15 years ago I was attacked by my own mother, while she was in a drunken rage and unaware of her actions. She chased me around with a knife and I put my dresser infront of my door to sleep that night, which I did very little of even though I had 9th grade exams the next day.
14 years ago, my birth father stopped his visitation with me because he was jealous I had a boyfriend [my first serious one] and didnt "love him the same" anymore. I had no idea he was back using heroine and pills.
13 years ago I got pressured by all the closest people in my life to abort my first pregnancy, to fit their agenda and "worries about my future".
12 years ago I got kicked out of my home for being pregnant, my mother and her husband changing the locks right after and taking all my childhood/belongings with them. I had no identity, no records, no parental signatures or verification to get myself into school or any legal aid. I was pregnant at the time and also kicked out of my high school as well as dumped by my ex and his whole family, as he was "given a choice to not be a parent".
11 years ago I brought all 3 legal guardians to court for abuse, abandonment, and tax fraud for continuing to claim care for me after kicking me out. I lost my case for abuse, having NO CREDIBLE EVIDENCE like "pictures of bruises or witnesses to the neglect". They denied all substance abuses and domestic violence reports I submitted. BUT I was granted legal emancipation as a 17 year old and did not have to ever see them again.
10 years ago I was in community college as a Liberal arts student with an infant in a stroller, walking through campus and being ridiculed by peers. "Who's the dad", "SHE has a baby?!", "SLUT". Then I joined student government because of my first friend suggesting it. And it changed my life. I got the taste for leadership, personal development and advocacy. I took a Women's Studies class to fill in a gap in my schedule and AGAIN had a life changing experience. That became my major for the next 4 years after as well as my life long passion for advocacy and social connections for change.
8 years ago I thought I was thriving. I was in a University studying a major I fckng loved, in college organizations and a part of the college newspaper. I was living in my own apartment that I afforded myself because of my campus job, which I also loved. I met amazing friends. I was dating someone finally. And all felt "stable" in my life. Until my h.s. ex reached out and then WRECKED his opportunity to get to know his kid. My parents reached out and each WRECKED my mental state and self esteem. My family became more distant with me and then my boyfriend started getting weird. Detached. Scared. So he decided to plan a finding himself trip that did not really consider or include me. I stayed supportive not knowing what else to do. And that was a mistake.
6 years ago, said boyfriend took his dumb trip, came right back and still didn't know himself. Tried to propose as a consolation prize, then had a mental break down about life. So we broke up. And I for the first time I was a single independent woman with my shit taken care of. So I cut my hair, pierced my nose, let loose and started to PARTY. Have FUN. Do a little soul search myself. Soon after I took him back. We dragged thru the mud 5 more months til he confessed he was having an affair and left me. At the same time my parents were each having organ problems and brain deterioration. Each reached out again and I hit my own rock bottom mentally. Feeling alone, like my world was crashing and I had nothing good in store for me. I told myself in anger that my life was only meant to be dysfunctional and fucked up.
5 years ago I was in my senior year of college, about to graduate when I lost all final financial abilities to pay my tuition off for the semester. No more loans. No scholarships to qualify. So I started a GoFundMe. And in 3 weeks I raised $7000 by sharing my stories about overcoming obstacles, being a single teen mom in college and working my butt off. I paid my semester off but couldn't pay the summer + last amount needed so I finished up the semester and moved away. I had met someone wonderful and began a relationship with him. He was my person, a great match and someone ready to commit. We got pregnant 3 months in. Right before graduation. Right before I was to decide what comes next for funding and college. So I turned down my Masters Degree acceptance for lack of funds and i moved. Once again pregnant and leaving everything I knew AGAIN behind.
4 years ago I welcomed a baby boy, after a natural water labor + natural birth. My baby girl acting as a doula and my boyfriend there by my side. He proposed the next morning, several hours after I gave birth. I wokeup to a diamond on my finger right before going to the bathroom for the first time post delivery [fun times, now that's a push present] . My life was changed again forever. He had a business of his own and wanted me to be his partner. In work, parenthood, and life. I had left behind years of college, friendships, and personal growth to now grow a family. And for once, no dysfunction occured. No worries. Just love.
3 years ago we became pregnant with baby #2. One we both wished and planned for, our wishes answered the first month we tried. We announced at Thanksgiving how thankful we were for our family, our business, and our baby becoming a big brother. Everyone cried. It was the first announcement in my life that included happy tears and no judgement from anywhere. That year we LOVED our business, our life, and our growing blessings.
2 years ago everything crumbled. With 2 little kids, a preteen, and a super full time career ---> our marriage, parentlife and persona identities all felt the toll of never having a break or any joy in our days. All we did was work and fight. Fight to survive. Fight over emotional needs not met. Fight over our future. And again everything felt shaky. But we decided to hang in there and just keep working HARD. Hard work pays off, right?
1 year ago my husband grabbed me in his arms and said "sit, we need to talk". And my head spun as I heard him tell me we needed to LEAVE everything again. Leave the job. Leave the location. Possibly leave home. He had big debts, big stress, and personal health issues. He had watched me put my ALL into things that failed me. From business ideas to projects that fell apart, I was miserable. But I just kept pushing thru the anger and sadness. I kept saying "I hate everything". DAILY. OUT LOUD. So we stopped everything. And we went back to the house to regroup. We decided to try working from home. To give ourselves a break. And we never went back.
9 months ago I was a stay at home mom, with my only focus daily to be my kids and house chores. It was the most calm, simple way I ever lived. No dysfunction. No harm. No worries. And yet, I was in a deep depression. I cried daily. I hid in the bathroom as often as I could. I hated myself. I hated living. I felt lethargic, angry, tired, worthless, and completely burnt out.
The quiet brought on bad flashbacks and feelings, as well as old nightmares about my parents.
And then, my mom reached out. Right before mothers day and right around the time her own mom was dying in hospice. At first, she was kind and calm in her messages. She asked how I was. Told me she was happy I was ok. [She is mentally ill and an alcoholic] She told me she was planning on getting her own place after her divorce [with my abusive and narcissistic stepfather]. And she asked if she could just stay in touch by text, to know I was ok.
I was at my lowest mentally and I began to let her into my mind. My heart. I convinced myself it was a good idea to text her. To let her know I had a great life. Kids. A loving husband. Then her mom passed. And her texts to me got aggressive. Incoherent.
This lasted for a few weeks. Until one day she was super apologetic about her wrongs in life. The ones she could remember atleast. And then said she couldn't go on. She made me think she was suicidal, something I had witnessed many times growing up.
And then, she stopped replying. My mind went wild. I was hysterical. Over someone I hated. But the idea of her submitting her last texts to me drove me nuts. I decided to call a local suicide prevention center and report it. I was so scared for her. Her losing her mother, her marriage and home, her daughter---> her whole life NOTHING. I felt like she was doing it for real. The center I called said they would contact her and take care of it. Hours later she responded saying she had been shopping. She asked why I sent so many freaking out texts. She had played me. So I blocked her. I blocked her emotionally. And literally from my phone.
Then I leaped onto my first Facebook live to talk about it. I made a clear decision to face my shit. Face that shit. And talk about it.
That month I began my blog about trauma. I wrote many hard, emotional stories in order to get them off my chest and out into the universe. And it all began.
Writing + daily digging into my trauma + healing all began.
I sit here now working from home daily doing WHAT I LOVE. I write, I connect with others, and I empower survivors to share their stories.
I am now working on 2 different books ---> one about my life with PTSD after prolonged trauma, the other a healing guide for Trauma Survivors.
I have lost weight + changed my diet + exchanged coffee for hemp shakes + journal and write regularly as well as use Facebook daily for spiritual and personal growth.
I have a great marriage with someone who believed in me and has encouraged me to follow this passion. He cannot wait for me to grow and prosper in it. And he now talks /pulls apart his own traumas / experiences. Something we did not expect when I dove into this field but now helps us both.
My kids now see a mom who wakes with passion + purpose. I am calmer, no longer retreat to the bathroom, and cry when I decide to write + activate those emotions for healing purposes. I make time for myself. I care for myself. And so, I am a better caretaker for them. We get out to the library and take walks together. We utilize our days to plan quality time AND my blog/healing work.
I am tackling my problems. I am remembering these hard memories and calling on my past trauma so I can unpack it with love and kindness.
I am addressing who I have been in the different stages of my life. I am setting boundaries. I am cutting out toxic people. And I am giving myself the fighting chance to improve.
I sit here now blessed to get to do what I love daily because I got myself here. Every step of the way, every hard obstacle all got me to here. And the people who loved me, mentored me, taught me, or held me under their wing for guidance all got me here. My loving husband and kids got me here. Most of all, the releasing of my own blocks has gotten me here.
It is scary to write our truths. To reveal the things that made us feel weak or pathetic. We hide under our clothing a lifetime of scars and pain. But not sharing is the vice we remain hooked to, lying to ourselves by saying it is a form of protection from the world.
To hide is not to be safe. It is to be stuck.
I do NOT want to be STUCK.
My whole past consisted of humoring all the negative, toxic, stuck people in my life.
Allowing people who either consume, tolerate or are the dysfunctional part of their own lives to JUDGE OR CRITICIZE ME was ludacris.
Allowing people who are too afraid to LEAP into healthy choices... it was hypocritical.
I will never be stuck, so long as I always remind myself that I am a fighter. That my intuition and gut KNOW what is right.
I will ALWAYS prevail, so long as I make healthy and safe choices for my life and my family.
The act of getting "unstuck" is a CHOICE.
And now, I live for movement + awareness + clarity. ♡
Your life is comprised of all these moments.
Make your next moment one that elevates you beyond who you assume you are right now.
What you only THINK you are STUCK in. Your blocks only stop you if you let them. ♡
Published by Jean Soto JS Jaded Savior blog: firstname.lastname@example.org
Jean Soto, mother of 3 and wife, is a writer + artist in the Hudson Valley, NY community.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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