J.S. Memoirs
A Collective of memoirs by J.S. about Trauma + Mental Health + Abuse + Healing.
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I do not cry when people around me die or lose it when people leave me. For years I was scared of this non-expression and then realized it was disassociation.
I have been a chronic coping robot for so long, with a calm face and exterior, that it has become difficult to have the right reaction or let out my emotions during a safe time ( or while in a safe space). I have pain in my body and aches that feel unexplainable since I am a young, limber adult with no physical ailments or broken bones/injuries to ever speak of. I did not realize my body stored all the trauma and pain left from abuse within my back, neck, shoulders, and knees. I was never taught how the body contains our emotional pains and insecurities, so I grew up thinking something was seriously wrong with me. Every time I saw a doctor and complained about aches or irritations, I was told my numbers and tests were extremely average and "fine". For X amount of years, every professional I have ever seen has convinced me that light exercise and a healthy diet will provide me with a healthy lifestyle. Not one has looked me in the eyes and said, "You dear have stored trauma and need to heal". How was I ever supposed to know I had problems after leaving my abusers when the only people who saw me all thought I passed as normal? ******************************************************** I have said these things as well as heard them over the years. I had no idea I had PTSD until last year, at 28 years old, when a professional diagnosed me after examination and a session. I knew depression was a thing and that anxiety was a way people "behaved". I "expressed" anxiety characteristics. I did not label myself as PTSD + DEPRESSION + ANXIETY until someone trained saw it all over me and said to me directly, "I can hear it in your voice." And it was not a silly little comment. It blew the lid right off my sealed tight suppression of trauma. I fell headfirst into pulling apart my problems and had to dig deep into my experiences to figure out where it all started. IT was not a difficult dig. The hard part was connecting my past to my present. I had to BECOME aware of my current behaviors and emotions. In the past, I had thought about my experiences as a child and adolescent. When I had "lived with the abuse". I thought leaving at 16 meant I had left abuse. Turns out I received abuse by many people after because I was unaware of the red flags or how susceptible I was to it. NO ONE TELLS YOU THESE THINGS. I passed as normal for everybody. I was outspoken. Confident. Funny. Smiled often. Social. I put myself out there and took chances as an independent young adult. NOTHING pointed to me having problems with abuse. Piled up laundry for days = most adults and almost all college kids, so not weird. Idiot college boyfriend problems = well, every girl around me in a relationship with a peer seemed to have similar issues so that seemed normal too. Struggle to keep up with ALL responsibilities = every college kid, everywhere. Nights of insomnia or days of wanting to sleep mid-day = every college kid everywhere. I totally PASSED AS FINE. I did not know until last year because I had never been around a professional that was Trauma trained. I had talked about my past abuse to other survivors, not on purpose but just in conversating with peers. And not many people could really imagine what it was like, but thought I had "turned out fine". Others thought it was somewhat normal because they had grown up with abuse too. But they did not call it abuse. Just "childhood". These are the reasons now I am thankful for starting a healing journey through holistic and spiritual practices. I am learning for the first time what trauma LOOKS, SOUNDS, and FEELS like. Through this newfound awareness, I am building a new relationship with myself and understanding my personality in a whole new way. It is like I am able to now dissect myself from the trauma. Separate what is "me" from what is "unhealthy" and then DECIDE who I want to be as I heal. That feeling of self-transformation is so powerful and I owe it all to education in trauma. But I also owe it to taking matters into my own hands after being diagnosed. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to SEEK knowledge and then APPLY IT. <3 J.S. Jaded Savior
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#selfproclamations #abuse #trauma #healing #childabuse #attack #PTSD ♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤ Curled up on the couch, a soft fur blanket drapped around my body, fingers laced with my husbands' --- feels like home. We are watching a Netflix original, trying to keep our eyes open past 1am to enjoy our greatest version of a date. Alone time after the three kids go to sleep. Hearts calm and bodies relaxed, enjoying the lack of awareness of day or time. It is winter and no responsibilities are calling our names here in the night. He kisses my cheek and I smile, feeling warm and content as he admires the outline of my silhouette and runs his finger down my nose. There is an intimacy between us that can forever be unmatched. A safety in his touch and the presence of the space he takes up next to me, legs intertwined and feet touching. A feeling builds up in my chest, a quick pick up of breathing and lack of exhales causing me to raise my left hand to my chest, bare beneath the neckline of my shirt collar. My ears are picking up something from the depth beyond the shut wooden door that keeps us time blocked in date night. A thump. A creek. And a sudden shriek of the door POPPING loose and dragging open in the dark. Just as my body sensed its movement, my nerves LEAP with intensified fear. Neck whipping, I turn to my husband and ask him to check if a child is out of bed or if something pushed the latch open. It is silly, but I am frightened. He gets up in serious fashion to explore what is most likely a toddler awaiting retrieval from the baby gated bedroom across from ours. Instead, he meets gaze with a dark, empty hall and turns to me to smile gently for reassurance that everything is ok. I am up behind him already. He shuts the door and tells me that it was nothing. As his body passed mine to return to the couch, I turn back away from the door and it POPS open again. This time, my shaking hand meeting the backside and shoving it shut. I am pale and I can feel the goosebumps rising over my back underneath my silky top. Heart pounding and tears welling up along with the thump, thump, pause. Thump, THUMP, PAUSE --- I am met, chest to chest wit an understanding hug as he holds me. As he repeats, "YOU'RE OK. YOU'RE OK." Hand caressing my back. He knows. --- Unmatched intimacy. He knows. ♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤ PTSD sometimes looks like knowing 5 seconds before it happens. It's feeling the air change. Or an expression alter. It's seeing something there that no one else sees because it happened, just a long time ago. For me, PTSD looks like petite hands pressing a wooden door shut at 2am and making bruises on a strong, thin calf of someone prying the door open in order to reach me. 2am, hair grasped in fist and screams, inaudible, felt in vibrations down my spine. Goosebumps and chills. Fear she will get in. Fear of what happens if I am not strong enough to shut the door. A final slam and standing fast on feet to hold the door shut from inside. Desperately looking around for something to hold it shut, absent of a lock on the cheap brass handle of the eggshell white portal I desperately beg to cease moving. So I tug heavily at the vintage dresser and get the corner to pass the door. I keep pushing and manage to shove a heavy, 9 drawer natural wood IKEA vanity across the right corner of the room. I melt down in front of it and press my body to the drawers. Knobs resting my head and spine between them. PTSD is not remembering how many hours i slept on that hardwood floor that night or what got me into school the next morning. Just knowing I reached an adult I trusted instead of taking my midterm, to shakily pass words I had been waiting to utter for years. "Attacked". My PTSD shows up during normal hours. It does not pencil in meetings with me or request a call. It just comes, unannounced. Like a walk-in for an important meeting. A meeting of timelines. A recollection of truths. As I grow older, gaining understanding of what is happening and learning how to say PTSD in line with my name... I realize the foreign sound of this term only means I have not presently associated with my past. February 2019 was my first real diagnosis with this term. It was not until summer that the pronunciation felt right. Past reminders in current situations. Pre processing of past events. So what does healing look like for someone with PTSD? For me, it is the meeting between past and present in order to map out a healthy future. It means using my senses and my present awareness to assist in honoring boundaries to make the flashes subside and the title "healing" feel attainable. It means I will have the whole body experience of hitting "play" on my life. J.S. Jaded Savior ♡ An excerpt from "STUCK ON PAUSE", an autobiography about living with PTSD, depression, anxiety, trauma, abuse etc. Coming in 2020 ☆  2012 wore a face like hell. A face of a girl whose boyfriend had secret texts from his exs. A face of a girl who cried between classes, alone in a cafeteria in college. A face of a girl who mourned a loss she could not tell anyone about that ached her heart and soul. A face of a girl who felt lost in her purpose + mission in life. She was struck with depression often but did not know its name yet. So she just thought she had shitty outlooks on life. This girl was riding on the aftermath of abuse and picking out people in her life that presented the treatment she had grown up with, but she called it all love. She did not know what love actually looked like or sounded like. Especially when all she heard constantly were the utterances from chronically negative people who thought future planning was pointless because the world was full of disappointments and did not provide joy without a cost. A cost not worth paying. This girl did not think her peaks of happiness and creativity were an answer to any questions she was begging between panic attacks as she planned her next schedule and semester. She did not know creativity was worth something. That people would pay in appreciation and validation, much less money to hear her thoughts. She did not know that calling out an abuser or setting a boundary was a normal behavior. Boundaries were just complaints told on deaf ears. And only b*tches complained. I wish I could have met this girl in 2012. I wish I could have told her that her spirit was actually empowerment and that her urge to read inspiring books would lead to a complete breakdown and reassessment of the things she had ever known. That everything she knew was toxic and her intuitive urges to check those texts came from being around the wrong people, not being the wrong person. I really want to tell her that she was worthy. She was worthy of being someone's first choice. Only choice. She was worthy of that internship she self sabotaged. She was worthy of the twirls and spins she did in dance class, wearing converse in a sea of heels because she could not afford dance shoes. She was worthy of feeling like a good, no a great mom. Because at 21 she was holding keys to her own place and paying all her bills. At 21, while peers complained about their moms calling too often and the toilet paper being crappy at their jobs, this girl was hustling to feed a toddler and taking public bus 6 times a day total to get the little one to and from daycare in between classes and work. This girl had a home she attained on her own and a job she found on her first day of College. This girl was ACTUALLY a go getter who just had anxiety and PTSD. So the tears and overwhelm were totally acceptable. The broken friendships and the takers who she surrounded herself with sometimes were ALSO products of abuse. Because she attracted people who also dealt with hardships in life. And that was not a burden AT ALL. It was actually the start of her future career. An inkling that Social Work and Social Justice might actually be good fits. Or at least her placement between healing and empowerment would be set, with the title "Jaded Savior" on the header of her future plans. J.S. JADED SAVIOR  #selfproclamations #thirdeye #spirituality #mentalhealth #trauma #healing #poverty Reflecting on my trauma has made me realize that I am the entire "package". I'm a freaking gift set. ☆PTSD ☆ANXIETY ☆DEPRESSION ☆PPD Better yet, I'm the gift that keeps on giving. My DNA is unique in that I have not one but 2 bipolar parents with drug addictions and alcoholism. A mom with Wenicke-Korsakoff syndrome. A dad with Schizophrenia. Both dropouts from high school [9th and 10th grade]. Both dropouts from rehab. Both dropouts from parenthood. I was an only child, who got pregnant at 16 and became a single mother before even graduating senior year. 2008, walking in my white robe and tassel, my baby being held by my Aunt in the sea of proud parents on the football field. Most of the mental health issues my parents had came to existence in their teens. But other demons came out to play in their late twenties and thirties. Coinciding parenthood to me and their inevitable divorce. I'm a gift that keeps on giving because I did not give my husband a mother or father in law. No one to badger or judge or overbear him. No need to split holidays or do visits. We don't have to send our kids off on trips or weekends or spoiled afternoons with junk food and total annihilation of moms' and dads' rules. I don't even cry about their absence. I don't want them to be around my children or in my life. Not when I never really had parents at all. I have also disassociated with the awareness of these things. Quite often I am steel faced and stone cold. An appealing trait for the suffering and needy is silent resilience. I'm a gift that keeps on giving when I am quiet about my problems. Because who wants to read about problems on the internet? Who wants to learn about rape or abuse? I have always known the answer to that. -----> Other survivors do. Those who have also scored the perfect DNA recipe for disaster. Those who were born into domestic violence, like me. Those who were born into poverty, like me. Those who were born into drug addiction and alcoholism, like me. Those who were born into broken families, like me. It does not feel like a gift to be different. To only have known trauma growing up. To have compared yourself to "normal people" and wished for a fighting chance to get out of the $hit you had come into this world with. But it is a blessing to know your truths. To intuitively know "right from wrong". To sense and feel and have "knowing" prematurely. To have hypervigilance or what I like to phrase as "seeing the needle in the haystack". You can sense a prick, always. It is a big gift to know how to survive. But it does not mean much if we do not speak it. If we do not take our knowing and strengths into the light to help others through their own struggles. So if you are gift set of mental health issues + toxic relationships + saturated struggles, then use it to better the world. When you talk about it from the point of view of knowing you are a warrior and not a victim, when you gain control of your situation and use your weaknesses as strengths ----> everything changes. This year, turn your pain into power by knowing exactly how you were made for this world. Know yourself entirely. And then expand those gifts out into the world. J.S. Jaded Savior  #christmas #boundaries #holidays #trauma This holiday season, you might be thinking: "God. This year I need to set boundaries" as you catch your breathe and grip for another panic attack. Maybe you just got off the phone with a parent or someone in the family. You have confirmed plans that make you feel uneasy. No. That punch the wind out of you. Maybe you will have to see an Aunt or Uncle who growing up always made you feel pathetic or like a problem. Maybe there will be too many people drinking and being unfiltered or just one drunk relative who pushes everyones buttons but especially pushes yours. Maybe you feel unwelcome and like a stranger even though it's a place you have known most of your life. Or maybe it will all just be hard. -----> The holiday season. It brings anxiety and depression in my stocking. Worried I wont be able to play santa because I dont have enough to give. Worried I will disappoint people or my own kids. Worried when I leave the house because god so much can go wrong. My anxiety goes through the roof when we get in the car and travel through icy roads. As I clutch the passenger seat and close my eyes, I feel sick from the motions and the noises. I feel anxious about being in other peoples houses. I have panicky thoughts like: ■ Did I dress ok? ■ Will my kids behave? ■ Will anyone get drunk? ■ Do I pass as happy? ■ Will anyone notice we couldn't bring much? ■ Will we be able to sneak out early? Of course I hide during the holiday season. I want nothing more than to be in my little room back home. Because so many things trigger me. The loud screams and laughter. Loud bangs or noises from the busy road outside. People swinging their hands around and animated as they speak. Sharp carving knives at the table for the big turkey or brisket. The big, heavy tree filled with glass keepsakes that the kids keep running right up against. The cat that bites and is not afraid to beat someone up on christmas ;) Should I wear shoes or take them off? Will my kids break anything or make too much noise? Will the families clash? Will anyone ask me what I do for a living? Worse...will no one ask me a gosh darn thing? So many things will inevitably trigger me and I will need to visit the bathroom at least 4 times to calm down. FACT: I wear outfits that are super easy/practical to maneuver and I bring an extra outfit in my purse. I'm too afraid il spill something or need to use the bathroom or have a kid RIP my stockings. I'm too afraid the outfit on my body will let me down in some way. Anxiety wraps my body round like a warm, itchy sweater. And I keep saying to myself, "gosh darn, M F boundaries. Make em. Keep em." But then I don't. I let my imploding party of 1 hang tight in my head. I make sure I don't inconvenience anyone else. I make sure I barely eat or touch anything of someone else's. And I've wondered where all of this has come from. Why I'm so "crazy" during this season especially. To be honest, it took until recently to "remember", even though as a woman with PTSD from abuse ---> I'm a walking shutterfly album of my worst times in history. I realized that every year as a CHILD since I could remember, I was made to be seen and not heard. I was made to feel grateful someone even wanted to be around me. Welcome me. My mother made sure I never felt welcome, but instead a burden. If I took a full plate, she would say that could have fed someone else. If I dressed any way, she would tell me things like "you gained a little weight, I see" or "I wish I was as full as you and not so skinny." [I was less than 100 lbs until age 16]. My father did not have much money or anything to give. He made sure to give me experience gifts. Like hanging out late nights at Starbucks or 711 with HIS friends. Til one or two am. Like going to get toys at the hobby store. "You don't mind picking things out now right?" And then pushing me to pick out what he desired to play with or show people he got for me "on Christmas". When I became emancipated from my parents and was staying with family, I felt so out of place and not because of anything ANYONE else did. Everyone was loving and happy to have myself and my daughter around. As a single mom of 17, I felt awkward wherever I went. I didnt want anyone to ask me anything. Not where the dad was.... Not what my plans were... Not what I "do now"... Not any small talk about the weather because they don't actually care what I am up to or how I am getting by. And then there was the year that no one invited me anywhere. At last, I was just on my own. So I took my 6 year old to NYC on Christmas Day but train and we spent the entire day walking in matching red peacoats and fuzzy hats. Being alone for Christmas was the most simple and beautiful experience I ever had. Even though I was in a giant city, in the cold, with little money and no one familiar around me ----> I had zero anxiety that day. I felt in charge and in control. I felt safe while abandoned. ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ All this time, through rediscovering my insecurities and pain points.. I thought I needed to just set boundaries. The real conversation that had to be had was with myself and all about self worth. I never felt worthy enough to make demands. I HAVE ALWAYS VIEWED ME HAVING PREFERENCES AS ME BEING DEMANDING. What a sad thing, to blow out your own desires because you think needing something sets fire to the lessons you learned as a child. That quiet means humble. That subtle means poised. That starving means manners. That uncomfortable means polite. I've had to REPARENT myself as the solution. Boundaries are now looking like LOVING MYSELF. DISCOVERING MYSELF. Finding out what makes me feel GOOD and what makes me feel BAD. Then copy and paste. Copy and paste. Copy and paste. This holiday season, we ironically are not going anywhere. Due to unexpected events [and nothing bad happened] our usual annual plans are canceled. So this time I am going to be sitting with myself, doing some intentional journaling and processing. Im going to flip through my memories and rewrite them. I'm going to redefine myself, honoring my needs. But I'm also going to do the harder thing. I'm going to take anxiety off. And examine what needs to be done by me in order to not wear it so willingly. I'm going to set boundaries with myself and also have open conversations with my partner. For the first time ever actually. Because anxiety is anything but silent. And I've sat quiet for far too long. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior  #christmas #trauma #gifts #guilt #anxiety #healing Receiving gifts has always been a huge source of ANXIETY for me, wrapped up neatly in a bow made of satin ribbon. I grew up around abuse. Abusive parents. Abusive family members. Abusive lovers. Every time I got a gift growing up, from my parents, it was a GUILT gift. My mother would get me a designer bag or clothing when she had a drunk episode that she actually remembered. It was put on a credit card because we couldn't afford things like that. I knew we were in debt and struggling so that GUILT was really multiplied every time a coach or baby phat tag appeared beneath the tissue paper. And my heart would sink. When I started dating, my boyfriend did the same thing. For every girl he slyly flirted with or did something with, I'd get a cute little gift. For our first Valentine's Day, I walked into his living room after school to find a heart balloon and statue for me. I remember as I unwrapped it, he looked awkward and nearly as surprised as I was when I took my gift out. His mom had gotten it for me. From him. Because he asked her to. Because he did not care to. I knew this much later, once he threw every task at her infront of me because those were the things he did not feel like doing. And he would say things like "she doesn't mind and she is so much better at it". The thing was, he was emotionally abusive and lied constantly about everything. He manipulated people into doing things for him because he did not want to do them. Shopping for me and showing me affection were the same in his mind. Both were too minuscule for his attention or time. I had many boyfriends not ever get me anything because they were "too broke" but would get themselves specifically expensive items for holidays or just whenever. Specifically my ex of a few years, whom I dated as a single mother of a little girl, would have me pay for most things even though I was on my own paying for my rent/tuition/books/food/child and he lived at home with his parents. When it came time for gifts, he would also ask his mother for assistance. One holiday i got something so special from him. Something i still have and cherish. The one item I did not smash or sell after he broke my heart. A trinity irish necklace. One I had picked out and PUSHED for months for him to get me. Something I wanted so badly to be done on his will but was finally done because of mine. Gifts and money were never something I idolized also because I was poor. As a baby born into poverty and then a teen mom who went off into poverty while raising a kid myself, I often could not afford to get people things. For my own child, I made gifts. I would even put some birthday gifts into the closet before being opened and give them to her for christmas to spread out the stash from what people got her. But we got by. I got by many years without having to spend a lot. Whenever people I knew, like a boss or a friend, got me gifts I felt SO MUCH GUILT. I would immediately be scanning the things and calculating in my head a guess of what they spent to question if I DESERVED IT. I felt the same exact way about hand me downs though. Anything given to me that was of worth to someone, made me feel like I was not worth receiving it. Mostly I'd end up thinking "now what can I sell or do to equal that value for them?" Or "how can I pay them back." I felt like I owed everyone who gave me anything at all, especially because they really had no idea how much I needed it. I was so afraid to ask for help or tell anyone my needs for so long. I felt that way as a single mother and I still feel that way. I feel shame in needing but I feel even more shame when I get provided for. This is a HUGE BLOCK in my ability to attract money and success. In my ability to be approached by things I need. But I am now only gaining that awareness of how my self worth and anxiety deprived me of so much. I would be at a loss of words too when I got handed an item or food or money by someone. Fumbling over my words in thank yous and trying to hide my embarrassment. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, really. Sometimes I would blurt it out. "Now what can I do for you?" I'd like to say it was out of consideration and kindness as most people took it. But that was anxiety speaking. PLEASE, LET ME MAKE IT EVEN. My nervous brow would wrinkle up and my heart would be pounding. Until I got a response that changed everything. "Be happy in receiving. I just want you to feel joy". Happy? They wanted me to just feel happy? No exchange? No guilt? No shame? No "Sorry I fucked up, here's a gift I didnt even pick out with thought" ---- No "you thought I forgot didn't you? (Because I did but someone else rescued me)." No "I know what I did but I'd rather you picture me as a good person so here is this thing." I realized of course that good people could give me things out of just kindness but I still felt indebted or guilty because of those triggers. Until I pictured someone feeling JOY because they provided me with JOY. And suddenly it made me feel so good. So loved. So cared for. I realized that THIS was what we were supposed to feel when we gave something out to someone. ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ This year I have learned I should express my emotions and gratitude back to the person. That I should let them know when they gave me something what it made me FEEL. NO MATTER WHAT I WAS GIVEN, I JUST FELT PURE JOY AND LOVE. Excitement. Care. And when I would let them know how I feel, it would be bringing them joy that they did that for someone. That was the exchange. The magic of giving and receiving. Joy. I have been trying to do some things different around the holidays since figuring out the problems my anxiety caused. ☆ Instead of worrying I won't have the money to GIVE someone something, I think to myself "I will find a way to give them joy". ☆ Instead of jumping to "this was given out of guilt" I quickly remember how I've set boundaries and removed the people from my life who did bad things. So it is no longer even a rational thought that someone could be treating me wrong. ☆Instead of calculating the value of the thing, to see if I can give back in equal or fair measure ----> I think, "what would bring that person joy?" It no longer matters what the price tag is, if it is an action or experience, or even a hand me down. If it is something someone needed or wanted in their life and it would bring them joy, then it is priceless. ☆Instead of spitting out thank yous like a broken toy, I purposefully say why I am thankful and what the giving has brought to me. What it has made me feel. I want them to know what I am experiencing from their generosity and heart. ☆Instead of allowing frustration and panic into my heart, I allow myself to cry tears of joy and thank the universe out loud for my blessed friends/family. ☆Instead of keeping my needs a secret out of shame, I tell the universe what I need out loud with excitement. I am in need of many things but that should not bring me guilt or shame. People need things. Heck. People want things. ☆Instead of trying to calculate my worth, I tell myself I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy of love and joy. I am worthy of the things I want. I am worthy of the things I need. I am worthy of receiving. ☆Instead of worrying about what people will think of me for telling my truths, I remember that silent sufferers around me feel SEEN when I speak up. So I speak up. I share my feelings, my fears and my desires. And the concept of gifts/giving has grown. From materials and money to emotions and states of mind. I now want to gift out people LOVE AND JOY through my words. Through my validations of experiences they have. I also think it is a gift to have REAL friends who care. Friends who want to give and receive out of love and not status or to show off. It is a gift to have REAL, RAW, AUTHENTIC people in our lives to share our ups and downs with. Our dreams and goals with. Just being in relationships like that are enough without giving anything between one another to show we care. I've made this discovery now that I have beautiful friendships in my life that bring me so much joy. I want nothing more than their friendships. So I cannot believe when I receive gifts or support or help with something. To be so lucky and so cared for by other people is something I am trying to get used to. I am relearning how to give and receive because I was raised in trauma but that does not mean it is all I will ever know. I am replacing anxiety with JOY, as a healing tool for all areas of my life. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ I realize that abundance is a state of mind and I wish to gift everyone the ability to tap into it through believing they are worthy of whatever their heart desires. YOU are worthy of receiving. It does not have to be an uncomfortable thing. In fact, you do not need to search for what to do for them beyond just thinking of how you can pass on the concept of giving JOY to their lives. And you can do something anonymously this Holiday season just to send some joy out into the world. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior
#christmas #joy #holidays #needs #support As I continue writing about the holidays, my triggers, and my fear of joy ---> I realize some deep things about myself and my presence in this world. Journaling + writing on social media have transformed my identity and my personal nature. I had lost myself for quite a few years but since summer, a familiarness has led me to realize I am becoming me. I am becoming whatever "me" I want to be. A writer. An artist. A designer. A public speaker. An influencer. An advocate. A teacher. A leader. What I missed in the past, while walking around like a Jaded Savior, was fulfilling my own needs FIRST before seeking to help others. I needed to fill my own cup first and yet I was hardwired to never even put a drop in my own worth. Abuse made me feel like my needs did not even matter. Being the one to step up and say "I deserve things" was the pivotal moment that shifted my mind. I started off this May with my blog just feeling absolutely broken and weak. Confused about my purpose in life. And suffering hourly with panic attacks. It is now december and while I do not feel like a million bucks, I have grown. And that is PRICELESS. I am managing my panic attacks down to once a day or every other day. I am catching my triggers and walking myself through them. I am cutting away the people and the things that never served me. I am adding what does bring me joy and clarity, positivity, and growth. I am realizing that growth is not linear. That instead, I am expanding. Expanding in spiritual ways as well. I am learning about gifts I have and skills I have that really saved my life since childhood. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. When I am depressed, I am getting off my butt and writing + drawing about the experience. Art and writing are becoming my tools for understanding myself and my struggles. Not as a cure. But as a way to deeper understand myself. My patterns. My cues. And that passion is creating some amazing things. Like my first book I have published on my site, Death & Coffee. A short collection of art, stories, and poems about what depression is like. I have also begun writing my own story. --->All the trauma and the abuse that gave me PTSD, what it is like to be "STUCK ON PAUSE", and what I am doing to come back to the present one day at a time. I have so much planned for the new year and I am so excited to make a difference in peoples lives. This time while changing my own. This year I am going to work hard to get my own apartment [with hubby and kids] that we can call home. So we wont have to stay with anyone and feel like a burden. I am going to create my own business and work from home so I won't have to pay for childcare and have not much left over in a 9 to 5 job outside. I am going to take online courses and certifications in trauma training, holistic nutrition, and spiritual healing methods. This year I am going to pour into myself and share with my readers every step of the way. What it feels like and looks like to heal. To take my health into my own hands. To move beyond my past. And carve an actual future. If someone were to ask me how long it takes to heal, I would tell them it takes as long as you commit to it. And there is no clear line or structure. You just have to start. And tell your step with each step that you are so very worth it. ♡♡♡ By next year, I hope to be abundant in money, in food, in friends, in joy, in peace. I want to be able to provide joy and healing to others. And give back to all the amazing people who are helping me get through the hard times now. I am so grateful for all of you. J.S. Jaded Savior  I'm poor. And I want everyone to know it. Because I know my truths will set me free. I write about it on social media because this might resonate with some of you and validate your life experiences. Since I was born, I was in the poverty line. It did not help that my parents were 20-something undiagnosed mental drug addicts who dropped out in high school [both in 10th]. So we lived in section 8 housing and could barely afford to survive in it. My mom remarried not too long after the divorce, marrying "up" as she put it which meant sort of middle class? Because he had enough with his parents help to buy us a house to live in. But we lived with very little and have to behave like we were poor. That is because my mother did not function well since she was always on something and spiraling. I left my house at 16, after becoming pregnant with a h.s. boyfriend. No one wanted to be in the picture, as a baby could ruin their lives. I retreated to a relatives house to live with them senior year of h.s. in a new place and for the first time learned what it meant to be cared for, both in shelter/needs and emotionally. I moved 3 years later when I finished community college, to move to a University campus. There I was able to get a job and go to classes full time. I qualified for some scholarships and student loans. I spent 4 years total which ended up being $75,000 ish not including those scholarships and such. A debt I still owe but need to defer every year. I met my husband senior year of college and began a relationship that turned into my now little family of 5. Together we ran a business for 4 years that needed tons of upfront investment and left us BROKE. Even after leaping in 100% together, spending my pregnancies working + no maternity breaks. Even after no holidays off besides Thanksgiving and Christmas day [though we still replied to emails]. In the end, for all sorts of reasons, we failed. It failed. This year, we each got into new ventures. We have been living with his family all this time, pleading with the universe for a miracle in our success. Begging for a life purpose + our goals to be achieved. We have adopted all the successful habits, the ones we learned off YouTube. We have become obsessed with our new passions, at the expense of not spending a lot of time together. We talk daily still about our dreams and goals. And we keep ourselves accountable. But still we struggle with debts. No time or money to date. To shop. We can barely cover food but are thankful for that. In the moment, meaning real time, we have NO money to move. But we want to and need to desperately. To have our own space as a family, with our 3 kids. To not have to rely on or live with someone else. Because that is HEALTHY. NORMAL. TRADITION. To meet, fall in love, move in /get engaged, get a pet, get married, get a home, get pregnant, get amazing careers ---> somewhere in that mix to discover what we love to do. I have never made it to the tradition line. My life was chaos from the moment I entered it and I am just lucky to even be alive now. I am lucky my kids were ever born and that I met the great husband I have now. But if we did not have the family we stay with, we would have nothing right now but a few outfits and ...well that is it. No wifi or service so our computers would mean nothing. Our phones would be gone. We would have to apply for social services programs and hope something helps while we find the most available jobs. Most likely just him, so I can be with our kids. You get the picture right? We have money trauma, poverty trauma, are both first generation to attend a college or start a business from scratch. And it is hard each day we know we have to live this way even though our dreams are so big. I do not want to ask my husband to spend any money we do not absolutely need to spend. Any time I can sell old clothes or any belongings, I jar the money. When we go grocery shopping I have tunnel vision to stick to the very cheap and healthiest basics possible to make sure my kids are fed nutritiously. We do not do snacks or juices or water bottles. We literally cannot afford it. We tried to give ourselves each a tiny little allowance just to buy something we like once in a while. A coffee. Or an item we have wanted. Our date time is holding hands on the couch at midnight to watch Netflix. But my kids, they are so happy. In the tiny bedroom they all share, in the small area we have ----> they have no clue what it means to be poor. We do say NO alot. But more in like an "ok, put it on your holiday list" as we both look at eachother with a knod. Right now I'm home with our toddlers while my girl attends public school. We are AGAIN starting up business opportunities after some research, but now in our passions. We know that means our dreams will take a little longer to be achieved. But that is ok...for now. I tell you this because we do not have the Instagram lifestyle so many people see. We do not attend events or go away. No vacations. No fancy parties. No splurges. But life still goes on. We still make do. And teach our kids other values besides owning objects. Like making friends, playing outside, reading free books we get from the library etc. We find ourselves craving things because we feel like everyone has things. We rate our worth often based on traditions. Based on what the neighbors have. My husband doesnt really use social media but I dwell in it. I window shop here, for a lifestyle I hope to someday have. I'm caught between a rock and a hard place here. If I want to have things, it is a bit materialistic, no? If I WANT a modern country home with a rustic appeal. To decorate it head to toe... to be the entertainment home EVERYONE wants to come to. The game night house. The house all 3 kids have slumber parties in. The dream. Its frivolous? Ridiculous? I don't know all the things people say about it. I just know that when a poor person gets told it is GOOD to live like a minimalist anyways, they are ignorantly missing the trauma that comes with NOT BEING ABLE TO have anything. Because it is not a simple choice to become successful. If you are poor, then you know it. The many pieces that move. Daycare. Bill's. Schedules. Hours. I am so supportive of my friends having businesses. But I literally cannot buy any mascara, candles, earrings, or sweaters. I cannot spend that if it means I have to ask my husband to buy less chicken this week. And I cannot join your team if it's a start up cost of 2 weeks groceries. Some MLM reps come on facebook and say joining is the miracle a poor or struggling person needs. And I am not about to question everyones speeches on success. Maybe for some people, it is the answer. But from my POV ----> it is triggering as all fuck to be messaged and provoked about joining teams or making money. To be told it's the answer, when it might not be... its manipulative for me. I am not saying they are trying to be. I am letting you all know that my trauma and my triggers make me feel that way. We are private about the new ventures we are in because of trauma too. Because we have thought somehow bragging or mentioning it will JINX us right back into poverty. I feel it more than my spouse does. That black cloud. That doomed to fail feeling. As I adopt spiritual + manifesting ideas from my Facebook feed ---> I use them with caution. I want to study and predict outcomes. Again, I am triggered and fear nothing will work. "You have to believe it or it will not work." ----> k. Thanks. Brb. I'm going to go let my trauma and anxiety know they need to sit tight and STFU so they do not become the debbie downers at my fullmoon circle. The point is, being low income ---> being below the bracket ----> being unable to afford NY living [ $2000+ apartments, $300+ insurances, $400+ groceries per month.... It is all hard. We have to fight our own fears daily and keep trying. We cannot afford in any way to give up. But we have also had to release the idea of tradition. We have had to let go of the idea of success we held so tight onto that it nearly suffocated our relationship. We have had to adopt survival skills + keep our low levels of optimism appeased by having dream boards and enlightening conversations. I realized lately, as I have gone deeper into my healing from trauma, that my biggest problem is I think Poverty is an antonym of Success. I think that having nothing means being unsuccessful. I also think I currently have nothing. I have also realized how much I have. An actual little family that I made with someone I love. A lot of talent, skills, and ideas. A partner who has the same dreams and goals. A society that now makes it possible [with technology and modern tools] to become self employed, which then means self sufficient. And we do already have freedom. Even though we feel stuck at the moment. What are we stuck in? I have had stability in a partner and got to raise my babies from home in general. Now full time. Something I never had as a teen mom who's baby went into daycare at 5 months old. I have the ability to have success in the "money" sector of this complicated talk. But I already HAVE success in many personal aspects. I have been so blinded and overwhelmed by what was around me ----> by what I was lacking <----- that I did not realize I have a pretty effen amazing list of great things. So I leave you with this. So many people are low class. Struggling. Fronting online. Acting like they have a lot. Showing images that are not even their own. Making websites and insta feeds full of backgrounds of perfection. Using backdrops in their messy home. And shit ---> do what you gotta do. I love aesthetic. I LOVE all the pretty lifestyle things I see every day. BUT I no longer want to count my worth on dreamboards. I want to look in this tiny room, at my babies who are happier than ever. I want to remember, after a childhood of abuse and teen years from hell ---> all of that led me to this abundance I have now. And no mantra taught me more than "Love what you have, not what you want". A lesson I hope to hold onto no matter what comes next in our lives. J.S. Jaded Savior  These are my words. The ones I see when I look at my reflection. Whether I am glaring at my naked stare in the bathroom mirror or peering into my own eyes right before hitting that live button on a facebook video recording. These are the things that terrorize me and keep me in a box, trapped like I am claustrophobic and have no way out. These are the labels, the identities, the limitations I have put on myself. These are the words that have brought me to my knees, screaming at the sky wondering "Why me?!" Why was I born into a family of addicts, who's prerogative was a quick fix that only takes a lifetime to feel? To parents who chose a different dimension and disassociation from parenthood. A mental state that did not even include me in illusion. Why was I loved by cold, callous men who could not sit with me, or sit with me in my feelings? Why was I the odd one out at every table I ever tried to join, even when I arrived early to the party? Why was I shunned from the ones I set my heart down with and believed were my "people"? What was wrong with me every single time I set myself up in race for greatness but only after practicing cool knots on my laces, because creativity comes at the wrong times and running fast was never my thing.... These words have burdened me. And the people who have wrote them, those people were ...well, me. I was a different woman each time I took a sharpie to my skin. Chose to mark myself to remember the occasion, a tattoo to commemorate each failure for the books. I was the one to write other peoples' false perceptions of me on my own body. To allow myself to pick labels that acted like hot acid on every single cut I tried to bandage. Up until now, no matter what I did to cover up these words, wear enough so they would not show -----> every time I stayed in bed under the covers so no one could see me at all. All I really did was avoid healing. These words are very real to me but I now resonate with them in a completely different way. As I uncover each one, as I invite you to see them all, i also invite myself to see what i look like wearing them. I realized this week that I am finding acceptance with these marks ------> because I am finally understanding what each version of past me meant and felt when she wrote them. How hard it was for her to etch each one into my skin, tear stricken and emotionally exhausted. It was a message that I now get LOUD AND CLEAR. Bare them. Show them all. To everyone. Someone in the crowd sits still, yet so unsettled. Someone out there just mustered up all the strength they could, to drag themselves out in the light of day -------> just to lead up to this moment. Just to see your scars and your words. And finally not feel alone at the table. J.S. Jaded Savior .com  |
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TRIGGER WARNING: Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: jadedsaviorblog@gmail.com |
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