And they painted me with their pain.
They poured gasoline all over my bare body,
An anointment of my dedication to their cause
and a show of loyalty to their emotions.
heavy eyes looking away in shame,
as I'm handed the match.
And we all know what happens
when a match is held too long.
Burning brighter and standing taller,
I rise up with revelations and plum hued glitter falling all around my feet.
Dragons don't diminish from the flame.
They consume it.
Wings stretched out,
I paint the skies with magic.
Transcending pain into power.
And share it all with the world,
PURPLE streaks across the skies of light and love.
J.S. JADED SAVIOR
#awareness #truths #speakup #trauma #survivor #dismissive #abuse #emotionalabuse #rape #triggers #healing
Deny anyone the ability to tear you down.
If you have been through hard shit, you have the absolute right to talk about it or write about it.
YOU HAVE FULL RIGHT TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.
Do not let anyone take that away because they did not see what you experienced, have no "proof" or even knew your abuser.
Do not let your OWN FAMILY dismiss the hardships you have gone through or the abuse you have survived.
Do not let friends or peers shame you for being open and honest with yourself and speaking your truths.
Speaking my truths has saved my life.
I began speaking up about the abuse when I was in 9th grade but it was not until early college that I got vocal and advocated.
In college, I walked around campus PROUD of being a single, young mother. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HARD AND SCARY.
I got involved on campus and I started a club for parenting students. I spoke out in the student government association on campus as a female representative and made the change. THEY INSTALLED CHANGING TABLES IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM OF THE ACTIVITIES CENTER BECAUSE OF ME SPEAKING UP. It was the first one ever installed!!!!
I spoke out about my exs and my parents. About the manipulation and abuse I had endured.
But speaking in person was not nearly as impactful as it is now getting up on Facebook + Instagram + Twitter to SPEAK MY TRUTHS.
I am here to heal.
And in the process, to dismantle the bullshit idea that we are all perfect and whole.
I am broken, but still going on and doing it with a ROAR.
The abusers in my life birthed and raised me.
Soon after I was tossed between abusive lovers and friendships because that is what happens to abuse victims who do not get help.
WHO DO NOT EVEN KNOW THEY ARE A TRAUMA SURVIVOR.
This year, I am going to get LOUDER.
I post pictures of the real me.
And I write stories that are raw, harsh, detailed, uncomfortable, scary, sad, and empowering AF.
It is empowering to finally say "I was raped".
It is freeing to finally say "I was too young. I felt I had no choice."
It is validation to finally testify to my own experiences and not have to line up defense like images of my bruises and dates or times I called the cops and filed a report.
When I was 17, I sued my own parents for neglect and abuse. This was a year after they had abandoned me to a relative and changed the locks on the doors, with no court order or lawful decisions made. Which meant they continued to claim me in taxes and evade child support laws. They abandoned their only child who was a minor. In effect, they also hid their addictions and record of domestic disputes + abusive treatment of me.
I ultimately "lost" the abuse charges because I had "no proof".
Speaking my truths is no longer about proof.
It is about growth.
TRUTHS that set OTHER victims free.
Today I saw a post about a woman speaking her truths and sharing how abusive her childhood was.
SOMEONE who knew the family commented SHAMING her and called her a spoiled brat / liar for the details she told.
This person had never seen how abusive the parents were. So their comment was not only dismissive of the TRUTHS told YEARS LATER but did what most people do who are clueless about how abuse works.
They defended the abuser.
JADED SAVIOR REPRESENTS A WARRIOR OF TRUTHS AND JUSTICE.
Being able to FINALLY speak up will set you free in body, mind, and spirit.
The pain of being silent can kill.
So think about that if you have a story untold.
And think even harder about your actions if you are someone who as dismissed someone else in the past for their truths.
I will never be able to prove my mom emotionally abused me.
I cannot unsee what she did to me and around me.
I will never be able to forget the taunting and attacks.
I have nightmares still of me trying to escape her house.
You now know the face of a victim.
You are looking right at her.
I do not share for pats or attention because "i need the glory" (yes, i have been told that).
I share because empowerment comes from those who felt the most pain and rose up to do something about it.
J.S. Jaded Savior
January 2020: Dismantling toxic beliefs; Building a foundation of authenticity rooted in trust and intuition.
I've had to let go of some major lies that led to self destruction, depression, and a loss of identity.
Going against the grain and standing up for what I believed in was always a natural instinct that I actively suppressed when I felt like my surroundings were not safe.
What that really meant was I was that i was actively perpetuating the toxic environment that kept me caged, without even knowing it because of the distraction of my greatest fears being made true repeatedly.
Now I know that facing rock bottom was a necessary journey that only felt lonely because I was walking away from everything that did not serve me.
New Years felt like an event I bought VIP tickets to, after months of working hard on myself.
Wearing goggles and eagerly grinning as I looked on at the TNT being hooked up to a mountain I had built, boulder by boulder for years, that I discovered was a product of self sabotage and fear.
And as others watched the ball drop on tv with their loves ones, I stood center stage to my own destructive ways being dismantled.
One big boom and it was all gone.
All the shame, sadness, self comparisons and anxiety blasted into a million fragments of what I thought made up my life.
As I stood proud and relieved, ash fell like snowflakes around me. I smiled as the smoke rose up and lifted out of my sight, revealing a huge and empty clearing ahead.
All that mass of hard rock was built on the lies that I was not good enough to succeed. That I was limited. That relationships were what they "were", with no ability to expand or mature. That self hate was a type of characteristic some were just born with and I was a lucky recipient of the gene's that cause both loathing and love, in a battle over which power within me would win over my identity.
As it turns out, love always wins.
This year I vow to love myself entirely.
But love DOES NOT come free.
In order to love ourselves entirely and honor ourselves, we have to lose the stones that burden us with a heaviness that is unnecessary to carry.
That is right. It is unnecessary to carry hatred and fear. To carry self loathing and self sabotage.
It is too heavy to be anything less than what we envision as the full embodiment of love, honesty, and joy.
My new mantra: To keep a clear path, I must unload the burden of feeling not enough and replace it with the pursuit of joy.
I must pursue joy.
Joy is at the center of love.
So how do I become all that is love?
I replace everything that does not validate, encourage, or display joy in my life with what will.
Even though some people will say "you cannot just live in pure bliss" , "life is not all sunshine", "not every experience will be a good one".
People who dismiss joy are just looking at it from a negative lens. People just dismiss what they cannot fathom. Those who dismiss joy believe they are not worthy of receiving it.
I am no longer a willing participant in the dismissal of joy.
I embrace what makes me feel best and allow my true passions to shine by doing so.
Marketing in 2020: Being myself
Work in 2020: Doing what I love
Income strategy in 2020: Speak up about my needs [in all forms]
Networking strategy in 2020: Attract the souls who are on a pursuit of joy and alignment. Break away from those who are not there yet.
Boundaries in 2020:
●Detach from the notion that it is my job to get people from point A to point B, because I'm "an expert".
●Detach from the notion that I have "the one answer" to others problems just because I am a "survivor".
● Detach from the belief that those not [yet] pursuing joy are mine to enlighten.
●Detach from the responsibility of convincing others that my pursuit of joy is a worthy cause
If I want a clear path and an electrifying energy in all that I pursue, I must honor my own needs daily.
As someone with anxiety and depression, who is self aware of the triggers and ticks that deter me, I have an extra motivation to pursue joy.
It is going to take some daily prompting and reminders to keep myself on track, but I am excited to move forward.
I NOW KNOW the very depths of darkness my mind and emotions can take me to -----> so I do not need ANY BODY to justify why pursuing JOY is right for me.
I NOW KNOW the deepest losses and insecurities in their ugliest forms as mere gifts from the universe in paving a clear path.
I NOW KNOW the dynamite needed to blast away the thick mass of negativity and pain was really "belief in myself".
Once I came face to face with my low, love held me through the explosion.
The key principals I want to leave with you are these:
☆ It's okay to dismantle the pieces of you that no longer serve your future self.
☆ It's ok to say goodbye to everything and everyone if it means keeping your own heart intact.
☆ It's ok to set fire to bridges and make a clean break instead of preparing reasons or goodbye speeches to please everyone else.
☆ It's ok to believe in love and joy, while still knowing deeply that you are an intellectual and logical person at the same time. Those traits are not opposing or impossible to embody all at once. INTELLIGENCE IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF EMOTION. RATIONALITY IS NOT THE OPPOSITE OF JOY.
☆ It's ok to adopt NEW beliefs and GROW rapidly. Do not let anyone tell you that a month, week, day or hour is too short for growth ---> heck, a moment of revelation and alignment is POWERFUL AF.
☆ It is not JUST OK but MANDATORY in your pursuit of joy to work in flow and balance. To honor your needs and desires as the leading motivation for all that you do.
☆Your leading motivation in life is not to make money, get rich or get famous. It is to leave a mark in this world. And what better mark to leave than that paved in truth and love.
The road ahead feels easier to travel because I can actually see where I am going.
No more short cuts or promises of a faster route for me.
Joy is not at the end of a race or an X on any map.
It is found in all rest stops along the way. The little moments and sights to see. The ways in which we embrace the fun, inspiration, excitement, and beauty this world has to offer.
All the lies we believed about borrowed formulas and proven processes are road maps to something. But I've decided what they lead to are at best generic blue prints for what society has decreed to be "success" and "fulfillment".
Success, to me, is now just another word for "highest self".
Only I can make a list of all that person truly is -- after stripping myself of "others' expectations" to reveal the magic that is "me".
♡ J.S. Jaded Savior
STOP LIVING YOUR LIFE ON A FERRIS WHEEL.
You have been spinning around doing "ooohs and ahhhs" at the skyline and the pretty lights beyond for what seems like a lifetime already.
But in order to appreciate the sparkle of life up close, you need to get off the damn ride and move forward.
Move. Forward. And outward.
Expansion will never come if you are just a spectator.
I was on the ride for 28 years and then I realized I had signed up for chronic motion sickness + suffering without a hint as to how I ended up that way.
Most of us suffer because we do not see how we perpetuate it.
Do not wait until Jan 1 to get off the ride.
In fact, if you are reading this, here is your Que.
THE RIDE IS OVER.
THE LOOP OF SUFFERING YOU HAVE BEEN ON....
Watching everyone else "succeed" and then thinking that you are just not enough.
That is wrong.
You were wrong.
But it's ok.
You know what you need to do.
It is not stupid.
It is not ridiculous.
Sign off to the notion that your IDEAS are impossible.
That no one else will care.
That you lack the abilities to make it happen.
You have always had what it takes, the tools you need to achieve anything you want.
You just never believed it.
Those twinkling lights and skyline are close enough to touch.
But do me a favor.
Make sure you rise up HIGH.
MAKE SURE YOU CHASE THOSE DREAMS AND THEN YOU SHINE LIKE A MO FO BEACON.
THE GOAL IS NOT JUST TO GET OFF THE WHEEL.
It is to shine so brightly you create the encouragement others need to get off the damn wheel too.
J.S. Jaded Savior
There are a million reasons to leave a toxic situation behind.
But the number one reason for me is I no longer allow myself to participate in anything that does not bring me joy.
I used to half believe it, through narrowed eyes, that life was not meant to always be enjoyed.
"It is what it is", "that is life", "what did you expect?" were some of the phrases used to normalize abuse and neglect, gas lighting and infidelity.
Idk, Frank. I expected people to not be pieces of shit.
And I was some what right in my demand that the world be kind by default.
It should be.
And those who are unkind, have only been painted by trauma.
Red hands and face, thinking the marker was permanent and not wanting to find a remedy, because #whybother.
It became easier for people to just fit a racist, sexist or down right cruel agenda because it is what their families' perpetuated for generations.
It became normal to look the other way when someone is in distress.
It became typical to blame the victim when they had received some kind of abuse from a partner or even a stranger.
Desensitization of trauma, that is what made the world cold.
And gave perpetrators the okay to amp up abuse without fear of repercussions.
In this world, we have gotten used to and even expected no repercussions.
So even though we, adults, lecture incessantly the need to be kind and courteous --- that lesson is void not far down the line when someone awful gets done or witnessed.
When will a real conversation be held around trauma?
This black hole that no one knows how to stop but blindly perpetuate it everywhere.
Between families, businesses, neighborly interactions ---> the conversation never gets held.
We spend so much time on the tv dramas and who wore what dress to the Grammys.
We program our kids to "not get involved in the affair of others" but simultaneously tell them kindness is king.
It is not kind to turn a cheek when a friend gets coerced into drinking and led into a bedroom without either party having to consider the not "fine line" between rape and consent.
It is not kind to hear about a kid at home with an alcoholic father and fearful mother, just to say "well they are adults and there is nothing we can really do about it".
It is not kind to say a girl must know what she got herself into when she is beat up and bullied by her partner constantly.
When the conversation gets had, it is always the wrong one.
We spend all the time saying "what now?"
This society struggles with toxic behaviors because on a global level, we NEVER uphold boundaries.
Heck, we mostly don't even talk about them.
Not loud enough.
Not as a standard.
"To each their own" should never be associated with abuse.
When one hurts, we should all hurt.
Because this is a global issue.
The blind eye to corruption.
The continual perpetuation of immoral misconduct and emotional abuse between partnerships.
Parent and child.
Customer and company.
Toxic behaviors and enabling abuse can be found everywhere.
It would not be "profitable" to work on a cure.
For mental illness.
For social issues.
For discriminating and bullying between races and cultures and religions.
It would not pay a pocket to serve with love.
Ever notice how when someone says "I do this for joy" people roll their eyes and say "so your struggling, huh?"
An artist or creative MUST be starving and struggling.
Because we do not pay well to the inventors, the creators, the teachers.
We only pay the progressives and the healers in ridicule.
While the cold and greedy laugh. Spinning the wheel.
I demand in my lifetime that truths be shared and people link together.
Arm in arm, ready to not be ok with the world being seen as a dark place.
We should think it is really fucked up to dismiss the world for being cruel.
For dismissing the leaders of our nations to be bigots or psychopaths, dictators, or bullies.
We should think it is a really ridiculous and irrational thing to teach OUR CHILDREN that perps deserve more protection UNDER THE LAW THAN VICTIMS DO.
I never ever want to turn to my kid and say, "well, were you wearing a skirt?"
"But did you even try to stop it?"
"Is there any substantial proof other than your alleged honesty?"
Instead, we will be holding conversations like "this is what a healthy relationship looks like." , "this is abuse looks like" , "this is the result of doing things without passion and joy", "this is why we set boundaries", "this is where we draw the line."
I am proud to draw the line OUT LOUD.
I know which side of it I stand on.
Let's change the face of life to a happy one and do things that lead us with love.
Let love be the default.
Let understand and compassion be the compass.
Let life be all about embracing healthy and happy.
Let's make it really fucking clear for the people in the back that healthy means upholding safety, respect, honor, loyalty, courage and JOY.
Let's make our reason to LEAVE abuse be that it should never even happen at all.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Empowering content that inspires and provokes thoughts around healing, personal growth and personal development.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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