WEEK 6: TRANSCEND
This week has been all about overcoming fears, pushing through my traumas and unpacking the deep insecurities I have had about becoming successful and an "adult".
I have had to be gentle and loving with myself as I release my emotions and figure out who I am now on the verge of turning 29 [November 5th].
I have always been in absolute love with my ability to burn up and then rise again, like the Phoenix. I hated the name Jean, really until early college when I saw XMEN and learned about Jean Gray.
I had this thought revisit me last night when watching the newest XMEN movie, with Sophie Turner playing a young Jean Gray that is SEVERELY impacted by TRAUMA.
The confusion in her identity, self worth, where she fits in the world and what it means to hold extreme power all resonate with me deeply.
Because trauma and PTSD have made me feel abnormal my whole life. I was raised into abuse and only knew toxic situations until now.
And all this time I have felt severely inadequate without even realizing it.
I have focused on helping others, connecting with people, and making many moves to survive on my own.
Meeting a partner and falling in love at 25 was a huge challenge after spending all my dating years with abusive partners. And being abandoned at 16 by both parents while I was pregnant with my h.s. monstrocity of a relationship was the worst. I felt broken for so long.
And this man suddenly came into my life wanting to be a family and make a family.
So we did.
We got married and welcomed two babies in the last 5 years.
And though the stereotype goes, finding a man should have been the solution to all my single mom problems----> IT VERY MUCH FUCKING WAS NOT.
Coparenting is hard.
Releasing control, trust, and security after being alone for 25 years meant being with someone and allowing them into my space felt PHENOMENALLY WORSE than just being single.
I felt in the last few years like I still stayed on autopilot.
I traded busy college life and trying to overachieve as a single mom to being a busy mom of 3 with a husband, AND an instant business owner since I married an Entrepreneur.
I was completely out of my element and had no idea how to handle all of it.
Worst part was I still had not STOPPED and stood still to awaken to the trauma and pent up pain I had.
It was not until this year, in May [the anniversary month of leaving my abusive parents] , that I had a complete BREAK DOWN in front of my husband and let him have it all.
I had to trust myself and trust him enough to lean in and release.
It was a catapult for me into realness and being AWAKE for the first time in my life.
Having to unpack because the bags were dragging me down and I was stuck on pause for far too long.
So I began my work. Doing it how I knew best.
I began to write and process. Analyze my experiences. Seek retribution and when possible, closure.
I started to intentionally look for my sorest spots and heal my wounds.
Now that I committed for over 4 months, I cannot believe I did not do this sooner.
And not in a get down on myself kind of way.
It is more like finding the perfect fit, the most amazing lifestyle I could lead, and wondering how I never found it sooner.
I am far too analytical and curious to settle with simple answers.
I do not think it was only divine timing or my cries out into the universe that brought me such joy now.
I think I could have done "this" sooner.
This unpacking and facing of my fears.
The Phoenix rises over and over.
In nature with its character, a Phoenix cyclically regenerates or is otherwise born again.
In fact, in ancient Greece and Rome, the Phoenix was associated with Phoenicia, a civilization famous for its production of purple dye from conch shells.
I have always loved the color purple, only, and found strength in it. Now it is the color scheme for my blog and projects, because as it turns out Purple also represents Anxiety. That is because lavender and amethyst are both holistic remedies for Anxiety.
Every "silly" little detail, when strung together is like a fine pearl necklace. All is arranged perfectly and in line, like it was MEANT to be that way.
And this is a power, this stringing of details and analyzing of human experiences.
Our experiences, both good and bad, string together and take shape in who we are.
When you identify with the Phoenix, it is an even more POWERFUL and strong trait.
The ability to RESHAPE what we THINK we knew.
Burning is a process that actually cleanses and causes renewal when it happens in nature [unassisted by humans].
And it was discovered that every 5 to 25 years, an ecosystem would cause a natural fire to take place and replenish the environment. A healing process that brought more growth and prosperity after.
The trauma I endured, every 4 years turning into some other challenging situation, were my natural burning and cleansing periods.
I was able to weather them and in return grow stronger into the next phase of my life.
As I embark on 29 years of age, I leave behind 4 years with my husband as an entrepreneur and new mom again.
I enter a new phase now, becoming the woman I want to be and the role model I want to be for my little family.
I am feeling a lifting of the fog as I face my trauma and challenge myself past my own limitations.
It feels liberating, as I wield my pain into power.
As I finally embrace who I am and what I am yet to be.
And I reshape the past things I once attached to my character into new strengths.
I once was afraid to be heard, now I make sure I am heard daily.
I once was afraid to be found, now I make myself seen wherever I am in my day to day ---> both online and in person.
I now realize the strength I have in knowing what it is like to be broken and reborn.
I remember the day I learned the word "vicariously" and I loved how it rolled off the tongue.
That was in 9th grade with my favorite teacher.
I lived for many years living through books, healthy friends' lives and the stories I attached myself to.
But I never lived for me.
"Transcend" was the word and the change I was looking for.
A way to take what I am, who I am, and what I have been through into my OWN hands----> to mold myself into what I ACTUALLY envision.
Though everyone takes their own approach and should honor their own visions, this is what feels right for me.
I now see that I am not a PRODUCT of my past.
And it is not DANGEROUS to look at my own stories or show them to others.
It is a gift. ♡
Here's to the renewal period and blossoming where I land.
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: email@example.com
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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