I do this thing where I speak to myself without using "if, then" phrases.
I do this because I got tired of having a perpetually negative mindset and dismissive attitude towards all my goals and desires.
I realized that every time I hoped to get something done, I first consulted with my "if, then" assistant. This hired help, dwelling in my head, would weigh in my decisions on being worth trying if it were to bring me some sort of benefit one return.
This hired assistant thought a good way to rationalize my behaviors was by reality checking my "impluses".
But ideas are not synonymous with impulses.
Ideas are built up with creativity, innovation, and passion + a solution to a hindrance or issue.
The thing is, acting is a solution.
Physically, emotionally and mentally moving forward with ideas make us utilize solutions.
Even more so, progress is birthed out of action. Sans perfection, we can perform reoccurring actions that will benefit our lives.
We just so happen to have a name for those reoccurring actions.
Whenever I would get an idea, the hired help inside my head would say "well, if you do this then you will receive this ---> so it's a good idea."
Or, like the voice of reason, she would hear out my idea and say "this decision will not give you anything. No immediate and maybe no long term outcome. No reward. This is not smart."
I fired my hired help the day I realized I hired her based on society's notion of what success really is. I realized most ideas I came up with got dismissed.
Though I call her hired help, because her ideas from the environment seemed sound, what she really acted as was the dismissiveness and ridicule I placed within my own psyche every time I wanted to step out of the box.
Heck, sometimes I dismissed even doing small actions if the action would not present some sort of reward that was a step towards perfecting my formula for success.
The core of the issue was this. What was success? What did it look like? What did it feel like to be successful?
I surely knew what being a failure felt like. What being poor felt like. What being a low energy, depressed bad idea generator felt like.
My ideas were not actually bad either. Logic met emotion and collectively awakened to the fact that my ideas were never bad at all.
In fact, I was a highly creative and passionate individual with endless inspiration and ideas every single day.
So how come every idea got shot down?
I fired my hired help, the thing inside my head that said "instant gratification or bust."
The thing that said "you have to know the outcome before you take a first step".
I inevitably would never get close to success or happiness if I never took chances.
And I could not possibly predict outcomes, like if an email to a company I want to partner with for my blog would take me seriously and say yes.
Like if going out on an adventure, intuitively, one day to see where the day takes me could lead to amazing discoveries and opportunities.
The truth was, playing big felt unsafe because I did not have enough faith that I would succeed in anything.
In fact, I dismissed the simple act of taking action without worrying about the value of what would come out of it as an actual WIN.
Now I know, it is an absolute win to be a person who takes chances.
To write that email, send that letter, show up to that place, ask that question, plan that trip, write that book, read that story, invest in that opportunity, take that class....
Ask that person on a date.
Tell that person you love them.
To play big is to live.
To let the assistant in your head tell you the reward is greater than the act is just horse shit.
It comes from being raised in a corporate and diligent society of people who think money is king and "overachieving" is a label for unhealthy people. Instead of encouraging and supporting the notion that we can just achieve as much as we want to and enjoy the leaps. That playing big CAN be healthy. That joy does not need to be moderated.
It comes from those who think "intuition" is woo and synonymous with lacking proof or logic.
I now know that what makes my heart happy in the moment and allows me to play with my creativity is so rewarding, it is bound to have amazing effects on my life.
Not just an amazing result.
A beautiful process.
I now know life is most beautiful and magical when we revel in the process.
When we leap ALL IN with excitement, faith, and spontaneity.
Do the things.
Fire the assistant in your head.
You know what.
Give her a vacation. Not as an assignment or hiatus. Teach her how to live. Seek joy.
And then bring her back into play as your companion in seeking out opportunities through active leaps of faith.
It is illogical and irrational to "if, then".
The truth is, you have no idea how it will play out.
The way to be logical and rational is to stick to your values.
To make healthy, aligned decisions that allow you to flow with your dreams.
J.S. Jaded Savior
#awareness #truths #speakup #trauma #survivor #dismissive #abuse #emotionalabuse #rape #triggers #healing
Deny anyone the ability to tear you down.
If you have been through hard shit, you have the absolute right to talk about it or write about it.
YOU HAVE FULL RIGHT TO ADVOCATE FOR YOURSELF.
Do not let anyone take that away because they did not see what you experienced, have no "proof" or even knew your abuser.
Do not let your OWN FAMILY dismiss the hardships you have gone through or the abuse you have survived.
Do not let friends or peers shame you for being open and honest with yourself and speaking your truths.
Speaking my truths has saved my life.
I began speaking up about the abuse when I was in 9th grade but it was not until early college that I got vocal and advocated.
In college, I walked around campus PROUD of being a single, young mother. EVEN THOUGH IT WAS HARD AND SCARY.
I got involved on campus and I started a club for parenting students. I spoke out in the student government association on campus as a female representative and made the change. THEY INSTALLED CHANGING TABLES IN THE PUBLIC BATHROOM OF THE ACTIVITIES CENTER BECAUSE OF ME SPEAKING UP. It was the first one ever installed!!!!
I spoke out about my exs and my parents. About the manipulation and abuse I had endured.
But speaking in person was not nearly as impactful as it is now getting up on Facebook + Instagram + Twitter to SPEAK MY TRUTHS.
I am here to heal.
And in the process, to dismantle the bullshit idea that we are all perfect and whole.
I am broken, but still going on and doing it with a ROAR.
The abusers in my life birthed and raised me.
Soon after I was tossed between abusive lovers and friendships because that is what happens to abuse victims who do not get help.
WHO DO NOT EVEN KNOW THEY ARE A TRAUMA SURVIVOR.
This year, I am going to get LOUDER.
I post pictures of the real me.
And I write stories that are raw, harsh, detailed, uncomfortable, scary, sad, and empowering AF.
It is empowering to finally say "I was raped".
It is freeing to finally say "I was too young. I felt I had no choice."
It is validation to finally testify to my own experiences and not have to line up defense like images of my bruises and dates or times I called the cops and filed a report.
When I was 17, I sued my own parents for neglect and abuse. This was a year after they had abandoned me to a relative and changed the locks on the doors, with no court order or lawful decisions made. Which meant they continued to claim me in taxes and evade child support laws. They abandoned their only child who was a minor. In effect, they also hid their addictions and record of domestic disputes + abusive treatment of me.
I ultimately "lost" the abuse charges because I had "no proof".
Speaking my truths is no longer about proof.
It is about growth.
TRUTHS that set OTHER victims free.
Today I saw a post about a woman speaking her truths and sharing how abusive her childhood was.
SOMEONE who knew the family commented SHAMING her and called her a spoiled brat / liar for the details she told.
This person had never seen how abusive the parents were. So their comment was not only dismissive of the TRUTHS told YEARS LATER but did what most people do who are clueless about how abuse works.
They defended the abuser.
JADED SAVIOR REPRESENTS A WARRIOR OF TRUTHS AND JUSTICE.
Being able to FINALLY speak up will set you free in body, mind, and spirit.
The pain of being silent can kill.
So think about that if you have a story untold.
And think even harder about your actions if you are someone who as dismissed someone else in the past for their truths.
I will never be able to prove my mom emotionally abused me.
I cannot unsee what she did to me and around me.
I will never be able to forget the taunting and attacks.
I have nightmares still of me trying to escape her house.
You now know the face of a victim.
You are looking right at her.
I do not share for pats or attention because "i need the glory" (yes, i have been told that).
I share because empowerment comes from those who felt the most pain and rose up to do something about it.
J.S. Jaded Savior
There are a million reasons to leave a toxic situation behind.
But the number one reason for me is I no longer allow myself to participate in anything that does not bring me joy.
I used to half believe it, through narrowed eyes, that life was not meant to always be enjoyed.
"It is what it is", "that is life", "what did you expect?" were some of the phrases used to normalize abuse and neglect, gas lighting and infidelity.
Idk, Frank. I expected people to not be pieces of shit.
And I was some what right in my demand that the world be kind by default.
It should be.
And those who are unkind, have only been painted by trauma.
Red hands and face, thinking the marker was permanent and not wanting to find a remedy, because #whybother.
It became easier for people to just fit a racist, sexist or down right cruel agenda because it is what their families' perpetuated for generations.
It became normal to look the other way when someone is in distress.
It became typical to blame the victim when they had received some kind of abuse from a partner or even a stranger.
Desensitization of trauma, that is what made the world cold.
And gave perpetrators the okay to amp up abuse without fear of repercussions.
In this world, we have gotten used to and even expected no repercussions.
So even though we, adults, lecture incessantly the need to be kind and courteous --- that lesson is void not far down the line when someone awful gets done or witnessed.
When will a real conversation be held around trauma?
This black hole that no one knows how to stop but blindly perpetuate it everywhere.
Between families, businesses, neighborly interactions ---> the conversation never gets held.
We spend so much time on the tv dramas and who wore what dress to the Grammys.
We program our kids to "not get involved in the affair of others" but simultaneously tell them kindness is king.
It is not kind to turn a cheek when a friend gets coerced into drinking and led into a bedroom without either party having to consider the not "fine line" between rape and consent.
It is not kind to hear about a kid at home with an alcoholic father and fearful mother, just to say "well they are adults and there is nothing we can really do about it".
It is not kind to say a girl must know what she got herself into when she is beat up and bullied by her partner constantly.
When the conversation gets had, it is always the wrong one.
We spend all the time saying "what now?"
This society struggles with toxic behaviors because on a global level, we NEVER uphold boundaries.
Heck, we mostly don't even talk about them.
Not loud enough.
Not as a standard.
"To each their own" should never be associated with abuse.
When one hurts, we should all hurt.
Because this is a global issue.
The blind eye to corruption.
The continual perpetuation of immoral misconduct and emotional abuse between partnerships.
Parent and child.
Customer and company.
Toxic behaviors and enabling abuse can be found everywhere.
It would not be "profitable" to work on a cure.
For mental illness.
For social issues.
For discriminating and bullying between races and cultures and religions.
It would not pay a pocket to serve with love.
Ever notice how when someone says "I do this for joy" people roll their eyes and say "so your struggling, huh?"
An artist or creative MUST be starving and struggling.
Because we do not pay well to the inventors, the creators, the teachers.
We only pay the progressives and the healers in ridicule.
While the cold and greedy laugh. Spinning the wheel.
I demand in my lifetime that truths be shared and people link together.
Arm in arm, ready to not be ok with the world being seen as a dark place.
We should think it is really fucked up to dismiss the world for being cruel.
For dismissing the leaders of our nations to be bigots or psychopaths, dictators, or bullies.
We should think it is a really ridiculous and irrational thing to teach OUR CHILDREN that perps deserve more protection UNDER THE LAW THAN VICTIMS DO.
I never ever want to turn to my kid and say, "well, were you wearing a skirt?"
"But did you even try to stop it?"
"Is there any substantial proof other than your alleged honesty?"
Instead, we will be holding conversations like "this is what a healthy relationship looks like." , "this is abuse looks like" , "this is the result of doing things without passion and joy", "this is why we set boundaries", "this is where we draw the line."
I am proud to draw the line OUT LOUD.
I know which side of it I stand on.
Let's change the face of life to a happy one and do things that lead us with love.
Let love be the default.
Let understand and compassion be the compass.
Let life be all about embracing healthy and happy.
Let's make it really fucking clear for the people in the back that healthy means upholding safety, respect, honor, loyalty, courage and JOY.
Let's make our reason to LEAVE abuse be that it should never even happen at all.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Empowering content that inspires and provokes thoughts around healing, personal growth and personal development.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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