December 31st, 2019

#christmas #joy #purpose #rockbottom #depression #trauma #stars

Last New Years + Christmas was the absolute worst. My husband and I both felt so burnt out by life. We both said in unison "this does not feel like Christmas" and did not have a good holiday week at all.

We had just completely lost so much we had built during the 4 years of working together and were home for a few weeks scrambling before Xmas to get our kids a few things. We had no income that month coming in. We were super tight food shopping and in debt from our business. We had nothing to do but sit in our two tiny, side by side bedrooms we live in with our kids and DWELL on all we felt we had "fucked up".

Throughout our entire relationship, from the first few months until then, we had spent working together long hours in his family-owned business. He had chosen a partner with a child so we felt like a family instantly and then doubled in size by our first holiday. I was pregnant 4 months into dating him and gave birth just 2 weeks before Christmas in 2015.

The next two years after that we spent working constantly, as a family of 4 and then 5 when our second son joined the gang.

We got married quickly while pregnant with the second (while feeling in love but very overwhelmed by the lackluster celebration and fast milestones). Everything with us, though we wanted a family and to settle down so badly, felt rushed.

But we made everything work. Year after year we made big plans and did whatever we could to work them out. Both pregnancies, I went to work full time until I was due and then returned with an infant two or three weeks tops back to our office and factory.

By the end of year four, it felt like the roller coaster had finally made its' last, tallest DROP which drove us straight into the tracks.

Last New Years Eve I made a wish.

I wished, through tear-soaked eyes, to never have another holiday feeling the way I did.

I felt so broken and weak. So tired.

I felt like a failure.

6 years I had gone to college and then my plans did not pan out. 4 years I spent with a man I loved dearly, the only person to ever make me feel safe and loved ---> only to feel like I failed him and our vision of happiness.
I had pictured getting married and having babies to be these amazingly planned out events in my life. Void of parents to plan, support, or be there in love through those milestones ---> I OBSESSED over being able to do things "the right way" in order to have SOME control in my life.

In order to not feel like I am just meant for TRAUMA.

Dysfunction.
Disappointment.

One year ago, I felt like such an utter disappointment.

Even though I had 3 healthy and beautiful children to be thankful for ---
Even though I had a loving and supportive husband by my side ---
Even though we had a roof over our heads thanks to his family---
I felt like nothing was enough or the way I had planned it.

The business was supposed to BOOM. We were supposed to BUILD a life. GET an apartment. or rent a HOUSE.
We were supposed to get a dog before babies. I was supposed to make a CAREER happen before multiplying my definition of MOTHERHOOD.

I never held out on the idea of a MAN swooping in to provide all. My girl had been raised to be happy in a one-parent home. To be happy and whole regardless of the size of our family.

But I did end up meeting a man while I was an independent and hard-working College Student.

So when I left school as my term was up, I did not FEEL like I was saved by a KNIGHT.

I actually carried around GUILT and SHAME for hanging up my single mom cape.

For getting pregnant fast. Even falling in love after previous people had just disappointed me.

Last year I cried because I had held onto years of guilt, shame, frustration, fears, and sadness.

I felt like I had let myself down.

But I was wrong.

All I was doing was releasing year's worth of Trauma, disassociation, and anxiety. Because sitting home with my husband last Christmas, though we had just lost everything, it was the calmest my life had ever been.
We had nowhere to "be"' anymore.

We had no clients to meet, no store to open, no people to call.

We had no appointments to drag our babies along to. No networking or events.

We could sleep in if we wanted to.

We could just relax if we wanted to. Not forever. But just for the holidays, before regrouping and figuring out our game plan for the New Year.

We could have used Christmas to just stay silently in the void, the quiet of snowfall and holiday vacation ---when the streets were deserted and the emails were scarce.

Instead, we cursed the days.

We said "I hate everything."

We said "This is the worst thing ever."

And so when the New Year came, I felt like I had to do something to FEEL relevant.

I started a mom blog to write about my experience as a stay at home mom.

Recipes. Toy recommendations. Cleaning without toxins.

And I EFFEN HATED IT.

That was the actual lowest point in our relationship, my parenting journey, and my time as a stay at home 28-year-old --- hiding away in our tiny little bedroom not even wanting to see the family we stay with.

I felt so worthless.

I could barely get myself to write content, and just obsessed with the graphic design + theme of my self hosted website for 4 months.

Self-loathing was gold and monochrome, with brush script font.

Because it was popular.

Because "likes" and "SEO". Because Aesthetic.

I can laugh now, but back then my days of designing were a sign.

I was spiraling.

As a child, I had used art + design for coping when my mom was super drunk and abusive. I hid in my room to draw and escape from the screaming + fighting that took place nightly in my home.

When I dove into art, it was a distraction from pain.

I wish now I had the power to visit my past selves, like the ghost of Christmas past.

To see the old me's and tell them the ways to get off their knees and wipe their tears.

I wish I could trauma train myself as a child to KNOW exactly why I did the things that I did. And rescue myself from all the pain.

It was not until I hit true Rock Bottom that I was able to SEE what I was doing.

What I was really feeling.

I hit a deep depression in May that made getting out of bed difficult. I was crying daily in the bathroom and my kids making any noise went through my head and right down my spine.

I finally decided to talk to my husband and explode all my thoughts + emotions.

All the pent up worries and pain.

My feelings of defeat and my struggle to feel OKAY each day.

I told him I felt guilty about having my blog because it was not what I really wanted.

I did not cook very well, I had no wisdom to impart on my readers about parenthood when my own kids made me cry, and I felt like a horrible wife.

I was having nightmares and insomnia back and forth which caused me to struggle during the day between exhaustion and body aches.

Christmas had sucked but my wish not coming true broke my heart.

I was getting worse, not better.

That month felt really hard. But being honest with him relieved me.

After releasing those emotions, 2 more events happened back to back that I was not prepared for. I cut out my birth parents from any form of contact after being randomly approached by each sending messages. And then a long-time friend did something that made me decide to cut off contact. I realized my boundaries with both situations and I HONORED THEM.

I sat with my feelings and realized that the release was exactly what I needed.

Release of expectations and guilt.

Release of shame and depreciation for the way my life went.

I also decided to stop viewing my struggles as an anchor that was sinking me.

I had the ability to be home with my kids for the first time ever. A supportive husband who was working on something new to help us get back up on our feet.

I was already blogging and had gained so many skills. I had already taken courses and learned how to build websites from our business plus had already invested in a site.

I made a conscious and split-second decision to get up off my @SS and change my life.

It took 2 days after that to build the entire site and write my first few published posts. I released something NEW on my social media feed. Jaded Savior <3

And it was all purple. All me. All "purposeful". Yet...

Unplanned. Unstrategized. Unexpectedly.

My life changed.

Within one month, I had visions of writing a book.

within 3 months I was planning a Podcast.

At the end of 6 months, I planned out a subscription plan for my site.

Just days away, Christmas 2019 is going to be a holiday for the books.

We did not know what the year would bring and were so focused on all that we lost ---- I am most excited to celebrate what we have now gained.

We have each found a career path that we really enjoy and are now following it -- all in.

Though we have to work apart, the distance is allowing us to each work on ourselves and our own health.
I am getting a grip on my mental health and showing gratitude for the amazing opportunities I have had in the last few months.

I would have never had them if I did not take a chance on myself.

It was not until I hit rock bottom that I had the opportunity to Rise.

My wish is different this year.

I now wish to keep focused on my personal growth.

I plan on taking on 365 days of sharing truths + tackling my healing by diving deep into who I am and what I am about.

I no longer want to feel paralyzed and heavy by what I have lost.

This year will be all about dropping the need to play connect the dots.

Having Trauma feels a lot like being in bed with chickenpox.

You FEEL IT all over (I mean everywhere) and you have this urge to take a sharpie and connect the dots.
You draw a line from one dot to another, to another...and soon your body looks like a sky of constellations, lighting up all the pain spots.

I am done with marking myself and feeling nothing but disappointment instead of being in awe of the art.
Of the number of times I have survived and then turned something ugly into something worth looking at.
Not just looking at ---> being absolutely crazy about.

That is how I feel now.

12 months later and I have found my "thing".

I also filled a jar this entire year with little notes marking the highlights that happened. <3 And the moments I felt grateful for.

I cannot wait to sit with my kids and husband in front of our tree on Christmas Day and read the notes out loud.

I am reclaiming my emotions and feelings about myself. "I love everything". I love the abundance that is coming into my life.

The amount of love and support I have now that I exist in my truths and my struggles.

The amount of help I am getting now that I have revealed my needs.

I did not realize this "too late" but right when I needed to.

But I want that to be different for you.

I hope you will hear this sooner, from me.

That you need to sit with yourself --- here in your rock bottom.

And you need to PAUSE to stop your doubts and guilt. I want you to listen not to your head or your emotions, but your heart.

Where does your heart gravitate towards?

What is that THING you do want in your life? That passion or idea that you can faintly hear beneath the cluster of F*cks you feel life has tossed on top of you.

Make today that "pick yourself up and try again" day but this time with something you find yourself in awe of.

Like a constellation of magic and light that calls on us to be MORE.

<3 J.S. Jaded Savior
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