, I like REALLY DO.
But then I remember, I am HUMAN.
And it is ok.
I remember that things CAN get better.
And they will.
I also cry because I'm afraid of success. Afraid to want something so badly and then be disappointed.
I am afraid I will put myself out there and get burned.
The truth is that blogging + designing light a fire in my soul -----> so I should not fear the flames.
I remember that I f*cking love what I do.
And I never loved any outlet like i love this.
I get to show up every day and find invisible people by making my emotions visible.
On my worst days, I get to show up and share it with you to teach you that progress is progress.
That just trying is growth enough.
That YOU and your dreams are enough.
I get to write about the ugly, bad, scary, brutal truths about the world.
And those truths liberate people. Inspire them to grow.
I remember that empowerment is like the SUN, and letting out a good strong cry is like giving
To remember its roots.
It is healthy to cry.
In fact, when I tell you about my depression and my feelings of unworthiness, it is me expanding through a HUGE trigger most people with trauma have.
That SHAME and DISASSOCIATION that normally SHUTS OFF our emotions during stress.
So you see, when you feel SHOT or LOW, crying and releasing is one of the healthiest things you can do!
This year has been life changing for my mind.
I want the New Year to bring opportunities of elevation and transcendence.
So I gotta feel to heal, and share that ish when I do.
If you are holding yourself through HARD AF times, know that there is such power in feeling.
Now you know your truths.
Make something with them.
Make them known.
Make them change lives.
Make them mark growth.
Release your fears through the channels, while thinking forward in your goals.
Because releasing makes room for the things that replace our sorrows with joy.
And I cannot wait for the day when I will cry because I am just so happy and grateful for the shifts soon to take place.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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