I do this thing where I speak to myself without using "if, then" phrases.

I do this because I got tired of having a perpetually negative mindset and dismissive attitude towards all my goals and desires.

I realized that every time I hoped to get something done, I first consulted with my "if, then" assistant. This hired help, dwelling in my head, would weigh in my decisions on being worth trying if it were to bring me some sort of benefit one return.

This hired assistant thought a good way to rationalize my behaviors was by reality checking my "impluses".

But ideas are not synonymous with impulses.

Ideas are built up with creativity, innovation, and passion + a solution to a hindrance or issue.

The thing is, acting is a solution.

Physically, emotionally and mentally moving forward with ideas make us utilize solutions.

Even more so, progress is birthed out of action. Sans perfection, we can perform reoccurring actions that will benefit our lives.
We just so happen to have a name for those reoccurring actions.

Habits.

Whenever I would get an idea, the hired help inside my head would say "well, if you do this then you will receive this ---> so it's a good idea."

Or, like the voice of reason, she would hear out my idea and say "this decision will not give you anything. No immediate and maybe no long term outcome. No reward. This is not smart."

I fired my hired help the day I realized I hired her based on society's notion of what success really is. I realized most ideas I came up with got dismissed.

Though I call her hired help, because her ideas from the environment seemed sound, what she really acted as was the dismissiveness and ridicule I placed within my own psyche every time I wanted to step out of the box.

Heck, sometimes I dismissed even doing small actions if the action would not present some sort of reward that was a step towards perfecting my formula for success.

The core of the issue was this. What was success? What did it look like? What did it feel like to be successful?
​
I surely knew what being a failure felt like. What being poor felt like. What being a low energy, depressed bad idea generator felt like.

My ideas were not actually bad either. Logic met emotion and collectively awakened to the fact that my ideas were never bad at all.

In fact, I was a highly creative and passionate individual with endless inspiration and ideas every single day.

So how come every idea got shot down?

I fired my hired help, the thing inside my head that said "instant gratification or bust."

The thing that said "you have to know the outcome before you take a first step".

I inevitably would never get close to success or happiness if I never took chances.

And I could not possibly predict outcomes, like if an email to a company I want to partner with for my blog would take me seriously and say yes.

Like if going out on an adventure, intuitively, one day to see where the day takes me could lead to amazing discoveries and opportunities.

The truth was, playing big felt unsafe because I did not have enough faith that I would succeed in anything.

In fact, I dismissed the simple act of taking action without worrying about the value of what would come out of it as an actual WIN.

Now I know, it is an absolute win to be a person who takes chances.

To write that email, send that letter, show up to that place, ask that question, plan that trip, write that book, read that story, invest in that opportunity, take that class....

Ask that person on a date.

Tell that person you love them.

To play big is to live.

To let the assistant in your head tell you the reward is greater than the act is just horse shit.

It comes from being raised in a corporate and diligent society of people who think money is king and "overachieving" is a label for unhealthy people. Instead of encouraging and supporting the notion that we can just achieve as much as we want to and enjoy the leaps. That playing big CAN be healthy. That joy does not need to be moderated.

It comes from those who think "intuition" is woo and synonymous with lacking proof or logic.

I now know that what makes my heart happy in the moment and allows me to play with my creativity is so rewarding, it is bound to have amazing effects on my life.

Not just an amazing result.
A beautiful process.

I now know life is most beautiful and magical when we revel in the process.

When we leap ALL IN with excitement, faith, and spontaneity.

Play big.

Do the things.

Fire the assistant in your head.

You know what.

Give her a vacation. Not as an assignment or hiatus. Teach her how to live. Seek joy.

And then bring her back into play as your companion in seeking out opportunities through active leaps of faith.
It is illogical and irrational to "if, then".

The truth is, you have no idea how it will play out.

The way to be logical and rational is to stick to your values.

To make healthy, aligned decisions that allow you to flow with your dreams.

J.S. Jaded Savior

​Deny anyone the ability to tear you down.
If you have been through hard shit, you have the absolute right to talk about it or write about it.
YOU HAVE FULL RIGHT TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.
Do not let anyone take that away because they did not see what you experienced, have no "proof" or even knew your abuser.
Do not let your OWN FAMILY dismiss the hardships you have gone through or the abuse you have survived.
Do not let friends or peers shame you for being open and honest with yourself and speaking your truths.
Speaking my truths has saved my life.
I began speaking up about the abuse when I was in 9th grade but it was not until early college that I got vocal and advocated.
In college, I walked around campus PROUD of being a single, young mother. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HARD AND SCARY.
I got involved on campus and I started a club for parenting students. I spoke out in the student government association on campus as a female representative and made the change. THEY INSTALLED CHANGING TABLES IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM OF THE ACTIVITIES CENTER BECAUSE OF ME SPEAKING UP. It was the first one ever installed!!!!
I spoke out about my exs and my parents. About the manipulation and abuse I had endured.
But speaking in person was not nearly as impactful as it is now getting up on Facebook + Instagram + Twitter to SPEAK MY TRUTHS.
I am here to heal.
And in the process, to dismantle the bullshit idea that we are all perfect and whole.
I am broken, but still going on and doing it with a ROAR.
The abusers in my life birthed and raised me.
Soon after I was tossed between abusive lovers and friendships because that is what happens to abuse victims who do not get help.
WHO DO NOT EVEN KNOW THEY ARE A TRAUMA SURVIVOR.
This year, I am going to get LOUDER.
I post pictures of the real me.
And I write stories that are raw, harsh, detailed, uncomfortable, scary, sad, and empowering AF.
It is empowering to finally say "I was raped".
It is freeing to finally say "I was too young. I felt I had no choice."
It is validation to finally testify to my own experiences and not have to line up defense like images of my bruises and dates or times I called the cops and filed a report.
When I was 17, I sued my own parents for neglect and abuse. This was a year after they had abandoned me to a relative and changed the locks on the doors, with no court order or lawful decisions made. Which meant they continued to claim me in taxes and evade child support laws. They abandoned their only child who was a minor. In effect, they also hid their addictions and record of domestic disputes + abusive treatment of me.
I ultimately "lost" the abuse charges because I had "no proof".
Speaking my truths is no longer about proof.
It is about growth.
Awareness.
TRUTHS that set OTHER victims free.
Today I saw a post about a woman speaking her truths and sharing how abusive her childhood was.
SOMEONE who knew the family commented SHAMING her and called her a spoiled brat / liar for the details she told.
This person had never seen how abusive the parents were. So their comment was not only dismissive of the TRUTHS told YEARS LATER but did what most people do who are clueless about how abuse works.
They defended the abuser.
JADED SAVIOR REPRESENTS A WARRIOR OF TRUTHS AND JUSTICE.
Being able to FINALLY speak up will set you free in body, mind, and spirit.
The pain of being silent can kill.
So think about that if you have a story untold.
And think even harder about your actions if you are someone who as dismissed someone else in the past for their truths.
I will never be able to prove my mom emotionally abused me.
I cannot unsee what she did to me and around me.
I will never be able to forget the taunting and attacks.
I have nightmares still of me trying to escape her house.
You now know the face of a victim.
You are looking right at her.
I do not share for pats or attention because "i need the glory" (yes, i have been told that).
I share because empowerment comes from those who felt the most pain and rose up to do something about it.
J.S. Jaded Savior