POVERTY SERIES: 6 of 12

#christmas #joy #holidays #needs #support

As I continue writing about the holidays, my triggers, and my fear of joy ---> I realize some
deep things about myself and my presence in this world.

Journaling + writing on social media have transformed my identity and my personal nature.

I had lost myself for quite a few years but since summer, a familiarness has led me to realize I am becoming me.

I am becoming whatever "me" I want to be.

A writer. An artist. A designer. A public speaker. An influencer. An advocate. A teacher.

A leader.

What I missed in the past, while walking around like a Jaded Savior, was fulfilling my own needs FIRST before seeking to help others.

I needed to fill my own cup first and yet I was hardwired to never even put a drop in my own worth.

Abuse made me feel like my needs did not even matter.

Being the one to step up and say "I deserve things" was the pivotal moment that shifted my mind.

I started off this May with my blog just feeling absolutely broken and weak. Confused about my purpose in life. And suffering hourly with panic attacks.

It is now december and while I do not feel like a million bucks, I have grown.

And that is PRICELESS.

I am managing my panic attacks down to once a day or every other day.

I am catching my triggers and walking myself through them.

I am cutting away the people and the things that never served me.

I am adding what does bring me joy and clarity, positivity, and growth.

I am realizing that growth is not linear.

That instead, I am expanding.

Expanding in spiritual ways as well.

I am learning about gifts I have and skills I have that really saved my life since childhood.

I am becoming comfortable in my own skin.

When I am depressed, I am getting off my butt and writing + drawing about the experience.

Art and writing are becoming my tools for understanding myself and my struggles.

Not as a cure. But as a way to deeper understand myself.

My patterns. My cues.

And that passion is creating some amazing things.

Like my first book I have published on my site, Death & Coffee. A short collection of art, stories, and poems about what depression is like.

I have also begun writing my own story.

--->All the trauma and the abuse that gave me PTSD, what it is like to be "STUCK ON PAUSE", and what I am doing to come back to the present one day at a time.

I have so much planned for the new year and I am so excited to make a difference in peoples lives.

This time while changing my own.

This year I am going to work hard to get my own apartment [with hubby and kids] that we can call home. So we wont have to stay with anyone and feel like a burden.

I am going to create my own business and work from home so I won't have to pay for childcare and have not much left over in a 9 to 5 job outside.

I am going to take online courses and certifications in trauma training, holistic nutrition, and spiritual healing methods.

This year I am going to pour into myself and share with my readers every step of the way.

What it feels like and looks like to heal.

To take my health into my own hands.

To move beyond my past.

And carve an actual future.

If someone were to ask me how long it takes to heal, I would tell them it takes as long as you commit to it. And there is no clear line or structure.

You just have to start.

And tell your step with each step that you are so very worth it.

♡♡♡

By next year, I hope to be abundant in money, in food, in friends, in joy, in peace.

I want to be able to provide joy and healing to others.

And give back to all the amazing people who are helping me get through the hard times now.

I am so grateful for all of you.

J.S. Jaded Savior