I FCKING HATE STRUGGLING. Don't we all?

And every day I see it, "5 easy steps to get out of struggle" or "from struggling to thriving."

The concept of healing and succeeding is amazing -- right?

And once we "get there", we tend to detach from the fact that we struggled before. It just gets stored in a file in our brain office, in the "archives".

But struggle is not just a thing I want to attack with a broom and sweep under a rug.

Struggle has given me so much.

From the trauma and abuse, I learned compassion and kindness.

This is because harsh words, bullying, harassment and belittling towards me gave me not only the soreness but a clear presentation of how not to treat people.

I would study the people who abused me or mistreated me ---> what they had going on in their own lives and what addictions or mental health issues they had. I took it all into account.

I also realized that struggles were temporary if I was resourceful. If I pushed through.

I am not antsy to overcome my struggles so I can throw them behind me and never speak about them again.

The knowledge I learn will carry through my content and outreach so I can share empowerment and the lessons I learned----> so I can help the people still caught up in struggles.

I want to show people MORE love, kindness, consideration, patience, attention, and space as a principal and way of life because I know what it felt like to not be granted that.

I am also not obsessing over the idea of a struggle free lifestyle because I am human.

We all go through struggle of different kinds.
And it's ok to admit it.

Il bet those of you struggling are hiding with it all. Digesting your struggles is pretty effen hard when you live with daily issues and not enough resources or motivation to overcome them.

Also ---> not all struggles are overcome quickly.
Or simply.

Some people will struggle their whole lives.

And that's the ugly truth of it.

But let's take out the fear and apprehension around the word struggle.

Let's stop making the word sound so DIRTY or SCANDALOUS.

I HAVE STRUGGLES.

But I no longer to mumble it under my breath when people want to know how I am doing.

Sketchily looking down and around, hands in my pocket and toes pointing to the floor...stumbling on the lumpy words as I mumble "I'm shrglg..." .... "strrrrgle..." ... mur.."

Dammit.

It's scary to say. To admit.

And I'm tired of the indigestion.

I HAVE PROBLEMS.
I AM STRUGGLING.
MONTHLY. WEEKLY. SOMETIMES DAILY.

Posting these is a struggle....

But here I am.

Taking time to think about how struggles have made me stronger. Better. Smarter. More capable. More compassionate.
In the times I had addict parents raising me and not guiding me through life, I had struggles.

As a teen mother, kicked out at 16 with nothing to my name. Struggles.

College student raising a baby and bringing her daily to campus. Struggles.

Married, 3 kids, roof over my head. But struggling.

The good news is, I finally decided showing up with struggles is not just OK. IT IS IMPERATIVE.

Breaking down the stigma around these labels associated with struggle ----> SUPER IMPORTANT.

LISTENING TO, READING, AND DISCUSSING TRAUMA + STRUGGLES + ABUSE IS SO VITAL.

Or else we will stay in our own lanes. And be so afraid to cross over or interact with one another.

We will silently compare ourselves to photo shoppe and backdrops and fake-it-till-you-make-it social media posts that make us feel inferior. Or angry. Or alone.

All because we have struggles.

I'm tired of mumbling, shuffling, hiding, stifling, shaking, and resisting.

I CAN SHOW UP AS A MOSAIC, WITH FRAGMENTS MISSING. IT DOES NOT TAKE AWAY FROM WHAT I AM WHEN YOU TAKE A FEW STEPS BACK. WHAT I HAVE TO OFFER.

I don't want you to hide your struggles. In fact, I'd love to help you pull them apart. Not be alone in them. Find yourself in others.
You might find yourself in my posts.

From my discussions on trauma to my creative stories about PTSD.

Maybe one single word I use resonates with you.

If I can revive any word in your inner dialogue as well as your conversation with others, I want it to be STRUGGLE.

STRUGGLE is not the thing that makes you weaker, but wiser. ♡

Let's keep it handy, in the "integrity" folder, eh?

J.S. Jaded Savior

​I want to talk to you about a really raw topic that has previously kept me SMALL and SCARED.

I've decided this year, at 29, that I want to show up NAKED.

What does that mean?

I want to present myself, my soul work, and my passion as authentically as possible.

My goal is NOT TO BASH, BUT TO DISMANTLE the beauty standards.

To connect us all in a higher way.

To stand up for the women who do not feel all put together.

I struggle with depression and anxiety daily. My days consist of raising 3 kids at home while my husband is mostly away for work. We barely make ends meet and struggle a lot. It feels scary and I feel like I am in survival mode every single day.

Aside from that, like many of you struggle with, I have comparisonitis.

I see all these upper class + insta perfect and pinterest worthy lifestyles on social media WHICH IS MANY STEPS UP ABOVE ME.

It makes me feel inferior knowing I've come from poverty, trauma and abuse ----> every time I look around me or in the mirror I see a girl that looks nothing like the "healthy and well" women who have it all.

For the last 5 years, I've seen the women with amazing marketing and branding + professional photographs + perfect wardrobe get all the things I've never had.

And I've thought to myself, NO SUCCESSFUL PERSON LOOKS LIKE I DO.

I must need to change.

But in order to change, I need money ---> resources ---> to become something I currently am not and have never been.

While I now know that self worth does not come from the Ks in our account, it took me a long time to understand that.

To understand myself as well as other people. Who we all are, deep down. And what we all feel, in spite of how much or how little we have.

I also realized that there are so many women out here like myself who have HID.

Stop HIDING.

If you have nothing in your bank account or very little to your name.

If you have a curvy or skinny, over weight or underweight, scarred, handicapped, or broken body.

Stop HIDING.

If your skin is imperfect and your eye sight is not perfect and your teeth are crooked.
 
Stop HIDING.

If you have blemishes, pimples, rosacea, large pores, under eye circles, yellowed eyes, discoloration, dryness, hyperpigmentation, or other issues like eczema, psoriasis etc.

 Stop HIDING.

If you have big breasts, small breasts, no breasts, uneven breasts. Have had surgery of any kind. Feel disproportionate.

Stop HIDING.

IF YOU NEVER DO YOUR EYEBROWS OR WAX OR SHAVE ----> STOP HIDING.

If your hair is all different shades and bleached out as fkkkk, if you are bald or balding, if you do your own hair or have never done a thing to it. If you are lucky to put a comb in it every so often ---> STOP HIDING.

IF YOUR MENTAL HEALTH IS SLIPPING CONSTANTLY, YOU FEEL LIKE THIS LIFE IS SURREAL OR STRUGGLE MOMENT TO MOMENT TO BE PRESENT ---> STOP HIDING.

I am here now and will show up more on the days I feel low, because it is a feeling I fabricated from irrational thoughts around worthiness.

I am so many great things all wrapped up in a unique package. I have overcome so much and can teach others so many helpful lessons about life and success. Success like setting goals and finding the resources to achieve them.

I am creative and imaginative. Progressive. Powerful.

I am so many things.

And I have hid because I thought I was not beautiful. Or wealthy. Or wise enough to speak.

I thought no one would listen to me.

But I was wrong.
And so are you.

Sometimes BOLD and playing it BIG mean speaking softly, just the words you previously feared saying out loud.

Sometimes BOLD and playing it BIG means wearing no makeup to a first date or job interview and letting your skills + confidence shine without hiding what you hate most about yourself.

It's letting people see YOU.

You in your NAKED truths.

You, without the POMPS AND FRILLS.

You, without the BELLS AND WHISTLES.

You, without a K to your name.

You, in all your glory.

I want you to know that you are so perfect right now in all your human form.

Flaws and all.

I want to ask you to stop saying flaw or flawless.

I want you to feel safe in this space ----> because we are the creators.

You have so much MAGIC stored up and unaccessed.

All that knowledge, all the words unspoken, all the feelings you keep inside ----> I am so eager to hear you and see you!!

So STOP HIDING.

I cannot wait to watch you shine. ♡♡♡

J.S. Jaded Savior
​

There is a major difference between ghosting someone and setting a boundary. If it gets to a point where your fight or flight kicks in and you rapidly remove someone from your life without notifying them, understand that you do not need validation and your own safety or integrity was absolutely being violated in such a way that having a confrontation was not an option.

When you make the choice to remove somebody from your space, whether in person or online, know that you can honor that decision. It is important to pull apart what the triggers were, what you felt and why, what the other person's role was in the situation as well as how capable that person may have been to handle a discussion before you decided to act.

But that fight or flight you get stuck in often signals big red flags.

When I feel this and I choose to remove someone from my life, it usually means that multiple times that person set off flags that i tried to overlook or use hyper-vigilance to explain.

If I've finally removed them, it means the opportunity for confronting or discussing the issue felt MORE LIKE MORE OF A RISK than removing them.

And when said person [anyone in this hypothetical scenario] reacts by aggressively questioning why they were removed, look out for signs of *gas lighting *manipulation *victim blaming *avoidance *lack of responsibility to the situation. All of those things are characteristics of abuse.

Of course, it is still tricky.

A toxic and unhealthy person will not be able to show remorse or a role in the situation. A healthy person will offer an apology or solution.

However, a sociopathic or multi personality disorder will show up as passive aggressive comments, challenges, promises for better behavior, even a reward or treat for forgiving them. They may say things like "il over look this" or "I won't hold this against you".

If you felt victim to something and created boundaries that were then disrespected, that person knows what they are doing and are targeting you with tactful behaviors that are meant to confuse and subdue you.

So always honor your boundaries.

Honor your own desires and feelings all the while being emotionally intelligent and regulating your emotions.

There is a balance to leading a healthy life and relationships, but never compromise your own integrity or worth for someone else.

I do this thing where I speak to myself without using "if, then" phrases.

I do this because I got tired of having a perpetually negative mindset and dismissive attitude towards all my goals and desires.

I realized that every time I hoped to get something done, I first consulted with my "if, then" assistant. This hired help, dwelling in my head, would weigh in my decisions on being worth trying if it were to bring me some sort of benefit one return.

This hired assistant thought a good way to rationalize my behaviors was by reality checking my "impluses".

But ideas are not synonymous with impulses.

Ideas are built up with creativity, innovation, and passion + a solution to a hindrance or issue.

The thing is, acting is a solution.

Physically, emotionally and mentally moving forward with ideas make us utilize solutions.

Even more so, progress is birthed out of action. Sans perfection, we can perform reoccurring actions that will benefit our lives.
We just so happen to have a name for those reoccurring actions.

Habits.

Whenever I would get an idea, the hired help inside my head would say "well, if you do this then you will receive this ---> so it's a good idea."

Or, like the voice of reason, she would hear out my idea and say "this decision will not give you anything. No immediate and maybe no long term outcome. No reward. This is not smart."

I fired my hired help the day I realized I hired her based on society's notion of what success really is. I realized most ideas I came up with got dismissed.

Though I call her hired help, because her ideas from the environment seemed sound, what she really acted as was the dismissiveness and ridicule I placed within my own psyche every time I wanted to step out of the box.

Heck, sometimes I dismissed even doing small actions if the action would not present some sort of reward that was a step towards perfecting my formula for success.

The core of the issue was this. What was success? What did it look like? What did it feel like to be successful?
​
I surely knew what being a failure felt like. What being poor felt like. What being a low energy, depressed bad idea generator felt like.

My ideas were not actually bad either. Logic met emotion and collectively awakened to the fact that my ideas were never bad at all.

In fact, I was a highly creative and passionate individual with endless inspiration and ideas every single day.

So how come every idea got shot down?

I fired my hired help, the thing inside my head that said "instant gratification or bust."

The thing that said "you have to know the outcome before you take a first step".

I inevitably would never get close to success or happiness if I never took chances.

And I could not possibly predict outcomes, like if an email to a company I want to partner with for my blog would take me seriously and say yes.

Like if going out on an adventure, intuitively, one day to see where the day takes me could lead to amazing discoveries and opportunities.

The truth was, playing big felt unsafe because I did not have enough faith that I would succeed in anything.

In fact, I dismissed the simple act of taking action without worrying about the value of what would come out of it as an actual WIN.

Now I know, it is an absolute win to be a person who takes chances.

To write that email, send that letter, show up to that place, ask that question, plan that trip, write that book, read that story, invest in that opportunity, take that class....

Ask that person on a date.

Tell that person you love them.

To play big is to live.

To let the assistant in your head tell you the reward is greater than the act is just horse shit.

It comes from being raised in a corporate and diligent society of people who think money is king and "overachieving" is a label for unhealthy people. Instead of encouraging and supporting the notion that we can just achieve as much as we want to and enjoy the leaps. That playing big CAN be healthy. That joy does not need to be moderated.

It comes from those who think "intuition" is woo and synonymous with lacking proof or logic.

I now know that what makes my heart happy in the moment and allows me to play with my creativity is so rewarding, it is bound to have amazing effects on my life.

Not just an amazing result.
A beautiful process.

I now know life is most beautiful and magical when we revel in the process.

When we leap ALL IN with excitement, faith, and spontaneity.

Play big.

Do the things.

Fire the assistant in your head.

You know what.

Give her a vacation. Not as an assignment or hiatus. Teach her how to live. Seek joy.

And then bring her back into play as your companion in seeking out opportunities through active leaps of faith.
It is illogical and irrational to "if, then".

The truth is, you have no idea how it will play out.

The way to be logical and rational is to stick to your values.

To make healthy, aligned decisions that allow you to flow with your dreams.

J.S. Jaded Savior

Jaded Savior is coming into 2020 with big goals and shifts to make more impact on social media.

This is a reclamation of who I am and what my mission is here in this world.

This is a rebirth of my own inner child, into womanhood and empowerment.

I am going to bring you back to the beginning, when I began this blog to discuss mental health and society.

I'm interested in stripping it all down, the bare bones of suffering and abuse.

The ways in which trauma travels through generations of families and touches on all of our lives.

Most of all, the way we talk about trauma survivors and the experiences that go unseen.

I'm here to tell you what it feels like, smells like, sounds like, tastes like when struggling with mental health issues. ----> my goal is to go beyond textbook definitions and news reports.

I am more than a statistic.

More than some words on a piece of paper or a status post.

For years I was terrified of speaking up because it may have costed me everything I had, even my own life.

When I finally experienced too much hardship but it would affect my first born, I spoke up. I lost everything I had ever known at only 16 years old to become a mother.

I've had to rebuild my life multiple times

My symptoms of PTSD are more than a side effects label, printed on a label that everyone ignores and shoves to the side.

I want you to know what it is like to be a walking and breathing result of child abuse, poverty, brain and body trauma.

This is not just about recovery ----> my platform is a place where you can understand what it is that even needs to be treated.
What suffering does to us all.

And how terribly we need to start relying on one another for healing ----> as a collective of broken souls with silenced words and voices that beg to be heard.

Being heard and being seen as a trauma survivor means something monumental. It is not a quick or basic step that should be brushed over.

To be seen for our silent struggles, even decades later.

Validation does more than make a victim feel recognized.

It closes the gaps.

The gaps in time, in events, in emotions that before hand all did not add up ------> the equation finally gets solved when someone else labels it as abnormal, unhealthy, and not okay.

This blog started as a space for recognizing truths and empowering trauma survivors to speak up.

I wish to uplift those of you who have suffered with empowerment and resources to heal ---> to show you that there is life beyond the trauma.
I am not a coach, healer, social worker, or psychiatrist.

I am a survivor who uses writing, art, and self expression to paint my pain in a way that conveys how unbearable surviving felt.
I do this so you can feel less alone as you carry similar tales in your heart.

I do this so the people who have never experienced what I have can still dig deeper into their own human experience and draw out love, compassion, and empathy for others.

I have reached a point in my existence where I am not afraid to share the details of my trauma because I know how much it impacts the lives of others when these truths are shared.

I am here for the long haul, to recover and be reborn into a leader who helps change the way we approach mental health rehabilitation.

I wish to dismantle the bullshit we have perpetuated around society about what it's like to have anxiety, depression, ptsd, and live in poverty.

My credentials are tucked into my 29 years experience with family members and loved ones who had mental health problems, generational abuse, addictions, as well as a poor and struggling lifestyle.

I also want to CRUSH the idea that you have to show up and advocate for mental health only after healing.

And break down the stigma that generational trauma takes lifetimes to dismantle.

The truth is I CAN break the chain within my own lifespan.

I CAN be resourceful and educate myself.

I CAN make a difference, once post and one person at a time.

So I will continue to, as I intuitively write about my past and present in order to address mental health topics and ways to heal holistically and spiritually.

I will be making meaningful connections with those wanting to add to my platform and cause as well as support it.

My whole heart and soul are tied to this project ----> it is my soul purpose.

And I cannot wait to share it globally. ♡


J.S. Jaded Savior

Don't let anyone tell you that your vision is crazy!

I have this new idea and people have already judged me for it, which only empowered me to do it more. And to make a BIG point to advocate all along the way.

For my own dang genius.

Here's the thing.

Change always sounds crazy.

To our body. To our mind. To the people around us.

Because it is new, it seems a bit shaky.

But how well does life pan out when we play it safe and stay in a bubble?
Imagine if all the great inventors of the world decided to give up after the first person called them crazy !!!!

Imagine where we would be as a society if we did not play it BIG or take risks....

The funny thing is, the people who do judge me are just feeling some triggers because I want to REBEL against the norm.
I am not afraid to step out and be seen in my UGLY DAYS.

In the last 10 months I have been writing openly and publicly about my worst moments. And nothing has been attached to it, NO expectations or deals at the end of my feels.

I am a writer and my purpose is to actively advocate for those who struggle with PTSD + Anxiety + depression like I do [on the daily].

I am a #trauma survivor and I still struggle with the aftermath of abuse and the pain it caused me since BIRTH.

But I am ALWAYS willing to show up with all the sticky, scary details. Because that has been my mission. Freedom through writing.

A purging of my memory onto the page. To set myself free of all this pain. These insecurities. These triggers.

I have been in poverty and struggles all my life. I want people to understand why. And not the social definitions or misconceptions about struggle and what it means to be without.

That is not enough.

I want to tell you the stories of how I survived my childhood and endured abuse in my teen years. How I managed being a teen mother raising a baby and how I got through college while raising her on my own.

I want you to hear how I got into bad relationships, and I want you to know what they did to me.

This IS TRAUMA. You can actively read about it on my blog.

I want you to know what steps got me to where I am now. And that my life was so horrible in the beginning but has gotten better in the last decade because of the choices i made.

I need to set the record straight for myself and others on what it actually feels like to have mentally ill parents and what kind of person I am in spite of it.

Why do I need to do this for myself?

Because I was manipulated for over 25 years into thinking it was all my fault because I was around abusive people. -----> but I wasn't.

For those of you out there emotionally and mentally dying right now from the serious struggle of having narcissistic and or mentally ill people in your circle-----> these stories are for you.

I am offering you validation as I discover it through education. One of my ideas I had last year was to get into educating myself so that I could share it as I heal.

So I could actively give people what they needed to help THEMSELVES.

I have learned my boundaries and emotions through the work but I have always been deeply insightful and have asked thought provoking questions.

I have dared to play it big even when everyone around me says small is safe.

Or that someone like me, with no family or resources, will never make it. Not in the big leagues. More like a side liner.

The thing is, BIG for me means getting in front of more and more people to make big impact.

To change the way we view survivors. The way we talk to them. The way we talk to one another.

I want to set the bar super high for those of you struggling and actively encourage you to reach it. Every day.

Not as a coach. Or a healer. Or a guru.

Just as someone who spends every day reaching.

My whole life, I hope I spend it running with my BIG IDEAS.

Without needing to slap on titles and systems.

That is just not ME.

I know what works for ME now.

I want to flow.
Create.
Be.

And pave a pathway for others who need that reassurance that their idea of living healthy and happy as definition of "success" is, in fact, not
CRAZY.

J.S. Jaded Savior

And they painted me with their pain.
The anger.
The grief.
The frustrations.
The grease.
They poured gasoline all over my bare body,
An anointment of my dedication to their cause
and a show of loyalty to their emotions.
Shimmering voilet,
heavy eyes looking away in shame,
as I'm handed the match.
And we all know what happens
when a match is held too long.
Burn.
Burning brighter and standing taller,
I rise up with revelations and plum hued glitter falling all around my feet.
Dragons don't diminish from the flame.
They consume it.
Wings stretched out,
I paint the skies with magic.
Transcending pain into power.
And share it all with the world,
PURPLE streaks across the skies of light and love.
888
J.S. JADED SAVIOR

When you lose someone due to the closing of a relationship, it hurts. It is sad. We have to grieve it whether the choice was ours or theirs.

We have to reflect on what the good and times both were.

You can be sad but not want to bond with someone any more. And it may take a really long time to get over it. But it is important to honor your own boundaries. To honor the growing period you are handed once something clears some space in your life.

It is a clearing.

And this gives you the opportunity to bud new loving relationships.

The first one you need to check in on is the one with yourself. Do some repairing and mending on your wounds and the qualities you know can improve on. Find your triggers around this last dying relationship so you do not mistreat or misunderstand the new people that come into your life.

You will not attract solid, supportive, positive friendships if you are full of anger + sadness from all the losses. Especially if you think they were yours alone and only the other persons fault.

Healthy is the goal.

No matter what area in your life you are setting them.
You should want and strive for healthy friendships and relationships with others.

If you still find yourself thinking or saying negative things out loud about people, like "it is too hard to find a good person or a good friend", "everyone these days acts so flaky," then you need to go back and do some inner work.

When you project your fears and insecurities, you attract them.

​Quite literally out of your own tension and anger, you make other people who are like that come into your conversations and world.

We do not just shed the dying relationship but we shed the bad mindset that kept it going as long as it did.

RELEASE.
​
RELEASE the need to people please ---> to let people walk all over your boundaries like they just bought new cleats and would like to break the damn things in.

RELEASE the need to open up old wounds because you feel sad for the thing you lost or the person no longer around. What happens to broken open stitches? Infection.

RELEASE the urge to silence your own voice ----> your thank you speech for showing up BIG finally and being rewarded for it will never happen if you do not get on that soap box already.

RELEASE the sadness you have because of dreams not reached, you still have so much reaching to do in your life and it will feel easier the more you work out those little toes.

RELEASE the painful feeling of tension in your neck and spine for carrying around all that awful pressure and regret. Shake it off. Work it out. Stretch the bi*ch until you can move easier. Flexibility and flow are your friends til the end.