J.S. Memoirs
A Collective of memoirs by J.S. about Trauma + Mental Health + Abuse + Healing.
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I have a confession. I HATE the word queen. I have never had a good relationship with my parents. My mother was hardly ever sober and she was my residential parent after the divorce. Sometimes, between blackouts and rage, would come out a fragile voice and tenderness that scared me more than the anger I knew her for. When someone is constantly abusive, tenderness or kindness feels wrong. Unnatural. She would call me Queen. And talk about how how I was her Queen. And I grew up hating it. That fake kindness that would come out to play. It almost felt supernatural when that persona met with me. And that word, it felt foreign. What did it even mean to her? Surely there was not a "human" part of her soul hiding beneath the illness, the anger, the alcohol..... I grew up around girls who had moms that were their best friends. Mine tried attacking me while drunk on the regular. Mine did not talk to me about life or boys or behaviors or habits. Mine did not warn me about the bad people. People like her. Unstable. But calculated. She was not abusive or bullying towards me out of lack of willpower. She knew what she was causing, she would see it in my eyes and my body language. She would gas light and manipulate. Guilt me. Gift me things I didn't want or need, that she charged and we could not afford. Then lay all the stress and problems on me. Many episodes of alcohol and anger went forgotten because she maintained a buzz constantly and then would get so drunk I saw a void in her eyes.  This was my home life for years. 16. Until I became pregnant with my h.s. bf and she kicked me out. Threw me out with nothing. And then changed the locks. The only texts and calls I got thereafter have been incoherent or angry or illegible. I'll never forget when she texted me 5 years later telling me she had a baby cradle and baby items in my bedroom. My childhood bedroom that she was still "cleaning" every season and keeping as is for me to return home. With "baby queen". My daughter. The child she told me to abort. The pregnancy she shamed me and abandoned me with, not minding that a family member on my birth fathers side had to take me in. I never did return. Or so I told myself. For 12 years I disassociated with a memory that I unblocked this summer. After I began my healing journey in May of this year, I began to practice shadow work and sit with myself to unlock deep seeded issues that were giving me nightmares. Every dream was the same. I was an adult, with my daughter being a toddler again, and I was TRAPPED in my childhood bedroom. Trying to figure out how to escape and get my baby girl who she had locked somewhere else in the house. PTSD. Nightmares of my mother trying to kill me slowly with torture and mental games. Nightmares of trying to run and getting out the front door with such elation, only to turn back GREEN faced realizing my toddler was still prisoner inside and I could no longer see a front door. ANXIETY. So I dove into my memories right on my couch. And I journeyed through memories, going back to after the birth of my daughter.  I then remembered a day I went to visit with the baby. And ended up being coehersed into sleeping over with my month old child. I remembered drunk fist fighting at 1 am. I remembered bugs in my bed and dust on the furniture. I remembered breastfeeding my newborn and crying on the floor. Sleeping with her in my arms on hard wood. I remembered calling my aunt [who'd taken me in] the next day to come get me. I remembered stealing my social security card and other documents from her bedroom closet in secret while my aunt distracted her in the living room. These were vital documents so I could as a minor apply for financial aid, a bank account, school, medical insurance, and have proper I.D. for my new life without parents. And I achieved it. I blocked out that memory of sleeping over, of my child crying hard when she held her, of the sleepless night when I heard China breaking and cursing until after 3am. But the worst pain was the mistake I had made right before leaving those doors for good. I had left baby clothing behind that had spit up on it. 8 months later my mother had that clothing in a bag and photographs of it sprawled out in my room along with other baby things I'd never seen before. As evidence. I had brought her and my birth father, who'd abandoned me at 15 to drugs, to court. At 17 years old with a 9 month old baby, I testified against all 3 guardians: my mother, her husband, and my father. And though Ieft with freedom legally from them all, I had a heavy heart. No abuse charges were founded. No proof on my end was substantial enough to hold the case. On their end my mother presented photographs of my room all clean and a full fridge of food [which was never the case], baby items in various places of the room and fresh laundry folded. The pictures were dated and used as valid evidence to prove they supplied a loving, safe home that I was welcome back to with my child any time I wanted. I declined and thankfully, lawfully was not able to be forced. THIS IS NOT THE CASE IN EVERY STATE.  I realized I had blocked those memories because of how painful and shameful it was to have my own parent put me in such a bad position, this time affecting my own child. And i rejected the memory of putting my own baby in danger because I was so upset about it. Our brains are that powerful. We can rewrite, rewire or erase memories all together just to protect ourselves. Until we unlock the memories and suddenly connections are made. And Pandora's box is unleashed. I remembered that my boyfriend during college called me his Queen during a vulnerable moment he had, promising to propose and get an apartment with me. Something I had wanted to have because we were dating for years and I had a child already + a future to plan out. One that would not wait for him. So he pulled out what cards he could to keep me. For another year and a half I believe I stayed, until he left me finally via text announcing his affair with someone else. I realized that QUEEN again meant prisoner. It did not mean royal or special or strong. And it was bestowed upon me by a person close to me who had no intention of keeping me. Instead, I was cut loose and ghosted thereafter. 4 years just gone. Wasted.  We are not supposed to view experiences as wasted or unwanted. We learn best through struggles and overcoming challenges. Overcoming abuse is not a life obstacle. It is a deterrent from living life. It is a prison cell. A nightmare in which you feel trapped over and over again. Even long after you are safe. Starting Jaded Savior blog taught me so much about myself. My spiritual healing journey has taught me, through light and shadow work, that my duality of good and bad qualities come from abuse. That I am inauthentic. Or rather, void of identity and self esteem. How could this have happened? When women call eachother queen on the internet, it is the absolute best compliment. It is a symbol of sisterhood and support. Feminism. Empowerment. Love. When I am called queen, I shrivel. It does not empower me. But that trigger comes from abusers programming me to lose my identity. To create one for me. As it turns out, I have not known myself. The traits I thought were me were symptoms of anxiety and depression. The good news is, I AM NOT MY ANXIETY OR DEPRESSION. I AM NOT TRAUMA. I am also not lost or lacking of identity. Beneath the layers of experiences is who I AM TO BECOME. I once was a JADED SAVIOR. Someone chronically wanting to save everybody but myself. It wasn't until I left abuse through awareness and action that I was able to become something new. Not a Queen. Not a Savior of the Narcissists and Sociopaths. But instead: A path forger. A dark sorter. A light bringer. A writer. A creator. Me. J.S. Jaded Savior  art by lindsayrappgallery.com
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Some days I look in the mirror and as soon as I am about to say: "I am a good person with a good heart" , my mind imposter swoops in and says things like: "No you're not. You manipulate. You pretend to be happy. You pretend to be good. You are the problem." Growing up and living with my mother after the divorce, I was told almost daily how bad I was. I "deserved" and I "earned" whatever I got. I got sent to my room or punished for anything. One time I could not find a dog spoon so I was grounded for 3 months to my room. Right before summer break. I watched everyone else run around outside on the block playing. I was 11. And my mother hid the spoon. Growing up with a narcissist who had mental health issues and addictions made me think I was crazy for "imagining" abuse. It took me years after moving out to justify it. I remember as an adult with 2 kids, having her text me after years acting "calm and normal". She spelled correctly and she was asking me coherent questions like an old "friend" catching up. She even sent a picture to me of "us" from her "wallet" which was an awkward AF pic of me all skinny and pale, with the worst expression on my face. The face of an abused kid. A broken kid. And I remembered there how she would manipulate, taunt, and shove her fingers into my wounds. She would yell to get me crying and then tell me all I do is cry. That babies cry. I now know at 29 that, yes, it was abuse. Yes, she was and IS an addict. Actively still. She was and IS mentally ill without medication or intervention. She was and IS not in my life for those reasons. I made it my boundary this past May to block her out of my life for good. 12 years post moving out. Which I still phrase it as such even though I was thrown out and she changed the locks within that week. I was 16 and pregnant. And "ruining her life". It was ALWAYS my fault. Projection. Gas lighting. Manipulation. Black outs. The rollercoaster of being in a relationship that is volatile and unstable for anyone, but especially a child. I have had to reparent myself and educate my inner child as well as the adult I now am. The adult body I feel trapped in when I stare into the mirror. I cannot believe I am a good person. Not because i think i am actually a liar. But because her voice became louder than my own. Her voice was built on irrationality, addictions, unhealthy expectations, violated boundaries, and chemical altering of each mood she slid smoothly into like a greased up mouse. I have to teach myself the difference. I do have rational thoughts. I am powerful AF. I have survived by making phone calls, doing research, making plans, executing them, creating solutions from nothing. I have always grown on my own account. In my own way. Every hardship ever has been tackled. I have a strong spirit and I KNOW IT. So did she. I have realized over the years that I am hard to contain. I have BIG ENERGY. LOUD OPINIONS. I love to play big when not held back. But I've let abusive people sneak in and hold me back. "Because they needed me." And every need, whether fulfilled or not, was ridiculed. But that was all I knew about "love". How to please and be hurt in return. Now I have tools to accompany my strength. Awareness. Resources. And metaphorical scissors. I am now a woman unbound. No more being held back. And self doubt also holds me back. Irrational fears bind me from being more. I will no longer entertain the notion that I am not good. My truths are being told because so many of you have a voice inside telling you the bullshit that keeps you bound up by trauma. Cut it loose now. It is time. Because now you have the ability to know better. J.S. Jaded Savior  #selfproclamations #abuse #trauma #healing #childabuse #attack #PTSD ♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤ Curled up on the couch, a soft fur blanket drapped around my body, fingers laced with my husbands' --- feels like home. We are watching a Netflix original, trying to keep our eyes open past 1am to enjoy our greatest version of a date. Alone time after the three kids go to sleep. Hearts calm and bodies relaxed, enjoying the lack of awareness of day or time. It is winter and no responsibilities are calling our names here in the night. He kisses my cheek and I smile, feeling warm and content as he admires the outline of my silhouette and runs his finger down my nose. There is an intimacy between us that can forever be unmatched. A safety in his touch and the presence of the space he takes up next to me, legs intertwined and feet touching. A feeling builds up in my chest, a quick pick up of breathing and lack of exhales causing me to raise my left hand to my chest, bare beneath the neckline of my shirt collar. My ears are picking up something from the depth beyond the shut wooden door that keeps us time blocked in date night. A thump. A creek. And a sudden shriek of the door POPPING loose and dragging open in the dark. Just as my body sensed its movement, my nerves LEAP with intensified fear. Neck whipping, I turn to my husband and ask him to check if a child is out of bed or if something pushed the latch open. It is silly, but I am frightened. He gets up in serious fashion to explore what is most likely a toddler awaiting retrieval from the baby gated bedroom across from ours. Instead, he meets gaze with a dark, empty hall and turns to me to smile gently for reassurance that everything is ok. I am up behind him already. He shuts the door and tells me that it was nothing. As his body passed mine to return to the couch, I turn back away from the door and it POPS open again. This time, my shaking hand meeting the backside and shoving it shut. I am pale and I can feel the goosebumps rising over my back underneath my silky top. Heart pounding and tears welling up along with the thump, thump, pause. Thump, THUMP, PAUSE --- I am met, chest to chest wit an understanding hug as he holds me. As he repeats, "YOU'RE OK. YOU'RE OK." Hand caressing my back. He knows. --- Unmatched intimacy. He knows. ♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤♤ PTSD sometimes looks like knowing 5 seconds before it happens. It's feeling the air change. Or an expression alter. It's seeing something there that no one else sees because it happened, just a long time ago. For me, PTSD looks like petite hands pressing a wooden door shut at 2am and making bruises on a strong, thin calf of someone prying the door open in order to reach me. 2am, hair grasped in fist and screams, inaudible, felt in vibrations down my spine. Goosebumps and chills. Fear she will get in. Fear of what happens if I am not strong enough to shut the door. A final slam and standing fast on feet to hold the door shut from inside. Desperately looking around for something to hold it shut, absent of a lock on the cheap brass handle of the eggshell white portal I desperately beg to cease moving. So I tug heavily at the vintage dresser and get the corner to pass the door. I keep pushing and manage to shove a heavy, 9 drawer natural wood IKEA vanity across the right corner of the room. I melt down in front of it and press my body to the drawers. Knobs resting my head and spine between them. PTSD is not remembering how many hours i slept on that hardwood floor that night or what got me into school the next morning. Just knowing I reached an adult I trusted instead of taking my midterm, to shakily pass words I had been waiting to utter for years. "Attacked". My PTSD shows up during normal hours. It does not pencil in meetings with me or request a call. It just comes, unannounced. Like a walk-in for an important meeting. A meeting of timelines. A recollection of truths. As I grow older, gaining understanding of what is happening and learning how to say PTSD in line with my name... I realize the foreign sound of this term only means I have not presently associated with my past. February 2019 was my first real diagnosis with this term. It was not until summer that the pronunciation felt right. Past reminders in current situations. Pre processing of past events. So what does healing look like for someone with PTSD? For me, it is the meeting between past and present in order to map out a healthy future. It means using my senses and my present awareness to assist in honoring boundaries to make the flashes subside and the title "healing" feel attainable. It means I will have the whole body experience of hitting "play" on my life. J.S. Jaded Savior ♡ An excerpt from "STUCK ON PAUSE", an autobiography about living with PTSD, depression, anxiety, trauma, abuse etc. Coming in 2020 ☆  2012 wore a face like hell. A face of a girl whose boyfriend had secret texts from his exs. A face of a girl who cried between classes, alone in a cafeteria in college. A face of a girl who mourned a loss she could not tell anyone about that ached her heart and soul. A face of a girl who felt lost in her purpose + mission in life. She was struck with depression often but did not know its name yet. So she just thought she had shitty outlooks on life. This girl was riding on the aftermath of abuse and picking out people in her life that presented the treatment she had grown up with, but she called it all love. She did not know what love actually looked like or sounded like. Especially when all she heard constantly were the utterances from chronically negative people who thought future planning was pointless because the world was full of disappointments and did not provide joy without a cost. A cost not worth paying. This girl did not think her peaks of happiness and creativity were an answer to any questions she was begging between panic attacks as she planned her next schedule and semester. She did not know creativity was worth something. That people would pay in appreciation and validation, much less money to hear her thoughts. She did not know that calling out an abuser or setting a boundary was a normal behavior. Boundaries were just complaints told on deaf ears. And only b*tches complained. I wish I could have met this girl in 2012. I wish I could have told her that her spirit was actually empowerment and that her urge to read inspiring books would lead to a complete breakdown and reassessment of the things she had ever known. That everything she knew was toxic and her intuitive urges to check those texts came from being around the wrong people, not being the wrong person. I really want to tell her that she was worthy. She was worthy of being someone's first choice. Only choice. She was worthy of that internship she self sabotaged. She was worthy of the twirls and spins she did in dance class, wearing converse in a sea of heels because she could not afford dance shoes. She was worthy of feeling like a good, no a great mom. Because at 21 she was holding keys to her own place and paying all her bills. At 21, while peers complained about their moms calling too often and the toilet paper being crappy at their jobs, this girl was hustling to feed a toddler and taking public bus 6 times a day total to get the little one to and from daycare in between classes and work. This girl had a home she attained on her own and a job she found on her first day of College. This girl was ACTUALLY a go getter who just had anxiety and PTSD. So the tears and overwhelm were totally acceptable. The broken friendships and the takers who she surrounded herself with sometimes were ALSO products of abuse. Because she attracted people who also dealt with hardships in life. And that was not a burden AT ALL. It was actually the start of her future career. An inkling that Social Work and Social Justice might actually be good fits. Or at least her placement between healing and empowerment would be set, with the title "Jaded Savior" on the header of her future plans. J.S. JADED SAVIOR  #selfproclamations #thirdeye #spirituality #mentalhealth #trauma #healing #poverty Reflecting on my trauma has made me realize that I am the entire "package". I'm a freaking gift set. ☆PTSD ☆ANXIETY ☆DEPRESSION ☆PPD Better yet, I'm the gift that keeps on giving. My DNA is unique in that I have not one but 2 bipolar parents with drug addictions and alcoholism. A mom with Wenicke-Korsakoff syndrome. A dad with Schizophrenia. Both dropouts from high school [9th and 10th grade]. Both dropouts from rehab. Both dropouts from parenthood. I was an only child, who got pregnant at 16 and became a single mother before even graduating senior year. 2008, walking in my white robe and tassel, my baby being held by my Aunt in the sea of proud parents on the football field. Most of the mental health issues my parents had came to existence in their teens. But other demons came out to play in their late twenties and thirties. Coinciding parenthood to me and their inevitable divorce. I'm a gift that keeps on giving because I did not give my husband a mother or father in law. No one to badger or judge or overbear him. No need to split holidays or do visits. We don't have to send our kids off on trips or weekends or spoiled afternoons with junk food and total annihilation of moms' and dads' rules. I don't even cry about their absence. I don't want them to be around my children or in my life. Not when I never really had parents at all. I have also disassociated with the awareness of these things. Quite often I am steel faced and stone cold. An appealing trait for the suffering and needy is silent resilience. I'm a gift that keeps on giving when I am quiet about my problems. Because who wants to read about problems on the internet? Who wants to learn about rape or abuse? I have always known the answer to that. -----> Other survivors do. Those who have also scored the perfect DNA recipe for disaster. Those who were born into domestic violence, like me. Those who were born into poverty, like me. Those who were born into drug addiction and alcoholism, like me. Those who were born into broken families, like me. It does not feel like a gift to be different. To only have known trauma growing up. To have compared yourself to "normal people" and wished for a fighting chance to get out of the $hit you had come into this world with. But it is a blessing to know your truths. To intuitively know "right from wrong". To sense and feel and have "knowing" prematurely. To have hypervigilance or what I like to phrase as "seeing the needle in the haystack". You can sense a prick, always. It is a big gift to know how to survive. But it does not mean much if we do not speak it. If we do not take our knowing and strengths into the light to help others through their own struggles. So if you are gift set of mental health issues + toxic relationships + saturated struggles, then use it to better the world. When you talk about it from the point of view of knowing you are a warrior and not a victim, when you gain control of your situation and use your weaknesses as strengths ----> everything changes. This year, turn your pain into power by knowing exactly how you were made for this world. Know yourself entirely. And then expand those gifts out into the world. J.S. Jaded Savior  #christmas #joy #trauma #anxiety #depression #cptsd #healing 12 years ago, I had a 3 week old baby sick with what I feared might be pneumonia. I was 17 years old and on holiday break after giving birth the weekend of Thanksgiving. I lived with my Aunt and Uncle [plus their four little kids + my nana] after being thrown out by my mother at 3 months pregnant that May. I started my whole life from scratch. Changed towns, homes, schools, friends, became single from my 2+ yr h.s. relationship. Left the parents who'd abused me and neglected me for 16 years. In my new High School I was treated HUMANELY. The kids were all nice to me. The teachers were so helpful and accommodating. People looked me in the face and conversed with me about my pregnancy. My own gym teacher asked me to keep a pregnancy diary and log my nutrition as credit. Even though I had no belongings from my parents' house, I had grown out of my size 00 pants and xs tshirts. My body had changed and adapted to my pregnancy coming in at 118 lbs by birth. Which was the healthiest my body had ever been. I was badly malnourished while living with my mother and i had a horrible binge habit + sugar addiction. FUN FACT: The body converts alcohol to sugar, which causes a spike in blood sugar levels. When alcoholics quit drinking, their blood sugar levels drop, and they develop sugar cravings. My mother was an addict and alcoholic since her teen years. By the time I was born, there was no chance of her getting clean safely on her own. She barely cooked but we always had sugary foods in the house as well as a fully stocked globe bar next to her seat in the living room. I am 29 and still have a sugar addiction. I feel sick when I eat sweets and even more sick when I don't. I am majorly addicted to drinking milk every single day, especially late at night. All milk has sugar in it. It took me until this year, when awakening from major disassociation, to realize my sugar cravings were due to my childhood. To realize addiction did pass on to me in an unexpected way. After I had my daughter, holding her felt like my whole world paused every time she stared back up at me. I had FOUGHT to keep her. I had sought out a pregnancy confirmation at Planned Parenthood, via bus I took after school with quarters from my moms coin bucket in the hall closet. I had walked to the hospital clinic in our town to see a doctor for the heartbeat and first sonogram visit. Spoke with a social worker and applied for Medicaid under the precursor that I was now a medically emancipated minor due to carrying a child. I took care of it all discretely and responsibly because that was what I had to do in order to act like an adult. Like a mother. I had worn over sized shirts and unbuttoned by shorts, dove into the bathroom to puke between classes and once during an auditorium presentation for drug safety. I kept that expanding belly and my aching breasts a secret because I was afraid, with good reason, that my child would be taken from me. She was my entire world from the moment I got those pink lines. Because love overpowers fear like the brightest light in the darkest galaxy. So seeing her frail little 6lb body struggling to breathe and coughing felt like a tractor trailer was parked on my chest. We went into the hospital Christmas eve. I watched as SIX NURSES had to hold her body down to get a catheter and IV into her tiny body. While she cried like a tiny little blinded kitten looking for it's mommy. We spent her first Christmas in there, me watching her receive medications intravenous and get breathing treatments. I slept on the chair next to her, which really meant I sat perched watching her chest move up and down all night long. Listening to the emergency room peeps and alerts, watching nurses scuffle around and nervous parents get escorted into little beds and curtain spaces like ours. It turned out to be a bad cold and was treated early enough to not develop into something more serious. Her lungs were clear and the fluids helped her tremendously. At about 5 am, a jingling of bells startled some of us parents and the sound of HO, HO, HO, echoed through the children's wing. Suddenly Santa emerged with 2 elves, carrying a HUGE red sack of beautifully wrapped Christmas gifts. EVERY SINGLE PARENT AND CHILD RECEIVED A WARM HUG OR PAT AND A GIFT. While the older children giggled and squealed at their gifts, I knew my baby would not know anything different. So I asked Santa to take ours back for someone else in need. But he still hugged me and insisted i keep the gifts. ☆ A hand made quilt with stars and a crescent moon that smiled. ☆ A hand knit baby hat and booties. ☆ A talking puppy toy. ☆ A musical baby toy. I wept as I held her presents and watched the nurses care for her in ways I couldn't. And I felt so guilty receiving anything while sitting alone there with my baby. But it was so beautiful that someone had decided to walk around doing this for the parents. It was for us just as much as the kids. Maybe more. I felt like we hadn't deserved anything. I thought things like "she wasn't that sick". "It isn't that bad". "She is taking from others". But what I now know I felt... I felt small. Smaller than her. Too small for joy or tradition. To small for recognition or appreciation. To small for that hug or that giddy excitement to see Santa. I felt like a bad mom because I'd taken her out twice that week and then she was sick. I felt bad because my family I was staying with were a REAL family with a mom + dad and their kids. All preparing for Christmas. All being a normal, married traditional family. While I was a 17 year old abandoned by everyone including the partner I'd made her with. At that time, his mother was MIA and angry about it all. His father had come to see us Christmas eve unexpectedly and with a few gifts. But realizing the baby was sick, decided to drop us and leave us at the hospital children's emergency center. My ex decided to leave us completely. He had shown up at her birth thanks to his father after none of them were involved the entire pregnancy. After no one had helped me with anything. The two guys, father and son, had peaked at my brand new baby and then left. I realize now I felt completely broken. Who was I to be able to care for this baby? To do it all alone? To be an adult already when I was just a kid. I'd been an adult since the first time my mother trashed the kitchen and left to ride some guys motorcycle. I was in second grade. In fact, when I'd gotten beaten up in kindergarten by a boy and stood up for myself ---> I think that was the first time I crossed over the child border and into something else entirely. For 17 years I had been beaten and bullied and abandoned. I felt it was only fitting for me to have a sick baby in the hospital on Christmas. That I deserved it. And she didn't. That guilt did not really leave me for years. My mind just filed the report into a metal cabinet, marked "unfit" in the category "medical". I filled those cabinets in that office for years. I've heard people talk about having a mind mansion. I have a mind office. I've written about it before. And I picture it so vividly, as I now visit it to retrieve old cases and documents. All the dark shadows of my past and the harbored guilt. Those swarming shadows are the keepers of that office. And the reason I feel in the dark often. I feel still this immense "not enoughness". But I'm learning it was just the mistake of a young girl who was not taught any better. Trauma gave me a cool, dry place to store my problems in. But I'm ready to clean house. To clear out all those cabinets and shelves that clutter my mind, body and soul. I have emotional and physical pain because of my experiences. The holidays reveal major triggers for me because I never knew how to process those bad experiences so I just tucked them away. Micromanaged the clean sweep and put myself on autopilot. 12 years I've raised my baby girl and I still struggle with feeling worthy of her. She is my whole world. And now my world has expanded. I have three beautiful babies that daily I cannot believe are mine. That I'm so lucky I have a little family of my own now. And I get to be Santa for them, along with my husband. I have a HUSBAND. And what that means to me, in the person I chose, is I have a best friend to care for this beautiful nest of babies with. Together we get to make NEW memories. I am reminded now that I have always done the best I could. And I was every bit a good mom. Because I never treated my daughter like a biological burden like my mother treated me. I am grateful now that I can wake up Christmas morning with my kids and my partner. Yesterday I just leaped and hugged him really tight mid conversation. He is an anchor to the present. When I spiral with flashbacks or get stuck in a deep emotional gust of self loathing, I quickly reach my arms out for the reminders close to me. I hug my kids or my husband. And I instantly feel my soul + body come back into place. My whole world, centered. I remember that I am HERE in the NOW. And that my memories do not define me. The love and effort I show now DOES. 2019 has made me remember I am a survivor. I have endured so much and still kept getting up. Now it's time for me to Rise. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior.  #christmas #trauma #gifts #guilt #anxiety #healing Receiving gifts has always been a huge source of ANXIETY for me, wrapped up neatly in a bow made of satin ribbon. I grew up around abuse. Abusive parents. Abusive family members. Abusive lovers. Every time I got a gift growing up, from my parents, it was a GUILT gift. My mother would get me a designer bag or clothing when she had a drunk episode that she actually remembered. It was put on a credit card because we couldn't afford things like that. I knew we were in debt and struggling so that GUILT was really multiplied every time a coach or baby phat tag appeared beneath the tissue paper. And my heart would sink. When I started dating, my boyfriend did the same thing. For every girl he slyly flirted with or did something with, I'd get a cute little gift. For our first Valentine's Day, I walked into his living room after school to find a heart balloon and statue for me. I remember as I unwrapped it, he looked awkward and nearly as surprised as I was when I took my gift out. His mom had gotten it for me. From him. Because he asked her to. Because he did not care to. I knew this much later, once he threw every task at her infront of me because those were the things he did not feel like doing. And he would say things like "she doesn't mind and she is so much better at it". The thing was, he was emotionally abusive and lied constantly about everything. He manipulated people into doing things for him because he did not want to do them. Shopping for me and showing me affection were the same in his mind. Both were too minuscule for his attention or time. I had many boyfriends not ever get me anything because they were "too broke" but would get themselves specifically expensive items for holidays or just whenever. Specifically my ex of a few years, whom I dated as a single mother of a little girl, would have me pay for most things even though I was on my own paying for my rent/tuition/books/food/child and he lived at home with his parents. When it came time for gifts, he would also ask his mother for assistance. One holiday i got something so special from him. Something i still have and cherish. The one item I did not smash or sell after he broke my heart. A trinity irish necklace. One I had picked out and PUSHED for months for him to get me. Something I wanted so badly to be done on his will but was finally done because of mine. Gifts and money were never something I idolized also because I was poor. As a baby born into poverty and then a teen mom who went off into poverty while raising a kid myself, I often could not afford to get people things. For my own child, I made gifts. I would even put some birthday gifts into the closet before being opened and give them to her for christmas to spread out the stash from what people got her. But we got by. I got by many years without having to spend a lot. Whenever people I knew, like a boss or a friend, got me gifts I felt SO MUCH GUILT. I would immediately be scanning the things and calculating in my head a guess of what they spent to question if I DESERVED IT. I felt the same exact way about hand me downs though. Anything given to me that was of worth to someone, made me feel like I was not worth receiving it. Mostly I'd end up thinking "now what can I sell or do to equal that value for them?" Or "how can I pay them back." I felt like I owed everyone who gave me anything at all, especially because they really had no idea how much I needed it. I was so afraid to ask for help or tell anyone my needs for so long. I felt that way as a single mother and I still feel that way. I feel shame in needing but I feel even more shame when I get provided for. This is a HUGE BLOCK in my ability to attract money and success. In my ability to be approached by things I need. But I am now only gaining that awareness of how my self worth and anxiety deprived me of so much. I would be at a loss of words too when I got handed an item or food or money by someone. Fumbling over my words in thank yous and trying to hide my embarrassment. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you, really. Sometimes I would blurt it out. "Now what can I do for you?" I'd like to say it was out of consideration and kindness as most people took it. But that was anxiety speaking. PLEASE, LET ME MAKE IT EVEN. My nervous brow would wrinkle up and my heart would be pounding. Until I got a response that changed everything. "Be happy in receiving. I just want you to feel joy". Happy? They wanted me to just feel happy? No exchange? No guilt? No shame? No "Sorry I fucked up, here's a gift I didnt even pick out with thought" ---- No "you thought I forgot didn't you? (Because I did but someone else rescued me)." No "I know what I did but I'd rather you picture me as a good person so here is this thing." I realized of course that good people could give me things out of just kindness but I still felt indebted or guilty because of those triggers. Until I pictured someone feeling JOY because they provided me with JOY. And suddenly it made me feel so good. So loved. So cared for. I realized that THIS was what we were supposed to feel when we gave something out to someone. ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆ This year I have learned I should express my emotions and gratitude back to the person. That I should let them know when they gave me something what it made me FEEL. NO MATTER WHAT I WAS GIVEN, I JUST FELT PURE JOY AND LOVE. Excitement. Care. And when I would let them know how I feel, it would be bringing them joy that they did that for someone. That was the exchange. The magic of giving and receiving. Joy. I have been trying to do some things different around the holidays since figuring out the problems my anxiety caused. ☆ Instead of worrying I won't have the money to GIVE someone something, I think to myself "I will find a way to give them joy". ☆ Instead of jumping to "this was given out of guilt" I quickly remember how I've set boundaries and removed the people from my life who did bad things. So it is no longer even a rational thought that someone could be treating me wrong. ☆Instead of calculating the value of the thing, to see if I can give back in equal or fair measure ----> I think, "what would bring that person joy?" It no longer matters what the price tag is, if it is an action or experience, or even a hand me down. If it is something someone needed or wanted in their life and it would bring them joy, then it is priceless. ☆Instead of spitting out thank yous like a broken toy, I purposefully say why I am thankful and what the giving has brought to me. What it has made me feel. I want them to know what I am experiencing from their generosity and heart. ☆Instead of allowing frustration and panic into my heart, I allow myself to cry tears of joy and thank the universe out loud for my blessed friends/family. ☆Instead of keeping my needs a secret out of shame, I tell the universe what I need out loud with excitement. I am in need of many things but that should not bring me guilt or shame. People need things. Heck. People want things. ☆Instead of trying to calculate my worth, I tell myself I am worthy. I am worthy. I am worthy of love and joy. I am worthy of the things I want. I am worthy of the things I need. I am worthy of receiving. ☆Instead of worrying about what people will think of me for telling my truths, I remember that silent sufferers around me feel SEEN when I speak up. So I speak up. I share my feelings, my fears and my desires. And the concept of gifts/giving has grown. From materials and money to emotions and states of mind. I now want to gift out people LOVE AND JOY through my words. Through my validations of experiences they have. I also think it is a gift to have REAL friends who care. Friends who want to give and receive out of love and not status or to show off. It is a gift to have REAL, RAW, AUTHENTIC people in our lives to share our ups and downs with. Our dreams and goals with. Just being in relationships like that are enough without giving anything between one another to show we care. I've made this discovery now that I have beautiful friendships in my life that bring me so much joy. I want nothing more than their friendships. So I cannot believe when I receive gifts or support or help with something. To be so lucky and so cared for by other people is something I am trying to get used to. I am relearning how to give and receive because I was raised in trauma but that does not mean it is all I will ever know. I am replacing anxiety with JOY, as a healing tool for all areas of my life. ♡♡♡♡♡♡♡ I realize that abundance is a state of mind and I wish to gift everyone the ability to tap into it through believing they are worthy of whatever their heart desires. YOU are worthy of receiving. It does not have to be an uncomfortable thing. In fact, you do not need to search for what to do for them beyond just thinking of how you can pass on the concept of giving JOY to their lives. And you can do something anonymously this Holiday season just to send some joy out into the world. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior
#christmas #joy #breakthecycle #catalyst #triggers #abuse As the year draws to an end and the holidays come in like a rush of excitement and celebration, many families will enjoy abundance of all different means. From comfort food and presents, to comforting family moments and fun traditions made once more. Whether you have a large family or small one, are a single mom or a huge, loving family of 10 including your spouse ----> no matter how filled up your heart and home are this season, you will cherish most the love and joy you feel with one another. That is what kids are to remember most as they grow. 18 Christmases with us until they are grown. I've seen all sorts of ways people have celebrated. From over the TOP cheer to minimalist experience gifts and leisure. From hosting the annual, traditional Christmas party to going away on vacation somewhere fun and sunny during the holiday week. Some people have chosen to skip Christmas all together. Some have gone extremely minimalist. And that is great. Whatever you choose to do during the holiday season, for all the holidays there are, do it with love. Love. Gratitude. Joy. Appreciation. Stripped of all the fluff, the core of celebrations are to celebrate the people in our lives. And the achievements we have. I'd love to change the narrative of holiday celebrations. I'd love to see families sit around talking about their goals in a positive way. Feed positivity and encouragement into one another. Hear about each others experiences and dreams. One thing I have learned as a bystander in other peoples family celebrations for the past decade plus is that families do a whole lot of planning and fluff aligns the holiday but very little interaction with one another. People go all out with food and activities, gifts and decor ---> and the aesthetic of the holidays can be quite spectacular. Holiday movies depict heart warming moments of joy and laughter, in the same whimsical and magical setting of holiday decor and traditions. But as dinner is getting prepared and everyone sits around the home, the small talk passed around is so empty of encouragement for the new year. If your family DOES have deep, emotional, inspirational talks when getting together---> I would love to hear about it in the comments. But what I'm referring to are the many families who's traditions are to numb through dinner, nod and smile through small talk and then make the focal point of the day on gifts. For me, all of your bonds with your families are your gifts. I would have done anything growing up to have REAL parents. Healthy parents. A family void of trauma. In my childhood and adolescent years, I was convinced abuse and trauma were the norms for all. My mission as an adult is to provide my own kids with toxic free holidays and a trauma free lifestyle. Breaking the cycle is the gift that keeps on giving. And many people wonder how they can break the cycle. Break a mold without shattering their relationships. But how does it feel when year after year you feel bullied or discouraged by family? When holidays feel stressful and getting together with family means preparing to be eye rolled and belittled by the people who brought you into this world.... When trauma seeps into the holidays, it looks something like "the drunk uncle", "the overworked mother", "the sit and do nothing father", "the not out and afraid sibling", "the college drop out", "the racist grandpa", "the overbearing and boundary slaying grandma". And we break bread with, laugh with, comply with it all. For the sake of the holidays. For the sake of family. For those of us who experience this, we grit and deal with it right? Just a few hours a year... just a few days a year... The thing is, we are not sure how to change the tone of conversations or the way the evening goes. We have not been taught how to dismantle trauma. I want future generations as well as mine [90s baby] to learn how to and then actively do something during stressful, abusive situations. Beyond that, I want us all to take the power we have and make the holidays something meaningful. To introduce new traditions. New conversations. To sit with our relatives and ask them intriguing questions. To encourage new reading and education. To open up their eyes. Inspire them. I want YOU TO BE THE ONE to open your mouth and say "this is my big dream and I'd like to tell you about it". Not a timid "if you'd listen, I'd like to..." or "I was hoping to tell you something". Not a question. A statement. Holidays are meant for gathering around and celebrating the year. The love in retrospect. The joy of being together. And while you may feel beaten down by past defeats, know that you always have the chance to step in. To take some control and make some new traditions that your younger family members will follow suit in after you have led. Even more so, if you have an abusive or shitty relative, do not be quiet about it. That does not mean you should: ●MAKE A SCENE ●CALL 911 ●SHOUT OR FLIP OUT What it does mean is having a firm statement passed onto them. About their behavior. About how uncool it is. If you need to ask another adult to do so, then do that. But make it known. Trauma survivors often feel TRAPPED during the holidays. Surrounded by people who are borderline or blatantly abusive ---> we tend to FREEZE. Lastly, if you are unfortunately surrounded by abusive family and you have tried or believe it is impossible to make change happen...if you think speaking up will be a danger.. There is a new tradition you need to make. Celebrate your own way. Do something new. Stop showing up. It feels hard and like a betrayal because maybe they are all you have. Or maybe you feel like blood means never giving up. It feels hard because you have tolerated it until now so why quit? It's one day right? Measly hours... The thing is.. healing is a commitment. Leading a healthy and happy life is a commitment. So if you could trade a few hours of painful encounters for doing something that brings you joy ---> DO IT. This is your reminder that HOLIDAYS are not synonymous with abuse. You do not have to be a part of something you don't feel comfortable or safe in. Next, if your family is just "used to" not being very deep or open ----> YOU can change that. If you find yourself being a highly sensitive person or highly emotional person, then you are NOT AN OUTCAST. In many ways, YOU ARE THE CATALYST. You can start with games or conversations that you start with them. And you can teach them how to become open. Comfortable. safe. You would be shocked to know how many of your family members have survived abuse and never told anyone. How many were raised to tolerate things silently. They are not silent to punish you. They are silent to punish themselves. That is what trauma looks like. This holiday season, take control of tradition. Integrate healthy things into the home. Into each others hearts. Teach the children how to have deeper conversation and play games of mindfulness. Teach the children how to engage with the adults on a deeper level. Use your awareness and emotional senses to make impact. Or take It elsewhere for your own well being. You do not have to suffer in your own story. And you can define Merry in a whole new way. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior  #christmas #joy #holidays #needs #support As I continue writing about the holidays, my triggers, and my fear of joy ---> I realize some deep things about myself and my presence in this world. Journaling + writing on social media have transformed my identity and my personal nature. I had lost myself for quite a few years but since summer, a familiarness has led me to realize I am becoming me. I am becoming whatever "me" I want to be. A writer. An artist. A designer. A public speaker. An influencer. An advocate. A teacher. A leader. What I missed in the past, while walking around like a Jaded Savior, was fulfilling my own needs FIRST before seeking to help others. I needed to fill my own cup first and yet I was hardwired to never even put a drop in my own worth. Abuse made me feel like my needs did not even matter. Being the one to step up and say "I deserve things" was the pivotal moment that shifted my mind. I started off this May with my blog just feeling absolutely broken and weak. Confused about my purpose in life. And suffering hourly with panic attacks. It is now december and while I do not feel like a million bucks, I have grown. And that is PRICELESS. I am managing my panic attacks down to once a day or every other day. I am catching my triggers and walking myself through them. I am cutting away the people and the things that never served me. I am adding what does bring me joy and clarity, positivity, and growth. I am realizing that growth is not linear. That instead, I am expanding. Expanding in spiritual ways as well. I am learning about gifts I have and skills I have that really saved my life since childhood. I am becoming comfortable in my own skin. When I am depressed, I am getting off my butt and writing + drawing about the experience. Art and writing are becoming my tools for understanding myself and my struggles. Not as a cure. But as a way to deeper understand myself. My patterns. My cues. And that passion is creating some amazing things. Like my first book I have published on my site, Death & Coffee. A short collection of art, stories, and poems about what depression is like. I have also begun writing my own story. --->All the trauma and the abuse that gave me PTSD, what it is like to be "STUCK ON PAUSE", and what I am doing to come back to the present one day at a time. I have so much planned for the new year and I am so excited to make a difference in peoples lives. This time while changing my own. This year I am going to work hard to get my own apartment [with hubby and kids] that we can call home. So we wont have to stay with anyone and feel like a burden. I am going to create my own business and work from home so I won't have to pay for childcare and have not much left over in a 9 to 5 job outside. I am going to take online courses and certifications in trauma training, holistic nutrition, and spiritual healing methods. This year I am going to pour into myself and share with my readers every step of the way. What it feels like and looks like to heal. To take my health into my own hands. To move beyond my past. And carve an actual future. If someone were to ask me how long it takes to heal, I would tell them it takes as long as you commit to it. And there is no clear line or structure. You just have to start. And tell your step with each step that you are so very worth it. ♡♡♡ By next year, I hope to be abundant in money, in food, in friends, in joy, in peace. I want to be able to provide joy and healing to others. And give back to all the amazing people who are helping me get through the hard times now. I am so grateful for all of you. J.S. Jaded Savior  #christmas #poverty #trauma #equations #joy Your worth is not a mathematical equation to figure out. Yet here I am, a hypocrite with a calculator and a bag of snotty tissues. Just crunching away the numbers. I have been low income since I was born. Born into a marriage of domestic violence, addictions, bad decisions, and poverty. Every year for Christmas, god I have no idea what I ever received. A knocked over tree by Godzilla herself after a wild night of undercooked meat for dinner, the stove top left unattended and my preteen self trying to figure out now to test for carbon monoxide poisoning. A barren womb after the violent loss of 2 babies she had tried for and was unsuccessful in hosting after months of bed rest and nurse visits. Iv drips, barely eating, writhing from the pain of sobriety while carrying children. Christmas meant uncomfortable visits with family and sly remarks about how she had a kid already from the inlaws. About how she used the cleaners obsessively and that's why she suffered a loss. I grew up around trauma. As an only child, I suffered greatly at the hands of abuse because I was the only kid. No one else to blame or fall back on. Not even the dog. Trust me, I'd tried. My company was a tiny square TV that took VHS tapes and a notebook I used to draw in. I was grounded so often to stay in my room, I should have been named rapunzel. I dont know if I ever believed in santa or magic or joy. But I did know a lot of adults tried real hard each year to pull it off for their kids. I knew one day I'd want that to be me. After countless years of losing the battle with my birthday candles and wishing for adoption, I surrendered to the fact that that was my life. We never talked about money and it always seemed like we were strapped for it. No food. Tons of bills. Holiday meant family time. Gratitude. Love. What I learned about love and joy were that they were meant to be had by the people who could afford it. Besides ordering random items from QVC and stocking the bar accordingly each month, Cathy did things that served herself. Whatever santa left under a tree, she wrapped it herself. Whatever her miserable husband left her, was either metaphorically or literally burned. On the tv down stairs i'd see commercials and classic old movies about Christmas. My favorite was Santa Claus is coming to town. I loved watching Chris give the Winter Warlock a toy and his icy heart melting because of the love and joy felt in receiving. Every year, some how, I was able to give my mother some kind of gift. Years later I would discover a box with everything I ever have her in it. Shoved away behind the steve madden's and baby photo albums in the back corner of the closet. I was not sure if I was being treasured or just neatly tucked away, out of sight and out of mind like all her other problems. I knew when I became a mother I would do whatever I can to make Christmas magical. To make holidays and anniversaries and achievements all feel joyful. So when I had my first child at 16, and was shunned by my parents, I knew I had a bargain to keep up. A life of joy and fun. Security and stability. As it seemed, life did not go that way in my twenties. From 17 with a newborn to 25 finishing up college with my little girl by my side. I learned from being out on my own that I had to keep my child away from toxic people and dysfunction. We had to chase joy because it was not free. Sometimes I felt like a failure. Like joy was just unattainable. No matter how hard i worked or how much i saved, it felt like i was just meant to be poor. To make it "worse", i gravitated towards careers and passions that would be rewarding in many ways but in the bank account. Math, again, was not on my side. And I felt torn between wanting a career to help people OR finding something stable just to pay the bills and get by. Still, I knew my worth enough to go to college on my own and make something of myself. My parents had both dropped out in high school. Barely 10th grade before getting into drugs and alcohol. Something that would rob them of their lives and almost mine. When I met my husband, I was just finishing up 6 years total of college and the sum of 2 degrees. I felt so empowered and ready to take on life with my passions. But depression and anxiety began to get the best of me. Everything started to come undone. A horrible breakup. Loss of friends. Doubt in my career choice. The end of my college financial aid. Fear. Insecurities. Regret. And then I met someone. Someone who I felt in my gut was my soulmate. So I took a leap. And that leap turned into 5 years, 2 more babies and marriage. Void of career or passion. The price I paid for changing directions. Instead I learned how to coparent and be a partner. I learned how to have a safe night in bed with someone who wanted to protect me, not be the thing I hid away from. I learned how to have holidays with peace. Calmness. Love. I watched as my heart expanded with each child we welcomed into the world and my expectations grew threw the roof. Now that I finally built a little family of my own, had a best friend to navigate adulthood and life with---> I wanted it to be my soul mission to give them the world. To be their rock, their everything. Their person to call "home". But out came the calculator every single occasion. Crunching numbers on our oh so tiny budget. Now both wearing shackles of shame as we realized the math did not equal the kind of parents we wanted to be. Every Christmas, the theme of giving goes around and everyone feels so thankful for what they have. As low income people, we are so thankful for everything we do have. But looming over our heads constantly are the things we go without. We've been taught, as poor people, not to talk about the poverty. Not to ask for things. Not to go for help. It is not in the words but in the thoughts people have when we speak up. The suffering always do so in silence. As the social media bombardment of photos come in with Christmas wishes, Holiday decor and family photos, we stay scrolling for joy. I scroll for joy. I love to see photography sessions and milestone photos, santa photos and Christmas cards. It may seem silly to people but I feel envious of those. An unhumble trait I picked up in my years of having less. Then there is the comparison cold. As I see and I know and I remember all the commercials for Christmas time shopping. Big trees filled with presents and toys underneath so that Christmas morning the kids feel loved and like their wishes were received. As a single mom I was always so terrified of doing santa letters because I may not be able to give what my kid hoped for. Many years I "helped give ideas" for her list after already shopping. .I was so scared to disappoint her. In movies, Santa came to poor children with oranges in the stockings and toys by the tree. I was so frozen with fear year after year at the chance my kid would feel like the math wasnt adding up and she was not worthy enough for santa. Now that I am married with 3 and we struggle to feed the family + cannot afford to save, that fear has grown. Into the size of an abominable snowman. But recently I remembered something that carried me away in tears as a child. That damn cheechoo train and the winter warlock. His tears brought the resounding message of joy that I clung to for years. Give joy. And hearts will be full. So this year and the last 4 years prior, I have focused on joy. How I could make every season, not just the date, feel GOOD. I wanted to give my kids the excitement of each season because it meant all year felt good and mindful and purposeful. Unlike when I would anticipate the 3 holi - days we left the house to see extended family and my parents would try to pass as normal. Every year I still made the samemistake. I took out income and replaced it with the measure of joy, just to reassemble the equation. To finally have a shot at making myself worthy as a mother. And I felt like I failed each time. With each gift or craft or idea, I felt empty and sad after. Like my kids just KNEW it was not enough. Like I knew I was not enough. This year I gained a beautiful gift. The gift of an awakening. A journey into my own healing from trauma. From abuse. From poverty. Now I am discovering why I always reached for the calculator. I always felt I needed tools to become more. Being me never felt "enough". That affected every single holiday or celebration. Every single birthday wish. Every single absent gift I thought I was too unworthy to receive. I was taught that worth was measured by people who felt unworthy. Sick, addicted, traumatized, irrational people taught me by example that worth is bought. That self love is bought. And that joy is bought. That is just not true. Money does mean something. Being able to give my kids a dream Christmas, like a scene out of Miracle on 34th Street is THE GOAL. I cannot seem to shake that childlike, tear struck face of wonder at the idea of driving up to a dream house that is wrapped in lights and festive decor. That has a wide staircase and open living room with 10 ft tall ceilings and a huge Christmas tree illuminating the house. But this time, I am learning that should have actually written those wish lists. I should have talked out loud about my desires. I should honor them and honor myself. I want my kids to see a brave, strong woman who is not afraid to ask for what she wants. And happily receive it. I want my kids to know joy, feel joy, give joy. Because their childhood was not traumatic. It was filled with magic and spirit and hope. So now instead of just Santa, invoke my spirit and my soul to feel worthy. To be the joy. The smile and the warmth and the love that made my kids' Christmas special every single year. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior  |
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TRIGGER WARNING: Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: jadedsaviorblog@gmail.com |
EMPOWERING MINDS SINCE 2019
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