I am honestly having a really hard time this week. Between getting sick and having major anxiety / anger, I now feel completely overwhelmed and fragile.
On amazing days I love to show up and write about it.
On "tougher days" I drag myself around in pajamas and don't want to eat or talk to anyone.
Today feels like an extremely hard day.
Like nothing I do is worth anything.
Like I will never get out of the ruts I am in.
Like I am not meant for more.
I know it is anxiety talking.
I know my blog work and trauma discussing push me hard into the memories of abuse and painful experiences I have had. That I ask for this deep plunge into the darkness so I can heal.
Healing is ugly, painful, crazy, erratic, unorganized, unplanned.
Healing is a lot like "I can't do this" every step of the way forward.
But moving is growth.
It still counts.
Every single foot step forward, whether in large or small strides, takes me further away from my past and towards a healthy future.
So I honor it. The anger. The sadness. The frustration.
It has hard for me to keep track of anything, control my anger or tears in the past few days. I have had trouble knowing what day of the week it is or how many hours are passing by. I have felt extremely tired and like I can barely focus. Have had dizzy spells and wanted to just lay down.
This is what PTSD feels like for me.
And possibly for you.
So as 2020 comes and I begin some major work [new projects], my main priority on social media is to show up as much as I can -----> with both awareness and solutions to the problems.
To not hide when i feel this way.
To not use the bathroom as a retreat from life.
I have realized that this year I was given an amazing tool.
The ability to not be alone.
Social media has given me a platform for connection while I am in these states of depression, anxiety and hopelessness.
So many of you do not show up in your business, in your family, or even outside of your own front door because you struggle with feelings of hopelessness, worthlessness, anxiety and ocd, low self esteem, and fears because of your experiences with abusive people and toxic situations.
And you think it is all your fault.
All your burden to carry.
I invite people to show up in my inbox or on my posts, in my group JADED SAVIOR: Speak your truths or on my blog to share their truths.
But many of you are scared to share.
You feel like your problems are so bad that it is embarrassing and shameful. You think you will burden someone else if you ask for help or you lean on them.
I need someone to lean on.
Quite honestly, I need a village.
I need help, I need to rationalize my fears daily, and I need to make big changes all across the board.
In my health. In my diet. In my routines.
In my relationships.
In my loneliness <------ that tendency I have to push away when I need others most.
I admit it now.
I surrender because I cannot take it anymore.
For some of you, this realization has not come yet. You still think you can or have to be alone in it.
What I wish for all of us in the next 13 months is awareness, truth, and connection.
The ability to surface when we are in trouble and the trust in others to come together and step into solutions.
To heal as a collective.
And to change the way we have viewed social media.
From a marketing and venting platform to a virtual retreat for rehabilitation and alignment.
A place where we can have all the answers and all the village we want.
And no more reasons to hide or sit with ourselves in the bathroom, garage, bed, or car.
We now have access to the people + solutions that will change our lives and allow us to become healthy.
So what is different today from any other day I have been sinking in deep depression?
Today is the first day of many of us on a healing journey as a collective, rather than trying to take a hack at it alone.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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