January 2020: Dismantling toxic beliefs; Building a foundation of authenticity rooted in trust and intuition.
I've had to let go of some major lies that led to self destruction, depression, and a loss of identity.
Going against the grain and standing up for what I believed in was always a natural instinct that I actively suppressed when I felt like my surroundings were not safe.
What that really meant was I was that i was actively perpetuating the toxic environment that kept me caged, without even knowing it because of the distraction of my greatest fears being made true repeatedly.
Now I know that facing rock bottom was a necessary journey that only felt lonely because I was walking away from everything that did not serve me.
New Years felt like an event I bought VIP tickets to, after months of working hard on myself.
Wearing goggles and eagerly grinning as I looked on at the TNT being hooked up to a mountain I had built, boulder by boulder for years, that I discovered was a product of self sabotage and fear.
And as others watched the ball drop on tv with their loves ones, I stood center stage to my own destructive ways being dismantled.
One big boom and it was all gone.
All the shame, sadness, self comparisons and anxiety blasted into a million fragments of what I thought made up my life.
As I stood proud and relieved, ash fell like snowflakes around me. I smiled as the smoke rose up and lifted out of my sight, revealing a huge and empty clearing ahead.
All that mass of hard rock was built on the lies that I was not good enough to succeed. That I was limited. That relationships were what they "were", with no ability to expand or mature. That self hate was a type of characteristic some were just born with and I was a lucky recipient of the gene's that cause both loathing and love, in a battle over which power within me would win over my identity.
As it turns out, love always wins.
This year I vow to love myself entirely.
But love DOES NOT come free.
In order to love ourselves entirely and honor ourselves, we have to lose the stones that burden us with a heaviness that is unnecessary to carry.
That is right. It is unnecessary to carry hatred and fear. To carry self loathing and self sabotage.
It is too heavy to be anything less than what we envision as the full embodiment of love, honesty, and joy.
My new mantra: To keep a clear path, I must unload the burden of feeling not enough and replace it with the pursuit of joy.
I must pursue joy.
Joy is at the center of love.
So how do I become all that is love?
I replace everything that does not validate, encourage, or display joy in my life with what will.
Even though some people will say "you cannot just live in pure bliss" , "life is not all sunshine", "not every experience will be a good one".
People who dismiss joy are just looking at it from a negative lens. People just dismiss what they cannot fathom. Those who dismiss joy believe they are not worthy of receiving it.
I am no longer a willing participant in the dismissal of joy.
I embrace what makes me feel best and allow my true passions to shine by doing so.
Marketing in 2020: Being myself
Work in 2020: Doing what I love
Income strategy in 2020: Speak up about my needs [in all forms]
Networking strategy in 2020: Attract the souls who are on a pursuit of joy and alignment. Break away from those who are not there yet.
Boundaries in 2020:
●Detach from the notion that it is my job to get people from point A to point B, because I'm "an expert".
●Detach from the notion that I have "the one answer" to others problems just because I am a "survivor".
● Detach from the belief that those not [yet] pursuing joy are mine to enlighten.
●Detach from the responsibility of convincing others that my pursuit of joy is a worthy cause
If I want a clear path and an electrifying energy in all that I pursue, I must honor my own needs daily.
As someone with anxiety and depression, who is self aware of the triggers and ticks that deter me, I have an extra motivation to pursue joy.
It is going to take some daily prompting and reminders to keep myself on track, but I am excited to move forward.
I NOW KNOW the very depths of darkness my mind and emotions can take me to -----> so I do not need ANY BODY to justify why pursuing JOY is right for me.
I NOW KNOW the deepest losses and insecurities in their ugliest forms as mere gifts from the universe in paving a clear path.
I NOW KNOW the dynamite needed to blast away the thick mass of negativity and pain was really "belief in myself".
Once I came face to face with my low, love held me through the explosion.
The key principals I want to leave with you are these:
☆ It's okay to dismantle the pieces of you that no longer serve your future self.
☆ It's ok to say goodbye to everything and everyone if it means keeping your own heart intact.
☆ It's ok to set fire to bridges and make a clean break instead of preparing reasons or goodbye speeches to please everyone else.
☆ It's ok to believe in love and joy, while still knowing deeply that you are an intellectual and logical person at the same time. Those traits are not opposing or impossible to embody all at once. INTELLIGENCE IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF EMOTION. RATIONALITY IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF JOY.
☆ It's ok to adopt NEW beliefs and GROW rapidly. Do not let anyone tell you that a month, week, day or hour is too short for growth ---> heck, a moment of revelation and alignment is POWERFUL AF.
☆ It is not JUST OK but MANDATORY in your pursuit of joy to work in flow and balance. To honor your needs and desires as the leading motivation for all that you do.
☆Your leading motivation in life is not to make money, get rich or get famous. It is to leave a mark in this world. And what better mark to leave than that paved in truth and love.
The road ahead feels easier to travel because I can actually see where I am going.
No more short cuts or promises of a faster route for me.
Joy is not at the end of a race or an X on any map.
It is found in all rest stops along the way. The little moments and sights to see. The ways in which we embrace the fun, inspiration, excitement, and beauty this world has to offer.
All the lies we believed about borrowed formulas and proven processes are road maps to something. But I've decided what they lead to are at best generic blue prints for what society has decreed to be "success" and "fulfillment".
Success, to me, is now just another word for "highest self".
Only I can make a list of all that person truly is -- after stripping myself of "others' expectations" to reveal the magic that is "me".
♡ J.S. Jaded Savior
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Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
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