I've never really had "lunch table" anxiety over who to sit with or worried who would like me. In fact, as soon as I began to realize in 9th grade what drama would occur in those situations, I would skip my lunch period to draw / write in an empty classroom or go to visit my favorite English teacher to talk about books, life, and girl things.

I've never bought into classes being more or less than. Instead I watched humans act out in full panic, embarrassment, shame, fear, insecurities, anger, revenge, deceit and other unregulated ---> god awful feelings.

I watched bullies cry hard in the bathroom and realized hurt people hurt people.

I watched popular girls pick apart their closest friends and judge wardrobes while panicking about their own.

I watched closeted gay students act out in defiance or bullying or resort to bashing the gay community out of shame they could not join it.

I watched kids with abusive parents pass as normal at school, even though I was one of them and whole heartedly knew how "not fine" we were.

I watched people call one another sluts for the way they dress, but had sexually abusive partners or were being peer pressured to have sex by their partner.

I watched boys eager to date, so eager they would stomp on friendships just to conquer the girl like a notch on a belt and then toss her to the side for the next conquest.

I watched friendships dissolve over rumors that were started within their own inner circle.

Growing up in trauma made me see the world differently. I spotted out so much abuse and bullying that I could not bare to be around it and I felt extra terrible every time I became involved in it.

When someone bullied me, I thought of how hard they must have had it.

When someone peer pressured or teased me I thought about how badly they wanted to fit in or how bad they wanted to escape the same labels they teased me with.

Hyper-vigilance and empathy were like paint brushes and jars of colors, allowing me to paint the world around me in order to understand it better.

I spent my time absorbing the scenes and then recreating the marks each moment left on others' into the words I now write so easily.

My flow and passion come from a life long observation of human development and painfully creative truths.

J.S. Jaded Savior

If you still genuinely feel like people have bad intentions and you are always coming up with reasons why you cannot trust them, they are lying or their actions are fake ----> you really have to check in with yourself as well.

Whatever triggers you to think someone else or many people [bigger indicator] are for sure up to no good or are just bad, it is showing you where you need to work further on yourself.

I have been friends with and even family members with people who would swear to me how bad people are.

"You know how most people are." Would be the overly used phrase said to me in reply to me saying something happened that sucked or was frustrating.

"Oh you know. The whole world is doomed and a disaster."

I can only picture how elementary school aged me took that nifty piece of advice.

The thing is, everyone who has ever told me that:

☆ People who ask for money are liars and scammers
☆ Dates who are late or busy alot are cheaters or uncommitted
☆ Raises do not really get given to people because bosses do not care
☆ Their mom probably won't like you because...
☆ That person won't like you because....
☆ Girls will never actually be nice to you because....

Because apparently the whole world and every single thing in it is horrible.
I have never drank the poop smoothie. Yup sounds as bad as that is for you.

BIG SHOCKING ANNOUNCEMENT, BUT NOT EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING IS BAD.

And the people who say this to you, they have GUARANTEED, unaddressed trauma.

Like really take a moment and picture your parent or close friend or even partner saying "life sucks" and connect all the sucky things they have experienced to the amount of times they have addressed and healed those things.

Ahhh.
Yes.
No longer balanced, ehh?

We all have these deep seeded ideas because we have been through some shit.

By someone else who was hurt and not healed.

Say it with me. "Hurt people hurt."

And while it is true we have all been through trauma, it is also true that many people are healed.

Many people have chosen to work on themselves and heal. Once they do that, they know how to behave with other people and make healthy decisions. They honor boundaries, have healthy communication and then actively do BETTER.

If you find people around you saying downer sh*t, the only thing going on in reality is that person needs to work through some things.

It is not for you to internalize other people's pain and then call it an experience.

READY FOR THAT?
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
OTHER PEOPLES' PAIN IS NOT SOMETHING FOR YOU TO INTERNALIZE AND CALL AN EXPERIENCE.
☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

And I did not pick this up from a stylish, glossy card or new best selling book, even though knowledge is Queen. [Ok princess awareness is the shit too].

I knew a long time ago that I was not taking anyone's word for anything until I lived it.

Also, I was not going TO TAKE RISKS only if it worked out at the end.

I needed to be happy with my choices knowing they may not work out prior to leaping.

I also had to LEARN WHO WAS GOOD AND WHO WAS BAD BY GAINING AWARENESS of what toxic looked like.

What people who made bad choices constantly looked and sounded like.

Those WERE the people to watch out for.

Luck for me I learned quick because I was raised by them. <--------

BEING RAISED BY MENTALLY ILL PEOPLE WITH ADDICTIONS AND TOXIC, ABUSE BEHAVIORS DID NOT MAKE ME HATE THE WORLD.

In fact, I have so much love and acceptance to give because i know not everyone is bad.

I have known kindness and love from people because I have gotten back out there every single time there was a chance to rebuild.

To grow.

So here is this:
I will never outgrow toxic people if I break bread with them.

I will never meet good people if I sit around listening to people who are not healed.

I will never do anything life changing or positive if I take lessons from people who chose to blow it in their own lives.

And I will not take advice from anyone who wants to blanket the bad experiences they have had with the rest of the human population.

In other words, their pain is their own to heal.

Just like my healing and growth is mine to adopt and prosper with.

♡J.S. Jaded Savior

I do this thing now that helps me out tremendously when I get "flicked by bullshit".
I say "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

Sometimes it is a whisper.
Sometimes, it is a SHOUT.

Someone from my past tries to slip into my DMs, "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

Someone writes something really negative or mean on a post or share of mine, "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

Someone wants to come out and play picking fight with me about literally anything, "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS." [I hate confrontation and think it is a volatile way of expressing a feeling]

I get anxiety over something not done in the house and start to panic: "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

I am talking with my husband, in clear disagreement, and start to feel angry or not heard/seen, so I gear up to fire back: "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

MY KIDS MAKE A HUGE MESS EVEN THOUGH I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY CLEANING AND SORTING. I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT OVER THE MESS. "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

The point is, I have to do this constantly.

Instead of:
☆ losing my shit
☆ getting pains in my chest
☆ hysterically crying
☆ yelling
☆ hitting a low mood
☆ getting panic attacks
☆ saying things I will regret

I have had toxic ways of reacting. I was raised by emotionally abusive and manipulative people. And loved + lived with similar traits before. I have even had some explosive traits.

Because we are a sum of what we surround ourselves with.

I now refuse to participate.

I never knew I could do that before.
Not sign up for the party.

Not take part in a fight or triggering event that would normally break me, but instead go take space to calm down and explore my emotions to find out why I feel what I do.

Not say things out of regret or defensiveness, but instead taking space to think and process.
This process aids in regulating my emotions.

I actively pull myself out of a moment that I do not like.

This also means big changes had to come in my relationships and what I surround myself with.

I had to honor everything in my space and life as healthy for me. Whatever was not, had to go.

I have had to declutter every corner of my life.

And it feels so....
GOOD.

From now on, even if I need to scream it and run away like a weirdo, I am keeping with my mantra. "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS!!!!!"

I AM NOT

☆ PARTICIPATING IN ANYTHING THAT IS FLUNG, CATAPULTED, OR SNUCK INTO MY SPACE TO HURT ME.

Nope. I won't.
Not doing it.

The only principal I live by now is, "does it bring me joy?" And if the box checks off, i say "thank you for this."

I tell the universe, hands intertwined and chills throughout my body, that I am so thankful for the good. "Yes. This. Thank you."

Because I am my own boss now, thanks.

J.S. Jaded Savior