Trauma + Healing Stories
Empowerment + Validation + Support for Trauma Survivors, one story at a time.
Tonight, sitting in the bathroom and writing inside the tiniest binder I have ever found, I am setting some intentions for my personal growth and healing journey.
I am writing to the Universe and speaking my truths. ♡
I have decluttered and organized mine and my spouses little bedroom + our kids little bedroom to show love and appreciation for it.
After almost 5 years living in my in laws place for help while we struggled, showing frustration and circling in my small space like a stressed out tigress ----> I have finally surrendered to this space.
Instead of letting my depression paint these walls and the caving in of unintentional space being taken up sink me further ----> I have utilized the rebirthing energy I have had all day long to RECLAIM THIS SPACE.
Tonight I am thankful for the JOURNEY and I am telling it this was all great for my growth but I am ready for MORE.
I gave my three kids who share their little room a bunch of space and organization now to sit and play with intention, to display their art, and appreciate the fact that they share it all with love and joy.
It is hard to feel JOY when you do not feel like you can BREATHE in your space.
I have never known what it feels like to have a HOME of my own.
I never went to bed feeling safe in my bed or like it was a place I could miss.
I've always been ready to roam, no weights on my ankles or reason to hold myself back.
I write in this little book my complete desire for HOME.
A HOME FOR MY FAMILY.
A HOME FOR MY PASSIONS.
A HOME FOR MY HEART.
I cannot wait to speak unto the Universe for my biggest dreams and goals, without fears that my ink spilled in waste.
I am ready to receive as well as believe I am worthy of more.
My bookshelf is now only filled with the books that will bring my future closer to me.
An alter space has now been created with my favorite photos + mantras + the start of my crystal collection and my money jar.
I have wishes in tiny corked bottles and a magical little purple bag with stars that holds other intentions and wishes.
I am stepping into my power as I finish off 2019 and it feels so good.
Like a door is closing and I'm now looking forward on a path paved just for me.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Your progress is not the sum of everyone else's support.
If you want to grow + expand your mindset and do something, you just have to do it and with your own motivation.
Your motivation can be seen as rock bottom. It might be that you never again want to be or feel alone. Or the way that you just did.
It could be the FINAL disappointment you faced and consciously decided no MORE of that.
Motivation does not have to be pretty.
And guess what?
Some people's reactions wont be pretty either.
What it has taken for you to change your life around, ONLY YOU KNOW.
YOU are the creator of your own LIFE story.
And whatever it takes to write a better future---> as long as it is healthy and wise ---> DO IT.
ONLY NON SUPPORTERS WILL SHOW UP TO SHADOW YOUR HAPPINESS.
And you do not need them anyways.
IF YOU ARE THINKING:
■ I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY TO CHANGE
■ I DON'T HAVE THE TIME TO CHANGE
■ I DON'T HAVE THE RESOURCES TO CHANGE
Know that the only thing going on right now is your fear is trying to talk you down.
Anxiety and depression are fighting for the SOAP BOX to tell you that your story has already been written "and it's a tragic one".
That is not true.
It is not logical.
Here's a thought that is though.
If you show up, you are bound to change.
AND SHOWING UP IS FREE.
NO ENTRY TICKET.
NO DOOR CHARGE.
If you show up for progress, you not only have a free pass but you get to choose what you take with you beyond the door.
BONUS DEAL, not everything is going to fit so you will need to travel light.
BUT WAIT, THERE'S MORE....
Whatever does not fit in your life simply will be too heavy to carry on your journey.
And there is no time on your ticket.
You can SHOW UP whenever you want to.
Even if it is someone else's birthday or a holiday or mid breakup or a call to get away during a time others needed you.
You earned this ticket.
Any damn time you feel like accessing it.
I decided I need to be better.
Even though I'm poor.
Even though I have depression, anxiety and CPTSD.
Even though I don't have a set career.
Even though I don't have my own place to live.
Even though it's a Friday and a random time in the year.
EVEN THOUGH MY ANXIETY TELLS ME I HAVE TO START ON THE "FIRST OF THE MONTH" IN MY PLANNER OR ELSE IT WON'T COUNT AND I WILL FAIL LIKE I ALWAYS DO.
Anxiety is kind of a c*nt.
I need money to change, but not alot.
In the reality of reality, if I ask for donations in order to help me grow ----> a simple dollar donation from someone will get me [say it with me] ONE DOLLAR CLOSER TO THE HELP I NEED].
EXPANSION AND FEARS ARE ANTONYMS HERE.
You have to strip yourself of shame, worry, and what ifs.
ANXIETY IS NOT CONSIDERED CARRY ON.
So understand this.
You CAN. NO. YOU WILL FIND THE ANSWERS, SO LONG AS YOU START ASKING THE QUESTIONS.
So... do the work.
Ask for help.
Research your options.
Type in "free resources for .....".
Email a non -profit Organization that works with Trauma + Mental Health + Education + Transformation.
Whatever your unhealthy or undesirable struggles are ----> an answer awaits you.
The solution is just to SHOW UP.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick.
Louder I follow the beat, one tick at a time with slow breathes to calm my chest.
I am not calm yet but I am now centered.
It is 11:11 and the third panic attack of the morning has set in. But here I am, ankles crossed and legs bare on the bathroom tile.
Leaning my weight against the wall, nestled in the nook between shower and door.
This is my place of solitude, here in the bathing room -----> where my thoughts bounce around and come to a halt as they ricochet off mattress walls to ease my anxiety down.
My trauma does not reach me here very often, so this is where I go to find peace.
I never did do well with meditation music or counselors voices.
Between the irritating tones and sound waves of relaxation that everyone else seems to enjoy, I would hear nails to a chalkboard and a condescending tone.
PTSD makes it hard for me to remember things in order.
My mind is often like a jigsaw and I have to unscramble the 4000 plum pieces to decipher where my feelings come from.
I could get lost in a 3 hour roam around target, not for the pretty dresses or cutlery sets ----> but the way my mind loses track of time all together in wide open spaces.
Nothing brought more chaos and pleasure than walking aimlessly around malls when I had deep anxiety and depression.
The fact that I had no real direction or thing to drive home with felt synonymous with my swinging moods.
And the sea of strangers that scattered about made me feel like I was not alone, while at the same time providing no single intimate moment where I would have to dig up a boundary or conquer a trigger.
Time was a weird thing.
Perhaps because I was never allowed to own time, being told where to be indefinitely ---> and that was usually my room.
It could have been minutes or hours, or months, of solitude from evening til morning every day that kept me blinded to the clock.
Lack of play dates or outings unless I was locked out on purpose.
And in those times when I fell into the wind, I had everywhere and nowhere to be til whatever time.
How much does time really matter when your personality is stifled down by trauma?
When day after day after year, you only know that the abuse is timely?
The one consistent tick is the utter dissatisfaction your parent has with your existence...
When you have PTSD you evade time in ways others just don't understand.
In one moment, you are there just staring beyond the dinner plate ---> and in the next blink, you are a 10 year old with nails tightly gripping your thighs and tears streaming down your face as the THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. THUMP. Of the stomping feet and the furniture crashing down to the ground startle you.
And in the next, you hear a voice that is no longer familiar but very much real. Telling you that you are ungrateful and unworthy of the things that you have. That you did nothing to earn them and you should have it all taken away.
Right back into sipping your water and shakily chewing your chicken, taking extra small bites as to not need seconds.
PTSD can be really subtle, this time traveling between moments and emotions.
It can present itself as calmness, being collected or just sleepy. It can look like a smirk and kind eyes, with a tight grip on the thighs under the table where no one can see.
PTSD makes it hard to wear a watch.
In fact, I always hated them.
Hated schedules and deadlines and calendars, without a clear reason why.
So I recently made a decision, against every fiber of my being, to use a gift card and buy a watch.
I consciously made the decision to step into the present.
I decided, in 2020, I want to master time.
Somehow, listening to the Tick. Tick. Tick. Tick. has become therapeutic from the moment I first wrapped the silicone band around my wrist and pulled the tab off pause.
Now when I feel like my mind is about to leave, I focus on the ticks and all other noises just fall away.
Like a metronome.
I picture a heaviness in my wrist that anchors me to the present, and travels like a warmth through my veins within my entire body.
Hot lead, filling me up and telling me it is safe to stay.
J.S. Jaded Savior
On December 11th I wrote a text to the Universe [and my email address]. I asked for specific blessings of the things my heart wanted.
Since that afternoon, with tears of anxiety and fear in my eyes, I have anxiously repeated my list. Not because I was dying to receive objects.....
Because I was dying to be heard.
By myself. By others. By the universal energy that provides.
And I've learned something since that you may find quite valuable.
I did not receive any of it without first asking.
First I knocked on the universe's door.
Then I began writing intuitively each day.
Pouring my heart out and sharing my vulnerability without criticizing myself for my:
I decided not to police myself or lecture myself about etiquette or principals.
Not to say "stop asking for things and silently work on them."
The truth is, when we silence ourselves it's like putting a cap on a candle.
We snuff out our own hopes and dreams.
We suck the air right out and then cry when we find the dead things.
The things we wish we had.
The things we wanted or needed so badly but refused to show up asking for.
Every day I read my list and I thank the universe for it all.
Some of the things in there include "an unexpected apology" and "a thank you note".
"The ability to give JOY."
"The ability to receive JOY."
My heart felt called that day to write out many things that served myself and others.
Every day since, I have been in awe as I watch it all unfold before me.
As I see the beautiful affects of allowing my heart to breathe.
Friends -- write your letter.
And do not tuck it away in your mind or a notebook.
Keep it out.
Read it out.
Tattoo the words on your heart.
Instead if reciting discomfort, speak the things you wish into reality. ♡
The answers are often waiting at the tip of your fingers and tongue.
J.S. Jaded Savior
I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "whole" and how unattainable it feels for someone who has been shattered by abuse.
We idolize this idea of "whole" because we think there are people out there who just "are".
Who were born into the perfect, loving family.
Who never had to struggle without money or shelter or food or provisions.
Whole means holidays of magic and celebration.
Whole means a full fridge all the time and a happy person ready to cook and serve it.
Whole means loving relationships and healthy communities that all go [not out of their way] exactly as ALL IN as they should into helping one another out.
Whole means friends who show up, call, celebrate, and encourage you.
Whole means a job you love and an environment you absolutely love showing up to.
Whole means great health and balanced diets. Strong bodies and athletic stamina.
Whole means pleasured and pleasuring and nights full of orgasmic perfection.
Whole means all time is managed and all nooks are in their crannies and all bows are perfectly symmetrical.
Whole means never having to heal from the bad.
Whole means kisses and promises dont taste like regrets.
Whole means heard.
Now a days I ask myself...
Who even is "whole"?
Who had the luxury of being raised "whole" without nightmares or anxiety or depression?
Without illusions of who they can really trust or what their reality is really like without abuse?
Probably very few.
I want to talk about our TRUTHS.
The things that keep our shards of broken emotions taped together.
"I want to shake the standard and provoke the term 'whole' because too many people are avoiding their truths thinking that facades are crazy glue.
The truths are that we are every bit made up of trauma, each and everyone one of us is in some way hurt.
And so long as we chase our tails thinking the tip of healing is the end all, we do not really see the entire value of what we are in the present.
Not being whole has taught you a whole lot about life.
Not being perfect has helped you to grow through your mistakes.
You just need a reminder daily that what you are currently is a moving mosaic.
And it is beautiful.
So sit down with it, the fragments of your being.
And tell yourself it is enough now.
You are enough right now, your valuable insight and resilient nature.
And you will never "become somebody" or "do something meaningful" once you are "whole".
You will be invaluable now if you speak your truths.
Your purpose now is to be transparent during the hard days.
So that we can all realize we are quite similar.
And finally stand together.
J.S. Jaded Savior
You cannot have a healthy life if you are busy building your house with mud.
If everything every negative person throws at you, you honor as bricks.
Your foundation is only created with honesty, transparency, and awareness.
Those are three different fundamental ingredients in building a healthy YOU.
Though linked, they serve entirely different purposes in your life.
Honesty is the tool we use to differentiate between right and wrong.
Transparency is the way we paint that truth for others to see.
Awareness is the way we paint it for ourselves.
You cannot keep picking up mud from others when they do not have a foundation to even stand on.
No amount of money can buy the ground in which I talk about standing on.
No experience in the world can fabricate it, unless you apply what truths you have discovered to your personal growth.
In the end, we are all a sum of our truths.
I decided that my truths had to be painted across my whole life.
I had to reveal to people what my struggles really are.
As someone with PTSD, I am often stuck in my own past truths.
The stories that came along with the beginning of my life.
I have only been building that foundation for 29 years, 28 of which I spent worried about what people might think.
What will people say if I tell them my present? My past?
If who I am feels empty of a sense of "home" because trauma taught me how to live life on the streets.
Always with no strings attached and ready to burn bridges.
With a paintbrush in one hand and a match in the other.
I never wanted to believe other people's bullshit and baggage ---> infact my hypervigilance made me see the mud beneath their fists, their elevated heartbeats and loud thoughts.
I grew up around people who did not know the concept of truth.
Mental illness made my parents believe in stories that never even happened while running out scenarios they never could remember.
That is what addiction does.
What schizophrenia did.
Paint pictures on the wall of mud caves and convince them it was a mansion.
I chose early on to not fall for illusions but that kept me fearful of building something for myself.
I always questioned if I was capable of making my own dreams come true ----
Or if PTSD just kept me stuck as little girl making sandcastles in the sand.
At 29, I've had an awakening.
I've woken up to realize that sand was just mud.
And all I have done is sat around squeezing it through my fingers like a stress ball to ease my anxiety.
I have come to realize, through education and healing, that those people who gave me mud were not sitting around laughing.
That would be rational.
When someone throws constant judgement and criticisms at you, tries to tell you who you are for you and dismantle your chances of happiness-----> they do not have the capability or awareness to stop. Or say sorry.
Sick people cannot apologize for misleading you.
Guess what they lack?
Mud flingers have no foundation.
How on earth do you expect them to help you create yours?
So what is the solution?
The ironic thing is we often learn the hard way.
Through struggle and awareness, we realize we did not need anyone else.
Growing up, I had very little encouragement to follow my dreams. My life was kept very sheltered and controlled.
But I grew only as big as the tank that held me every single time.
Now I know I need to stop expecting tools or encouragement from broken people.
I can be resourceful AF on my own if I'm not sitting around waiting for others, especially those surrounding me, to build my life.
I know what it takes.
Sitting with my truths. Speaking my truths.
Brick by brick.
Until I arrive at the life I love, in full cognizance of the things that made me become healthy and whole.
J.S. Jaded Savior
When you start showing up and speaking your truths, the BIG PUSH happens.
I like to call this the "big push" and I always thought it was because it was a shove at you for DOING SOMETHING WRONG -----> BUT IT IS ACTUALLY THE UNIVERSE PUSHING WHAT IS BAD AWAY FROM YOU.
The BIG PUSH happens like this:
You start to speak up about your BOUNDARIES.
You begin to
out your true feelings and
desires out into the universe.
You let your entire circle know what is UP.
The truth about your emotions, your needs, your likes, your dislikes.
The truth about your depression, your anxiety, your mental health.
The truth about what people piss you off, what wrongs have been done, what lines have been crossed.
And then, pushed out of the nest like a baby bird with fuzz on its ass still.
The universe says -------> FLY.
Some of you will FREEZE mid air, saying
Faaak faak faaak $#!T as you fall.
Some of you will look for any ledge or branch or familiar safety to GRAB desperately onto, because you did not feel ready for the gust of wind feeling like it is tunneling through your lungs and gravity that would quickly steal control from your body after leaping.
The truth though, is that it was worth that leap.
Worth the pent up anger and frustration you have had while living as "passing" in miserable situations and toxic relationships.
The big push is not in place to kill you or your self esteem.
Once I processed my feelings as I cascaded down heavily through the air of truth, I realized all I had to do to survive it was expand.
Expand my arms for the glide.
To embrace the wind as it carried me not down through lower expectations but AHEAD on nee horizons.
As a survivor of the fall, I am telling you now that I left the nest with my truths not with a fear of falling but with a clear of remaining stuck and in suspension of growth for never leaving.
For never even seeing what life would be like if I could fly.
This year, the BIG PUSH was a reward for taking that chance.
As I wrote out my truths and worked through them, I figured out more puzzle pieces as to who I am.
As I honored my BOUNDARIES, friends who did not were PUSHED OUT.
As I honored my needs, the items or things I did not need in my life were PUSHED OUT.
When I sat with myself to face my own fears and demons, the anxiety and the pain of walking daily with coal in my chest were PUSHED OUT.
THE NIGHTMARES WERE PUSHED OUT.
Because I stopped living in my own box of fears and depression, instead taking them to paper or computer screen for awareness and validation -------> my crippling fear of not being enough got PUSHED OUT.
I SHED SO MANY UNNEEDED THINGS IN 2019.
I PUSHED EVERYTHING THAT DID NOT WORK FOR ME OUT.
I spent years holding onto friendships and acquaintances with people who did not care for me or about me in the way that I WANTED TO BE CARED FOR, because of the anxiety of letting them go.
I felt guilt to cut people out.
I thought I had to love everyone regardless of how they treated me because I was happy eating other peoples crumbs of care instead of baking my own damn pie.
This revelation is so juicy, I can strip out all the metaphors.
I can tell you I simply trusted that I could show up and be myself, tell my truths, and be worthy of love.
I then decided I could love myself through the process, even if no one else did.
So I leaped.
I write about my mental health, the abuse I have endured, the revelations I have and the thoughts that come from my soul.
I no longer GAF who holds a word count to my posts.
I no longer worry when I hit share.
I do not time or limit or pressure myself when I speak or write my truths.
I do not censor or screen myself before I share what I think and believe.
Because I no longer live under anyone else's standards but my own.
I used to think the BIG PUSH was the Universe saying "Jean, you suck."
■ WRITE TOO MUCH
■ TALK TOO MUCH
■ THINK TOO MUCH
■ PLAN TOO MUCH
■ ARE TOO MUCH
I was pretty sure I'd been born or maybe created into TOO MUCH because of being neglected or taught the wrong things since I grew up in an abusive environment.
I thought I was too much for wanting to tell people that:
■ HAVING ABUSIVE PARENTS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ HAVING A CHEATING OR LYING PARTNER IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ HAVING BEEN NEGLECTED OR GAS LIT AND GHOSTED IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ LIVING WITH ADDICTS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ STAYING WITH AN ABUSIVE COPARENT TO HONOR THE KIDS IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ HAVING FRIENDS WHO LOVE MISERY AND NO COMPANY IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ MASKING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES WITH CODEPENDENCY, ADDICTIONS, OR OVERCOMPENSATION IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ LIVING IN STRUGGLE CHRONICALLY AND NOT CHANGING HABITS/LIFESTYLE IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY
■ LIVING WITH MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES AND NOT SEEKING HELP IS NOT NORMAL OR HEALTHY.
AND LASTLY, "NORMAL" IS NOT SYNONYMOUS WITH "HEALTHY".
Once I was ready to speak up about my experiences with sex, birth, abortion, abuse, domestic violence, eating disorders, neglectful and abusive family, gas lighting and ghosting lovers/friends, narcissists in my life, and the physical trauma it all caused me ---->
Such as: depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, night terrors, panic attacks, heart palpitations, shortness of breathe, foggy brain, speech slurs, stutters, indigestion, weight gain or loss, skin problems, circulation problems, stomach pains, body aches, hair loss etc.
I suddenly felt RELIEF.
Relief that I did not have to hide myself from everyone ----> from happiness.
Now that I am on the other side of Trauma, the place of recovery, I realize I only nested myself in unhappiness because joy felt foreign.
I did not believe I was able to achieve past a certain level in life because I had been stuck in trauma for so many years.
The BIG PUSH did the rest for me after I made the first move.
So now I'm telling you one vital thing.
If you want to heal, you need to tell the truth.
To your friends, your coworkers, your parents, your partner, your kids, your bestfriend.
Most importantly, yourself.
No one else is going to care if you are ever brave enough.
In fact, many people in your life count on you to stay perched in your nest.
In your discomfort.
I want you to be brave enough to leave it all behind.
And know you do not even need to think or plan or map out what is best for you.
All you have to do is honor yourself.
The rest is going to follow according to the moves you make.
Happiness is trusting the air beneath your wings will take you exactly where you want to go.
Embrace it. ♡
J.S. Jaded Savior
There comes a point in your life when you realize that enough is enough.
You are NO LONGER WILLING to be a participant in the wreckage of a love story, in the enablement of abuse, in the blood ties of parent and child that raised you up with a distorted sense of self and normalcy.
You are NO LONGER WILLING to be somebody else's
That girl who let those things occur, her time card has been BURNED.
I invite you to embrace the FLAMES.
To watch how all the false promises, deceitful reassurances, and "please don't leave me's" light up in sparks and turn into nothing but ash in the wind.
An awakening is happening and it is lighting up all of your senses... can you feel it?
Let the wave of flames take you over and the deep emotional aches become contractions of change.
It is time you walk the fire.
And only a soul who embodies the Phoenix, of transcendence, will complete the journey unscorched.
J.S. Jaded Savior
Being a Trauma survivor, I have had major issues with:
➸ IRRATIONAL FEARS
➸ LACK OF AUTHORITY
➸ LACK OF FAITH
➸ LOSS OF SPIRIT
☣☠ Trauma had me convinced I was not "normal" and that everything was dangerous or suspicious.
When someones' body language or voice or facial expressions gave me a hint of discomfort or sense of suspicion, I immediately withdrew myself from them or the situation.
But a lot of times I was just being triggered and feeling uncomfortable due to something I did not want to confront.
Maybe it was insecurities about myself or a lack of personal growth in a certain area, a weak spot I just refused to confront.
But all I knew was my gut was saying HECK NO -- BACK UP.
I wish I could go back to those moments, like pin tacks on a map in a murder hunt marking all the places I died a little inside.
All those significant little blips on a map that killed off my ability to trust, grow or learn.
I did not know that resistance could keep me from personal growth.
All I learned growing up in a dangerous and abusive household was that I had to steer clear of anything that put me in a position to be hurt. Whether physical, mental or emotional pain was about to take place.
I felt those triggers and pains frequently. When you have a parent that yells, throws china at the wall and tears down the entertainment center in a drunken rage on a nightly basis, you quickly develop an understanding of why some of the smallest and sweetest looking animals have quills.
Danger is lurking everywhere when you are in the land of predators, and even your own biological parents could potentially take you out.
As I grew, that fear and distrust built a wall around me.
Though I would have labeled myself as outgoing and sociable at the time, I realize I had a LOT of symptoms of PTSD and depression.
I kept myself at bay and kept the people in my life convinced I was ok by being an overachiever.
I also tried to have an eternally happy disposition all the dang time. Regardless of what was in my path, everyone saw me as successful and capable. As someone who evaded the path of pain trauma leaves people with. Because I applied myself. Because I was out doing things.
But I did things that served my comfort zones, not my true goals.
I just skated safely in the area of what I truly wanted.
I tried to fit in and keep myself busy.
I spent money on looking the part and being the role I felt I needed to be in order to pass as fine.
As happy and well adjusted.
The truth was hidden in what I did when no one was around.
In the ways, I could not be alone or in when I was alone and just crumbled in my emotions.
The truth was hidden in the times I did not cry or felt numb at things that are appropriately sad or scary.
And more so at my complete self-reliance because I could not let people in to care for me.
I had to prove I could do things all alone.
I had to prove that I could be more than a statistic or a stigma as a teen mom and then a single mom in college.
I was successful and I did A LOT. I wanted to work and go to classes full time. In fact, I piled way too much responsibility on myself and then in my free time went out or hung around friends ---- because I did not want to be alone with myself in my little apartment.
The silence and the darkness would eat at me and I would have flashbacks, panic attacks, deep depression and spirals.
My chores would pile up and my responsibilities would crush me every single time we had a vacation or off time from classes.
I did not know how to lean into myself or who I was. I was hollow when I actually humored my thoughts. I did not know who I was past the many things I was constantly doing.
And so everything reflected that.
Tons of unfinished projects and things that needed to get done pushed to the side all to appease my comfort zone.
Taking way too long or putting off the hard things.
I finally had to face it all this year when I finally experienced quiet --- lack of chaos and that long list of things to do --- and that made me very quickly hit rock bottom.
Realizing my lack of trust, lack of hard experiences or avoidance of hard things ----> It all pushed a rage and depression out of me that I never experienced before.
And suddenly once again I did not know who I was when I looked in the mirror.
Every day I literally said out loud that I hated everything.
"I hate this..." I would cry out... " I hate myself.."
And that mood would rub off on my partner, my kids.. my work..
I finally had to face myself.
And do something unexpected.
I had to admit my flaws and my truths.
To admit the bullshit...and STOP all the spiraling thoughts about not being good enough.
The truth was, I was just living in a constant loop of self-destruction but finally got so exhausted I gave up altogether. For a few days I did not shower, did not want to eat, and could not be near anyone. I did not want to have to even get out of bed. Or talk to my kids.
It was fucking hard and shameful.
But I am so thankful now I leaned in and let it happen.
I allowed myself to let go of control and chaos.. to just FALL. HARD, ON MY FACE.
And then.... like an instinct kicking in, I was able to get back up.
I got up enough to wash myself and have a hard F*cking cry in the shower.
Then I made a conscious decision to change.
Not just my mindset and my present time, but my story.
So I sat at the computer and I started to type.
I wrote out feelings and memories.
I cried all the way through it.
But I just kept writing and pouring out my soul.
And in that out pour came inspiration for my new path.
Finally the right direction.
With honesty, vulnerability, and healing that I never before realized were the pieces missing in who I was.
I realized I needed to find myself in words where my own mind could not keep them trapped or confused.
A place to write and RELEASE.
IT has been a few months now and a NEW season since that meltdown.
And I can truly say I feel 100 years ahead of who and what I was then.
I have learned since that those bullshit traits I was trying to convince myself made up who I was were just that -- bullshit reactions to TRAUMA. My brain was trauma trained since childhood and I never knew better.. not until now.
And now that I am informed, being educated daily and living intentionally with the purpose of healing and growing ---> My soul is ignited with such purpose and LOVE.
All the excuses in the past and fears I had are just falling, as I molt those old identities and truths.
Truth is I no longer need them.
Where I am heading, who I am stepping into literally has to pack light.
I have no room for :
➸ TRUST ISSUES
➸ CONTROL ISSUES
➸ RESISTANCE ISSUES
➸ IRRATIONAL FEARS
➸ LACK OF AUTHORITY
➸ LACK OF FAITH
➸ LOSS OF SPIRIT
My heart is so full every day of:
And I cannot sell some PILL, CLASS, PROGRAM, OR BEVERAGE to provide just made these things.....
I did not drink a Koolade or find a magic potion.
I made a promise to myself and then I honored it.
That is how my healing journey began.
Now my gratitude reminds me daily that it is SO easy to change.
To be reborn.
And I am forever changed, with motivation to write and so many stories yet to be told.
J.S. Jaded Savior📷
J.S. Jaded Savior
J.S. Trauma + Healing Stories
A collective of stories about Trauma + Healing, to promote awareness, validation and support for Trauma Survivors.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: firstname.lastname@example.org
EMPOWERING MINDS SINCE 2019