#trauma #reflection #selfesteem #jealousy

Jealousy is a weird concept, am I right?

Jealousy comes from an entirely internal source and it is a completely irrational thought process.
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The idea that you are insignificant, due to the existence of someone or something else in your path.... it can be paralyzing.

In the trauma realm, jealousy is habitual.

Both trauma survivors and healers experience this emotion equally, as we are all human and this is a human emotional process we get throughout our whole lives.

Jealousy, as a feeling, has many layers.

Jealousy, when put into action, can set fires to our own personal progress as well as someone else's simultaneously.

Those of you that have experienced abusive relationships, toxic family members and abusive behaviors in your life like deceit, cheating, manipulation, gas lighting etc. You may have seen jealousy used in combination with these techniques abusers have in their tool belt of ways to hurt someone else and have power over them.

Jealousy, after all, gives someone the delusion that they are under attack. Instead of fight or flight mode, jealousy triggers a person to just attack purely out of their own narrative.

I see healers and coaches act based on jealousy too. This is human, but often indicates there is still room for them to self reflect and grow.

Our deepest insecurities and fears surface when we show up most. This is due to contrasting ideologies and approaches floating all around the internet. And although it is not the only option we have, some people choose to start comparing themselves to their peers to evaluate their own path.

As healers and coaches, you all KNOW there will be a million variations of work and courses, books and materials.

No one is original, but that does not take away from the gift of a personal approach.

Again, as humans, we all learn and gather resources. Our natural instincts tell us to question everything, to sniff for errors, and to work on overdrive to find solutions.

So when we see someone has come up with a solution we may have also landed on, we feel frustrated and impulsive. We feel violated and like someone has robbed us.

But knowledge is both free and everywhere, like oxygen.

And every new sculpture of truth gets derived from an original source, to help each generation grow and prosper.

When you feel like your own personal work is under attack, but there is no actual evidence or rational truth, you need to take a step out of the ring and evaluate your mindset.

When you feel like someone else is stomping on you or bullying you, bull dozing you, or showing aggression towards your work ----> know it is the same exact thing happening.

It is a form of jealousy, but it stems from inner frustration OR a lack of knowledge. That knowledge might be resources or it may be an internal, soul knowledge that allows a person to mature.

Maybe, they are simply not there yet and do not understand themselves well enough to see what their insecurity is. But it is their job to figure it out. As it is yours for yourself.

When I feel a rush of jealousy or opposition towards someone or their work, the first thing I do is take a step out of the ring and try to understand myself.

I want to do that inner work to see what pieces of me feel attacked, lacking or depleted. I try to figure out what it is they "have" or "present" that threatens me.

How can I do the work to fulfill my own desires.

How can I better myself to provide what I feel I am missing or having trouble with.

As I get older and wiser, I humbly know that the grass is never greener.

As I step into my flaws, like an animal hide, I embrace the warmth and rawness of an imperfect being.

And I allow myself to accept that there are rationally no features, concepts, or feelings about me that are original.

More that I am a concoction of my favorite things, that I am a generational recipe that will be tweaked and change measurements, flavors, consistency over the years.

I accept that I am malleable, that I have much to learn still, and that most of my learning will come from the things my intuition naturally opposes me to draw close to.

Because rough edges need to be polished.

And if I am too busy clinking together rough edges, I am more likely to get scratched instead of buffed into my own version of perfection.
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