If you are a trauma survivor and have symptoms of PTSD, it is likely that you are currently hiding from your own potential.
This fact right here goes out to all of YOU right now who are holding back from your dream because you feel you are not yet READY.
The truth is, you are.
And life is waiting around for you to become perfect so you can start living.
You are the one who is STUCK ON PAUSE.
While it is just human to want to strive for perfection, someone with anxiety and depression will obsess over what perfect looks like and constantly stagger below what they even consider mediocre.
It is really hard to believe in yourself and even on a subconscious level behave with confidence and self love after experiencing prolonged trauma.
One of the hardest realizations I ever had, at 27 years old, was that I was completely in charge of my own success or failure.
And I only learned it from hard experiences, even after hearing it throughout my life.
The fact is, I am not perfect.
But it is not because my mother told me so.
Even though I was abused and tormented through childhood, I fought hard to have the autonomy I have now.
To be independent and away from my abusers. And to live my own life.
Which means the people who hurt me no longer have a hold over me.
And I am just hindering myself when I let triggers break me down.
I am NOT SAYING that I can magically overcome trauma and PTSD by just wanting to.
What I am saying is I have a choice over if I am willing to let my symptoms have power over me or not.
I may live with life long consequences of abuse, but can still be as successful as I push myself to be.
So how on earth does a person with PTSD become aware of themselves, their setbacks, and what obstacles need to be overcome in order to achieve their dreams?
Good fucking question.
I am in the process of answering it all for myself.
AWARENESS is when you can take a step outside of yourself and gain clarity on who you are in a multidimensional way.
Once you see your flaws, you can learn how to fix them. Once you fix them, you can become successful, right?
What about when your violet lenses portray your anxiety and depression through a plague of imperfections throughout your self image, both exterior and interior view?
How can you decide what is a rational flaw from what is actually a flaw?
And what the hell even is a flaw?
Up until this year, I spent so many years telling myself I was not ready to succeed yet.
Not until I:
■ Got smarter
■ Became stronger
■ Was prettier
■ Had a better voice
■ Had boatloads of confidence
■ Had straight teeth
■ Had fancy equipment
■ Had a degree or certificate
■ Had enough money
■ Did not have depression
■ No longer had anxiety
And all of this was complete bullshit.
While I think it is important we love ourselves and build up self confidence, I know it is unhealthy to fixate on the things we "think" are not good enough about ourselves.
I also learned something super valuable, that now I cannot go back on.
People like people who SHOW UP.
Who are honest, dedicated, passionate, and persistent in their cause.
And in no nook or cranny of that statement is there a requirement to be perfect.
Just to be real.
My heart has always been that of a Jaded Savior.
Someone who wants so deeply and passionately to lead others and help those who are struggling.
Also, someone who has time and time again grown tired of the systems in place [in society] that enable people to struggle and fail.
Someone tired of all the pain and trauma. A woman who wants to show others how to rise up again and again, having resilience within this tough world.
I want to become a great public speaker, published author, social worker and public influencer.
But not so I can claim some fame or celebrity status.
Not so I can swim in cash.
I want a passionate, life long commitment to pursuing freedom and safety for people.
I want to pursue truth. And then translate it into an intimate language that someone who has suffered in the ways I have can understand with their whole being, and then transcend their shit situation because of that empowerment.
I kept putting this dream off, so I could do whatever I could to pay bills and survive.
I kept putting this dream off to first become grounded with who I am, be satisfied with what I look like, and feel sure that others will accept me.
I wanted to look the part and sound the part before jumping into my dream.
Out of fear of failure. Or rejection.
So I held back.
Many nights I have written poems or stories in my head. I have thought up concepts and plans, business structures, and revitalizations of social programs to improve the effectiveness and success for recipients.
I have rethought the CPS and family court system.
I have rethought and reframed the way we view, diagnose and treat mental illness in this country.
Heck. In this world.
As the only child of two drug addicts with bipolar, schizophrenia, mania and depression, I had these thoughts.
As a troubled teenager with depression and anxiety, cptsd, and then teen pregnancy, I lived through the public systems and was failed often by them.
As a young adult, away from my abusers but making many poor decisions, I struggled with my identity and who I wanted to be in the world.
Though I always tried hard to achieve goals like applying for degrees and going through Community college and a University to do so, I was held back by fears as well as real symptoms [because of trauma] I lacked complete awareness of having.
I am damn proud of the ways I always leaped at opportunities. From interning, to writing for school papers, to in my own time writing and creating.
This passion to write and make art has oozed out of me since childhood.
But when it came to showing to publicly, when it came to getting credit for my hard work or pushing myself to actually achieve status, I just stayed stuck on pause.
I am now pushing myself to hit play already.
To write these books AND release them to the public.
To record a podcast, to spread my voice and my ideas.
To take videos, in the now and regardless of how I look, so I can SHOW UP as myself.
Without worries about who will like me.
Without concerns about my body or weight.
Without the self hate or insecurities, criticism or doubts.
Whether I am all dolled up or chilling with no makeup on in pjs, if I got something good to say ----> I am going to SPEAK UP.
Whether I am famous or no one knows who the fuck I am ------> I am going to STEP OUT of my comfort zone and make myself known.
I decided for myself, that in spite of my flaws and my trauma, I am ready in the moment to be great.
I am not going to get in my own way ever again. ♡
I am not going to idealize perfection and resist my own greatness.
The greatest potential you have is just one moment away.
And that moment is NOW.
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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