This week has been all about challenging the concept of FLOW.
Whether it was the block in my cash flow or the insistent run and flow of my tears.
I cried all week from frustration, raw realizations and a very painful stage of growing that I am working my way through.
Moving forward in our lives is HARD.
Whether we are moving forward from a past career, home, friendships, relationships, or idea we held onto for way too long...
Or we are moving spiritually into a deeper place that feels REALLY lonely.
Moving feels a whole lot like being sucked into great, white rapids with no recollection of how to swim or close our mouths.
Tonight I sit in the flow of my tears because my body is SWIRLING with trauma and sadness, fears and resentments.
I realize I have things locked up inside of me that need to be CUT LOOSE.
I need to GROW with a FLOW that is aligned with my passions.
But this takes effort and deep digging into the core of my emotional issues.
In order to remember how to swim ----> I have to revisit memories of all the times I SURVIVED by pushing out the bad from my life.
I have to remember TRAUMA and look it in the face.
I came to the conclusion today that I am afraid to get on video because I will have to look trauma right in the eyes and I am afraid to.
There is a broken girl staring back at me in the camera.
With wet eyes, dull skin, and a head that hangs in defeat.
And she knows it....
She holds tight onto the weights of pain left from her mother and father abandoning her after years of abuse.
She holds tight onto the rejection from her exs who used gas lighting, manipulation, and having affairs as a way to denounce her worth on a regular basis. And ghosted her to keep her in her place until they finally discarded her.
She is ashamed. Hunched over. Washed out. And she feels like she is stuck.
I did not want to see her because I feel bad for her. But at the same time, resentful.
I want to thrive and in my head all these dreams blossom daily. I picture big things and beautiful achievements.
But this depressed, heavy, sad girl just lingers around and keeps my growth on pause.
I want to scream at her.. In fact, most of today I did.
Until I saw her eyes looking at me and realized that is all she expects of me. She perpetuates her worst nightmares and i react to them accordingly.
Judgement. Anger. Screaming. Taunting.
I am my own worst enemy.
So tonight, while catching tears and fears, I have chosen to stare at myself. To take a really hard look.
And in the silence of our eyes locking, I say "it's ok."
And I release it all. The flow of tears and aching that has longed to come out.
I did not REALLY comprehend what it meant to have an alcoholic mother.
I did not SEE that my ex who I got pregnant with in high school chose to break me on purpose. That he was also very sick and had addictions that mirrored my parents' problems.
I did not HAVE the awareness of all the choices I made that kept me close to abuse and trauma...that I had trained myself to LOVE the abuse.
I have been angry with her because I felt younger me SHOULD HAVE known.
But when you grow up with no one loving you in a healthy way, you crave any touch or attention just to get a small crumb of what love could feel like.
"It's ok" if the roller coaster affection and rejection seemed a whole lot like being chosen and special.
Because now I know better.
Now, at almost 29, i see it all.
And I see that part of me who is so scared to shine because she does not believe in herself at all.
I have to be the light, I decide.
The one who loves her.
The one who loves me now.
Even if I have broken pieces inside of myself.
I want people to see it all.
I want to be brave.
I want to challenge the concept of "whole" ----> to sit with all of you who are broken and tell you ...
We can show up in pieces.
We can shine even if we flicker.
I am going to start doing videos. Taking pictures. Staring more at mirrors and doing self care rituals to show my broken shadow that I love her.
And that we will get through this.
I will show up now even if my only audience watching is that young, broken girl.
I hope I make her proud.
- J.S. Jaded Savior
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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