WEEK 3: CONTROL
I have had weird Facebook issues all week and pushed aside my plan to write each week with a key word.
Week 1 was Self Identity.
Week 2 was Awareness.
I like to have CONTROL over everything I do and micromanage or micro organize because chaos makes me uneasy. I think of elaborate, detailed plans and need them to get out of my head with clarity or else I am frozen from moving forward.
I like to have CONTROL when I have a conversation so when you say how are you, I explain how I am in multiple ways as to make sure you receive what I intend. So i am transparent. So there are no surprises.
Because I hate surprises.
I hate being surprised because in my life, and since childhood, the surprise has always been trauma.
SURPRISE, I have shit in my back pocket and it has your name on it.
SURPRISE, I am not who you thought I was.
SURPRISE, I made this epic decision for my own life and did not clue you in because "it's just me to think in the moment" [which really just means I didnt consider YOU].
I need CONTROL.
Control of emotions and decisions.
Because so many decisions were ROBBED from me since I was a KID. A BABY.
I did not give consent to be born into a loveless marriage between two mentally ill people who were never taught how to be parents or adults.
I did not give consent to be emotionally, physically, mentally, abused or used.
I did not give consent to be cheated on, manipulated, two timed, or duped.
I never relinquished my right to be loved or treated well by those close to me.
At least, before I had awareness of what is healthy or unhealthy.
When I was unaware, I was also unequipped.
And it was the responsibility of the people who did wrong things to me to KNOW It was wrong.
To make the informed and healthy decisions.
But they didn't.
And when unhealthy decisions are made, no one wins.
Everyone is damaged and it has a rippling affect.
I need control as a twenty something year old because I had none as a youth. And that loss was so profound my subconscious movements and emotions are hardwired now to protect myself.
I desire control on a conscious level too.
Ain't nobody going to have the right to hurt me ever again.
I am learning my boundaries because I am doing the hard work now of examining how i tick. And what made me who i am.
Once I figure out the formula for me, it becomes clear what i am not ok with.
And i feel angry, with growing awareness, that i cannot go back to pinpoint the moments where control was taken from me.
I feel resentment towards the people who took control and consent from me.
And the worst part is I did not see them as bad people initially. I don't even know if they saw themselves as bad.
So many people behaive recklessly and spin out of control in trauma loops, without a clue of their unhealthy actions or what it does to everything encountered.
So how can I forgive myself or them, when the situation may have been out of everyones' control?
How do I NOW consciously rationalize demonizing a person who abused me when they could have acted out of their own trauma and baggage?
It takes a whole lot of releasing of control to come to these conclusions.
For me to be able to take steps back and see that my mother and father both experienced childhood trauma that no one EVER validated.
That no one had their consent either.
That they "did the best with what they had".
I always cringed at that statement.
It is supposed to elevate you when you conclude that someone did the best they could.
"She was a drug addict. She did the best she could."
REALLY COURTNEY!!!??? [inside joke]
Really? She popped some pills and she did some coke because that was the best she could be doing for herself and her family? COCAINE, COURTNEY???!!!
But what I realize now is this. My parent was incapable. She did not do the best. She was incapable of even trying. And she was not alone in making herself incapable. It took a village to make her fucked up.
I decided to unpack my mothers trauma.
I decided in order for me to gain control of my emotions and thought process, I have to do what cannot be done for me by them.
I have to observe, take note, examine, and pull apart her trauma.
I have to examine everyone who has hurt me and what the scenario was.
I have to REMEMBER what happened to me. And not focus on my pain, but theres.
Imagine having to picture the pain of your rapist? Of your abusive father? Of your cheating wife or husband?
And while my personhood now tells me that is ok and everyone has their own opinion or choice in how they think -----> I also have to rationalize that being able to see the FULL picture is the way to grow and heal.
I have to control myself from thinking irrationally or purely out of my own emotions.
I have to look at the world, at how people are, and how trauma gets not only caused but perpetuated.
And this is all on the path to enlightenment.
It is not a theory.
In theory, you can live out all your days just controlling everything as much as your energy allows.
You can hyper actively examine all your actions, your interactions, and your boundaries.
You can control bad events not happening by avoiding people or situations mostly or all together.
You can type up 6 pages of background and bullet points to hand to someone so they catch up quickly. So you can better control how someone else sizes you up. And so you can try and have control over their diagnosis/ conclusions.
But that is not a healthy way to live.
That is not even living.
It is surviving.
I am not a psychologist, a social worker, or a doctor.
I cannot prescribe you meds or judge your self medicating ways.
I cannot tell you what labels you fit or how long you have had textbook typical problems.
I can only tell you my process and my methods of unpacking my SHIT.
I can tell you what your parents never taught you, what your partner doesnt know how to do, and what you have not yet done.
I can tell you that HEALING is a journey.
One that is OUT OF YOUR CONTROL.
You cannot ------> I REPEAT ----> YOU CANNOT CONTROL YOUR HEALING JOURNEY.
You cannot predict the emotions, the memories, the symptoms, the side effects or the effectiveness of whatever treatments you try.
None of it is controllable.
Instead, you have to start from scratch. Declare the moment.
Say "this is the moment I am going to start healing."
And when you get to this point, you have to leave all your SHIT at the door.
Your defensive behaviors.
Your defense mechanisms.
Your substance abuses.
Your lock on the door, the one you have kept shut since the trauma started.
You gotta drop all that shit, including the key, like you are being checked at the fucking airport.
And then you have to release control.
Consent to the journey.
This week has tested my sense of control.
I am frustrated because I dont really have any. Not in my family or my marriage. Not as a parent. Not as a woman or individual.
I want to have control but I have been on autopilot for so long that I have "yes" and dragged myself into a comma.
I'm ready to wake up now.
And not survive but live.
I don't need control to live.
I need depth, clarity, awareness, compassion, growth, observation, acceptance, forgiveness.
That is my toolbelt for life.
What will build a healthy home.
A healthy future.
And now is my time to do that work. ♡
When will it be yours?
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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