The Gift of Healing

#christmas #joy #magic #mindset #creative #trauma #healing

The gift I chose to give myself this season: healing.

I am choosing to heal this year.

To continue on a journey I started months ago, a perilous task of diving through shadows and fighting through broken memories in order to reclaim my strength.

I have battled depression and anxiety for years and it has been the demon on my shoulder that tried to talk me out of everything I loved or gleamed possible.

I've wanted to be an artist, a writer, a teacher, a social advocate, a social worker, an agent of the social system to rescue and rehabilitate broken people.

I've wanted to be a helper and a hero and a healer.

Someone who makes others feel seen, heard, and honored.

Now I just want to be me.

To show up as myself, with my truths and my knowledge.

To help others as well as help myself.

This year is different because I no longer fancy going in loops of self loathing or despair.

I have reemerged with a deep belief in my ability to grow this time.

But I know it will not happen without help.

So this year, I am going to climb out of poverty and pain by seeking resources.

I am going to try different holistic and spiritual methods of healing for my body, mind and soul.

I am going to do whatever it takes--- bartering, raising funds, earning money through my skills ----> to invest in my own healing.

Because the alternative is greatly paying for it later.

What made me decide I was ready to tackle my struggling mental health and traumatic past?

I cannot take it anymore.

I cannot go another day feeling helpless and like I'm drowning as the triggers all around me keep me there.
I cannot go another day feeling depleted around my kids and spouse. Feeling alone and silent in my pain.
I will not allow myself to bide anymore time.

"Eventually" and "later" are not synonymous with healing.

Neither are my other 5 billion excuses for why I never started before.

"Divine timing" could be a culprit but I remember my coherent resistance and built up fears.

I did not want to PAUSE AND FACE THE TRAUMA.

I did not want to have to think and process experiences like rape, abortion, distortion, and emancipation or what I like to call expulsion.

Abandonment. Rejection. Emotional and physical assaults.

Who wants to do that?

Now I know.

A healthy person does.

This year I elect myself to dive deeper than I ever have and uncover truths I had painted entirely different in order to protect my brain.

And I want to share those experiences with all of you.

As I discover things about trauma and abuse, I want to shed a light on what it was like.

What it still feels like.

This year I am choosing to pour into me.

Because I need it.

If I am ever going to press PLAY and LIVE, I have to do the things that scare me most.
Because I know fear was just another word for bullshit.

And healed is what is shining so brightly at the end of that tunnel.


♡
J.S. Jaded Savior

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