How many of you have felt triggered and don't take selfies, show your talents or sell what you are good at ----> because trauma taught you to not SHOW UP or be conceited?
So when you see these ladies with photography defaults and professional cover photos, posting about authenticity and personal growth -----> you think "oh god that is so FAKE."
Or maybe you just feel it is ok for them, but that you will never be them.
It is NOT YOU to put on lashes and lipstick, to send voice memos.... to do a live video. Because wtf would you do and who even wants to know about it?Because you are a different level or maybe you believe a lower station.
You cannot imagine posting images of yourself because you feel awkward AF.
In fact the shower curtain behind you or the mess in your living room would be a HORRIBLE setting for you to be SEEN IN. Your own space is not worthy of showing up.
And neither is your hair or face, you think to yourself.
So you hide and you make very little movement or traction in your life.
You do not get too outspoken or share feelings.
You apologize often. And you ask others if it is ok for you to ask a question. You want to know If it would be weird for you to share your opinion. And you sure as hell make sure you hold the camera for every function, so that you will not be in any photos.
Whatever shame keeps you from showing up ---> your body, your smile, your hair, your height, your imperfections, your voice, your eye contact....and many more reasons you tell yourself that no one wants to to know you. It happened somewhere in your past, when you were told "not to color your hair", "not to speak at the table", "not to dress alluring or noticeably". It happened when an ex said you wanted to just BEG for attention at work or when you go out by showing cleavage or your shoulders.
It happened when your mom said only bad girls want attention. Only conceited people want to be noticed.
I felt this way. Well...my whole life.
And I was unaware how deeply it ran until I started thinking my kids should not want attention. That leggings might be bad for my daughter. [I did not go thru with any of the bad thoughts though].
It happened when I became a business owner with my husband and went to networking events. I thrive being amongst people. I have a deep desire to command the room. I want to give chills and change lives by stating facts and truths...not my own proclamations.
But even in that dream...I have conditions. It cannot be only my own words. Then I am a know it all. And what certifications do I have in order to have any fucking opinions?
I cannot be a leader if I am not thin, sensual, and beautiful. I cannot bare it if people see my bad skin or birth markes or FAT. That 'I just had a baby' thing won't work.
I can not hop on a live or prerecord because I have trouble breathing. Making eye contact. I have trouble passing as normal. Now in person, with my husband and kids, I do not shut up. I can talk and laugh and BE ME....mostly.
But that voice tells me to sit the fuck down at events.
That voice told me for a long time not to show up on the internet.
Who the f am I to take selfies?
To arrogantly quote myself in images....
To write books and deep posts.....
Like my words matter?!
Like I am "somebody".
Let me tell you something right now that i realized one day.
----Everyone is no one. And everyone is someone. You decide. ----- People.
You decide it If you want to be seen and heard. All the people of the word who have made true change were "no one and someone". They just showed up. That is the difference between THEM. AND YOU.
So, I am now showing up. I quote myself. I take fucking selfies even though I feel stupid as hell. I am learning to push through my own stupid ass barriers.
What I write does matter. I have been through shit that MANY OF YOU HAVE NOT.
But that is not why i write.
I write because i have been through shit MANY OF YOU ALSO HAVE BEEN THROUGH. And right now, you feel SO ALONE in your shit. You feel horrible. Low. Unworthy. Scared.
I'm not here to tell you who to be.
But fuck right, I have now decided to take on the obligation of my awareness and tell you HOW TO BE.
Be alive. Stop living on pause. Stuck. Sad. Alone.
You know why we see either super fancy Facebook pages with bomb marketing----> OR someone with a pic from 2005 as their default and a cat on their cover photo?
Because that is the difference between hiding and showing up.
I SEE YOU NOW.
I see you and I have nothing to sell you.
You have to sell yourself now on the idea that living means showing up and not feeling ashamed about it.
Go start shining. And update that damn photo.
I want to see diversity.
I want to see all sorts of people and fashions, skin tones and hair types. I want to see houses that range from PINTEREST to WRECKED.
And stop apologizing for hiding.
Just arrive already.
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: email@example.com
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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