January 2020: Dismantling toxic beliefs; Building a foundation of authenticity rooted in trust and intuition.
I've had to let go of some major lies that led to self destruction, depression, and a loss of identity.
Going against the grain and standing up for what I believed in was always a natural instinct that I actively suppressed when I felt like my surroundings were not safe.
What that really meant was I was that i was actively perpetuating the toxic environment that kept me caged, without even knowing it because of the distraction of my greatest fears being made true repeatedly.
Now I know that facing rock bottom was a necessary journey that only felt lonely because I was walking away from everything that did not serve me.
New Years felt like an event I bought VIP tickets to, after months of working hard on myself.
Wearing goggles and eagerly grinning as I looked on at the TNT being hooked up to a mountain I had built, boulder by boulder for years, that I discovered was a product of self sabotage and fear.
And as others watched the ball drop on tv with their loves ones, I stood center stage to my own destructive ways being dismantled.
One big boom and it was all gone.
All the shame, sadness, self comparisons and anxiety blasted into a million fragments of what I thought made up my life.
As I stood proud and relieved, ash fell like snowflakes around me. I smiled as the smoke rose up and lifted out of my sight, revealing a huge and empty clearing ahead.
All that mass of hard rock was built on the lies that I was not good enough to succeed. That I was limited. That relationships were what they "were", with no ability to expand or mature. That self hate was a type of characteristic some were just born with and I was a lucky recipient of the gene's that cause both loathing and love, in a battle over which power within me would win over my identity.
As it turns out, love always wins.
This year I vow to love myself entirely.
But love DOES NOT come free.
In order to love ourselves entirely and honor ourselves, we have to lose the stones that burden us with a heaviness that is unnecessary to carry.
That is right. It is unnecessary to carry hatred and fear. To carry self loathing and self sabotage.
It is too heavy to be anything less than what we envision as the full embodiment of love, honesty, and joy.
My new mantra: To keep a clear path, I must unload the burden of feeling not enough and replace it with the pursuit of joy.
I must pursue joy.
Joy is at the center of love.
So how do I become all that is love?
I replace everything that does not validate, encourage, or display joy in my life with what will.
Even though some people will say "you cannot just live in pure bliss" , "life is not all sunshine", "not every experience will be a good one".
People who dismiss joy are just looking at it from a negative lens. People just dismiss what they cannot fathom. Those who dismiss joy believe they are not worthy of receiving it.
I am no longer a willing participant in the dismissal of joy.
I embrace what makes me feel best and allow my true passions to shine by doing so.
Marketing in 2020: Being myself
Work in 2020: Doing what I love
Income strategy in 2020: Speak up about my needs [in all forms]
Networking strategy in 2020: Attract the souls who are on a pursuit of joy and alignment. Break away from those who are not there yet.
Boundaries in 2020:
●Detach from the notion that it is my job to get people from point A to point B, because I'm "an expert".
●Detach from the notion that I have "the one answer" to others problems just because I am a "survivor".
● Detach from the belief that those not [yet] pursuing joy are mine to enlighten.
●Detach from the responsibility of convincing others that my pursuit of joy is a worthy cause
If I want a clear path and an electrifying energy in all that I pursue, I must honor my own needs daily.
As someone with anxiety and depression, who is self aware of the triggers and ticks that deter me, I have an extra motivation to pursue joy.
It is going to take some daily prompting and reminders to keep myself on track, but I am excited to move forward.
I NOW KNOW the very depths of darkness my mind and emotions can take me to -----> so I do not need ANY BODY to justify why pursuing JOY is right for me.
I NOW KNOW the deepest losses and insecurities in their ugliest forms as mere gifts from the universe in paving a clear path.
I NOW KNOW the dynamite needed to blast away the thick mass of negativity and pain was really "belief in myself".
Once I came face to face with my low, love held me through the explosion.
The key principals I want to leave with you are these:
☆ It's okay to dismantle the pieces of you that no longer serve your future self.
☆ It's ok to say goodbye to everything and everyone if it means keeping your own heart intact.
☆ It's ok to set fire to bridges and make a clean break instead of preparing reasons or goodbye speeches to please everyone else.
☆ It's ok to believe in love and joy, while still knowing deeply that you are an intellectual and logical person at the same time. Those traits are not opposing or impossible to embody all at once. INTELLIGENCE IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF EMOTION. RATIONALITY IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF JOY.
☆ It's ok to adopt NEW beliefs and GROW rapidly. Do not let anyone tell you that a month, week, day or hour is too short for growth ---> heck, a moment of revelation and alignment is POWERFUL AF.
☆ It is not JUST OK but MANDATORY in your pursuit of joy to work in flow and balance. To honor your needs and desires as the leading motivation for all that you do.
☆Your leading motivation in life is not to make money, get rich or get famous. It is to leave a mark in this world. And what better mark to leave than that paved in truth and love.
The road ahead feels easier to travel because I can actually see where I am going.
No more short cuts or promises of a faster route for me.
Joy is not at the end of a race or an X on any map.
It is found in all rest stops along the way. The little moments and sights to see. The ways in which we embrace the fun, inspiration, excitement, and beauty this world has to offer.
All the lies we believed about borrowed formulas and proven processes are road maps to something. But I've decided what they lead to are at best generic blue prints for what society has decreed to be "success" and "fulfillment".
Success, to me, is now just another word for "highest self".
Only I can make a list of all that person truly is -- after stripping myself of "others' expectations" to reveal the magic that is "me".
♡ J.S. Jaded Savior
I do this thing where I speak to myself without using "if, then" phrases.
I do this because I got tired of having a perpetually negative mindset and dismissive attitude towards all my goals and desires.
I realized that every time I hoped to get something done, I first consulted with my "if, then" assistant. This hired help, dwelling in my head, would weigh in my decisions on being worth trying if it were to bring me some sort of benefit one return.
This hired assistant thought a good way to rationalize my behaviors was by reality checking my "impluses".
But ideas are not synonymous with impulses.
Ideas are built up with creativity, innovation, and passion + a solution to a hindrance or issue.
The thing is, acting is a solution.
Physically, emotionally and mentally moving forward with ideas make us utilize solutions.
Even more so, progress is birthed out of action. Sans perfection, we can perform reoccurring actions that will benefit our lives.
We just so happen to have a name for those reoccurring actions.
Whenever I would get an idea, the hired help inside my head would say "well, if you do this then you will receive this ---> so it's a good idea."
Or, like the voice of reason, she would hear out my idea and say "this decision will not give you anything. No immediate and maybe no long term outcome. No reward. This is not smart."
I fired my hired help the day I realized I hired her based on society's notion of what success really is. I realized most ideas I came up with got dismissed.
Though I call her hired help, because her ideas from the environment seemed sound, what she really acted as was the dismissiveness and ridicule I placed within my own psyche every time I wanted to step out of the box.
Heck, sometimes I dismissed even doing small actions if the action would not present some sort of reward that was a step towards perfecting my formula for success.
The core of the issue was this. What was success? What did it look like? What did it feel like to be successful?
I surely knew what being a failure felt like. What being poor felt like. What being a low energy, depressed bad idea generator felt like.
My ideas were not actually bad either. Logic met emotion and collectively awakened to the fact that my ideas were never bad at all.
In fact, I was a highly creative and passionate individual with endless inspiration and ideas every single day.
So how come every idea got shot down?
I fired my hired help, the thing inside my head that said "instant gratification or bust."
The thing that said "you have to know the outcome before you take a first step".
I inevitably would never get close to success or happiness if I never took chances.
And I could not possibly predict outcomes, like if an email to a company I want to partner with for my blog would take me seriously and say yes.
Like if going out on an adventure, intuitively, one day to see where the day takes me could lead to amazing discoveries and opportunities.
The truth was, playing big felt unsafe because I did not have enough faith that I would succeed in anything.
In fact, I dismissed the simple act of taking action without worrying about the value of what would come out of it as an actual WIN.
Now I know, it is an absolute win to be a person who takes chances.
To write that email, send that letter, show up to that place, ask that question, plan that trip, write that book, read that story, invest in that opportunity, take that class....
Ask that person on a date.
Tell that person you love them.
To play big is to live.
To let the assistant in your head tell you the reward is greater than the act is just horse shit.
It comes from being raised in a corporate and diligent society of people who think money is king and "overachieving" is a label for unhealthy people. Instead of encouraging and supporting the notion that we can just achieve as much as we want to and enjoy the leaps. That playing big CAN be healthy. That joy does not need to be moderated.
It comes from those who think "intuition" is woo and synonymous with lacking proof or logic.
I now know that what makes my heart happy in the moment and allows me to play with my creativity is so rewarding, it is bound to have amazing effects on my life.
Not just an amazing result.
A beautiful process.
I now know life is most beautiful and magical when we revel in the process.
When we leap ALL IN with excitement, faith, and spontaneity.
Do the things.
Fire the assistant in your head.
You know what?
Give her a vacation. Not as an assignment or hiatus. Teach her how to live. Seek joy.
And then bring her back into play as your companion in seeking out opportunities through active leaps of faith.
It is illogical and irrational to "if, then".
The truth is, you have no idea how it will play out.
The way to be logical and rational is to stick to your values.
To make healthy, aligned decisions that allow you to flow with your dreams.
J.S. Jaded Savior
We say mean shit about women who fund-raise or beg for help, but we hate to see people struggle.
We say mean shit about women who abort, but we hate that women have to go through rape or unwanted pregnancy.
We say mean shit about women who stay home with their kids by choice, but we say women who work are so selfish for leaving their kids in other hands.
We say mean shit about women who stay with an abusive partner, yet we hate that women are abused but have not educated ourselves in how abuse works.
We say mean shit about women who cry their problems out on facebook, but we say more people should speak up when they are suffering.
We say mean shit about women posting their business a lot, yet we rant that people need to break away from corporate to gain financial freedom and happiness.
We say mean shit about women.
"We" is not a WE when we sever the relationship between US and OTHERS due to our lack of empathy, understanding, gratitude, appreciation, support, consideration, or kindness.
WE need to do better.
- J.S. Jaded Savior
STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE ON A FERRIS WHEEL.
You have been spinning around doing "ooohs and ahhhs" at the skyline and the pretty lights beyond for what seems like a lifetime already.
But in order to appreciate the sparkle of life up close, you need to get off the damn ride and move forward.
Move. Forward. And outward.
Expansion will never come if you are just a spectator.
I was on the ride for 28 years and then I realized I had signed up for chronic motion sickness + suffering without a hint as to how I ended up that way.
Most of us suffer because we do not see how we perpetuate it.
Do not wait until Jan 1 to get off the ride.
In fact, if you are reading this, here is your Que.
THE RIDE IS OVER.
THE LOOP OF SUFFERING YOU HAVE BEEN ON....
Watching everyone else "succeed" and then thinking that you are just not enough.
That is wrong.
You were wrong.
But it's ok.
You know what you need to do.
It is not stupid.
It is not ridiculous.
Sign off to the notion that your IDEAS are impossible.
That no one else will care.
That you lack the abilities to make it happen.
You have always had what it takes, the tools you need to achieve anything you want.
You just never believed it.
Those twinkling lights and skyline are close enough to touch.
But do me a favor.
Make sure you rise up HIGH.
MAKE SURE YOU CHASE THOSE DREAMS AND THEN YOU SHINE LIKE A MO FO BEACON.
THE GOAL IS NOT JUST TO GET OFF THE WHEEL.
It is to shine so brightly you create the encouragement others need to get off the damn wheel too.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Empowering content that inspires and provokes thoughts around healing, personal growth and personal development.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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