A Collective of memoirs by J.S. about Trauma + Mental Health + Abuse + Healing.
Today I am a ball of emotions.
I had nightmares again and was JOLTED awake after watching one of my kids get hurt by someone in that dream. One if my worst reoccurring dreams.
I rose out of bed to discover I had full body pain and a ringing headache. It was time to get my kids up and ready, to make breakfast and plan for the day. And I just didn't want to do anything.
After everything was taken care of, I decided to take care of myself. In ways I always resisted before.
My in laws took my boys for a little bit and I took a nap. When I woke, I got breakfast and coffee. I took my vitamins. I did some breathing exercises and spoke to myself.
I let myself know it is ok to take a ME day.
No day is a ME day as a stay at home mother of 3, with a husband working in a different part of the state for weeks and mostly just sitting in two small bedrooms each day for entertainment.
Today is a mental health + me day because I am going to talk to myself all day.
I realize some of you might laugh because you are a stay at home mom and talk to yourself all day. Ain't that special right?
For years I talked to myself, through the lens of someone with deep anxiety and depression. And it sounded something like this:
"Don't take another 2 hours to wash the bathroom up when you know it can take 30 minutes."
"Gosh, these kids never listen to me no matter what I ask for or say."
"Again you didn't do your hair. What's it going to take to brush it?"
"The Jean's dont fit again. Might as well wear sweats. Not like I ever go anywhere."
"Stop spending or even looking at money. There is so little of it, you cannot afford to be in charge of it. You don't even work."
"You don't even work. Anything you would do would just pay a daycare and then you will have no time with your kids plus no money. You can't even earn past minimum wage. You have no resume."
"You have no resume. What happened to your dreams? You did nothing."
"You do nothing. Motherhood is not even difficult. It's just a job with no lunch break. Other women do it so well."
"You are not like other women. You have no idea how to be a woman or a wife. Idk why he picked you. You can barely care for yourself."
"I don't want to take care of myself. Not today. Not tomorrow either."
"I just want to be in bed."
"I hate everything."
---------- Ladies. This is not self talk. --------------
This is self sabotage. And I cry as I write this because it needs to come out. I need to tell myself all day today that I am not unworthy.
That I am worthy of love.
That I need to love myself so much. Make up for years of not loving me every time I had a conversation with myself.
Today I am doing things for my blog, as I do every day to be committed. But I am intuitively doing what makes me feel good.
I am also putting together the ways I can use my blog and talents to bring what I want into existence.
I have never done this before.
Take the wheel and say, "Do what makes you happy. Fuel your joy."
I am working on ways to build a new life.
To finally get an apartment or place of our own as a little family of 5 instead of living out of a bedroom, which we cannot even afford right now.
I am rewriting my pain and trauma from the past but also my recent struggles in marriage and parenthood. In entrepreneurship.
I have been learning something so fundamental to this healing and growth.
To stop talking down on myself and treating my intuition like it is an addiction.
I just realized this morning during breakfast with myself that I always treated myself like an addict when I wanted something.
This stems from being raised by mentally ill parents with addictions. It's all I ever saw or knew. Combine that with my needs never being met, my emotions being dismissed and a verbal diagnosis from my parents to me that I was just the worst kid ever.
The worst teen ever.
The worst thing in their lives.
I internalize my own needs as dangerous and destructive because of that good ole "dog and bell" concept you may have been taught in basic psychology.
Jean wants. Jean is bad.
Jean does without. Drought is safe.
I have been in poverty all my life.
I have also had a burning passion for creating and organizing socially impacting projects and movements. I have radical, creative energy inside of me that zings around like a bright orb wanting to release its magic.
And my self doubt used duct tape to patch all the attempts that light made to get out.
Because of abuse and the aftermath of trauma.
I want things because I am human. We all want things.
But my desire to have a home and a healthy family with my husband + kids goes roots deep.
After 28 years of not knowing how to deal with my trauma, year 29 my intuition says "rebuild."
So I am.
I am now following my intuition while I talk myself through it. This sounds like:
"You are so creative. Look what magic you make and how much it is appreciated by others?!"
"You know how to create magic! You always have. Look how beautiful you write and design when you let yourself flow."
"Wanting to be loved by others or enjoying the appreciation others have for you does not make you selfish or conceited. Wanting people to like you to people please v.s. enjoying people liking you for YOU are SO DIFFERENT."
"YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE THINGS YOU WANT."
"USE YOUR CREATIVE ENERGY TO GET WHAT YOU WANT."
"Live like you can get that new life NOW."
I am talking to myself every hour. All day long today. Because I need me. I need to build trust in myself and know my intuition + emotions are the priority. They are a skill and a gift to be able to access.
Listening to your intuition if it says something that you are unsure of or new to does not mean you are self sabotaging your life.
Listening when your intuition says "buy that coffee" and your logic tells you "yeah girl, we totally can" means your body and mind are in sync and you are choosing to do a logical thing out of self love.
I struggled so long with the idea that our logic is the opposite of intuition, because society programs us that way.
Women are told they are too emotional and too needy, that they indulge too much.
We are taught this through abuse as well.
So I am refusing it.
Instead I have asked myself, "What can I do today to fulfill my future needs NOW?"
So I googled. "Housewarming registry."
I am making a registry of all the things I need for the apartment or house we rent for our little family.
I am also compiling a list of my abilities in design and writing, editing, and organizing that people may need from me.
I am going to be offering different skills of mine and in exchange, friends can donate to my blog or choose an item off my registry.
But that is for another day.
Right now I am asking myself, "What do I want my life to be like --- look like ---- smell like?"
"What locations would bring me joy? My family joy?"
"When I walk into my dream place, what do I see?"
----> growing up, I moved many times and never felt at home anywhere. I felt really unsafe living with my mother because of the abuse and what I had to witness.
So all I could come up with is "safe".
I want to live in a safe home.
"Dig harder. Dig deeper. You are safe now. What do you want to make you feel happy?"
And so I sit.
I am building this registry today.
I am sipping a hot beverage.
I am counting my blessings out loud as I listen to a meditation music playlist.
I am calming myself from the inside out.
And I am speaking out foreign words of love and devotion to me.
"I am so worthy of happiness."
"I am so loved by me."
"I deserve joy and excitement."
"My creativity is going to break the cycle."
"My ideas bring healing and comfort to my life."
"My intuition and logic can bring me joy."
"I can trust in myself when my choices are aligned with healthy decisions."
"Being happy IS the goal, not the side effect."
♡ J.S. Jaded Savior
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Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
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