Trauma + Healing Stories
Empowerment + Validation + Support for Trauma Survivors, one story at a time.
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Tonight, sitting in the bathroom and writing inside the tiniest binder I have ever found, I am setting some intentions for my personal growth and healing journey. I am writing to the Universe and speaking my truths. ♡ ☆☆○☆☆ I have decluttered and organized mine and my spouses little bedroom + our kids little bedroom to show love and appreciation for it. After almost 5 years living in my in laws place for help while we struggled, showing frustration and circling in my small space like a stressed out tigress ----> I have finally surrendered to this space. Instead of letting my depression paint these walls and the caving in of unintentional space being taken up sink me further ----> I have utilized the rebirthing energy I have had all day long to RECLAIM THIS SPACE. Tonight I am thankful for the JOURNEY and I am telling it this was all great for my growth but I am ready for MORE. I gave my three kids who share their little room a bunch of space and organization now to sit and play with intention, to display their art, and appreciate the fact that they share it all with love and joy. It is hard to feel JOY when you do not feel like you can BREATHE in your space. I have never known what it feels like to have a HOME of my own. I never went to bed feeling safe in my bed or like it was a place I could miss. I've always been ready to roam, no weights on my ankles or reason to hold myself back. I write in this little book my complete desire for HOME. A HOME FOR MY FAMILY. A HOME FOR MY PASSIONS. A HOME FOR MY HEART. I cannot wait to speak unto the Universe for my biggest dreams and goals, without fears that my ink spilled in waste. I am ready to receive as well as believe I am worthy of more. More growth. More love. More joy. My bookshelf is now only filled with the books that will bring my future closer to me. An alter space has now been created with my favorite photos + mantras + the start of my crystal collection and my money jar. I have wishes in tiny corked bottles and a magical little purple bag with stars that holds other intentions and wishes. I am stepping into my power as I finish off 2019 and it feels so good. Like a door is closing and I'm now looking forward on a path paved just for me. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior  
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On December 11th I wrote a text to the Universe [and my email address]. I asked for specific blessings of the things my heart wanted. Since that afternoon, with tears of anxiety and fear in my eyes, I have anxiously repeated my list. Not because I was dying to receive objects..... Because I was dying to be heard. And seen. And valued. By myself. By others. By the universal energy that provides. And I've learned something since that you may find quite valuable. I did not receive any of it without first asking. First I knocked on the universe's door. Then I began writing intuitively each day. Pouring my heart out and sharing my vulnerability without criticizing myself for my: NEEDS DESIRES GRAMMAR TIMING TRUTHS I decided not to police myself or lecture myself about etiquette or principals. Not to say "stop asking for things and silently work on them." The truth is, when we silence ourselves it's like putting a cap on a candle. We snuff out our own hopes and dreams. We suck the air right out and then cry when we find the dead things. The things we wish we had. The things we wanted or needed so badly but refused to show up asking for. Every day I read my list and I thank the universe for it all. Some of the things in there include "an unexpected apology" and "a thank you note". "The ability to give JOY." "The ability to receive JOY." My heart felt called that day to write out many things that served myself and others. Every day since, I have been in awe as I watch it all unfold before me. As I see the beautiful affects of allowing my heart to breathe. Friends -- write your letter. And do not tuck it away in your mind or a notebook. Keep it out. Read it out. Tattoo the words on your heart. Instead if reciting discomfort, speak the things you wish into reality. ♡ The answers are often waiting at the tip of your fingers and tongue. J.S. Jaded Savior  I've been thinking a lot about the concept of "whole" and how unattainable it feels for someone who has been shattered by abuse. We idolize this idea of "whole" because we think there are people out there who just "are". Who were born into the perfect, loving family. Who never had to struggle without money or shelter or food or provisions. Whole means holidays of magic and celebration. Whole means a full fridge all the time and a happy person ready to cook and serve it. Whole means loving relationships and healthy communities that all go [not out of their way] exactly as ALL IN as they should into helping one another out. Whole means friends who show up, call, celebrate, and encourage you. Whole means a job you love and an environment you absolutely love showing up to. Whole means great health and balanced diets. Strong bodies and athletic stamina. Whole means pleasured and pleasuring and nights full of orgasmic perfection. Whole means all time is managed and all nooks are in their crannies and all bows are perfectly symmetrical. Whole means never having to heal from the bad. Whole means kisses and promises dont taste like regrets. Whole means heard. And seen. And valued. Now a days I ask myself... Who even is "whole"? Who had the luxury of being raised "whole" without nightmares or anxiety or depression? Without illusions of who they can really trust or what their reality is really like without abuse? Maybe some. Probably very few. I want to talk about our TRUTHS. The things that keep our shards of broken emotions taped together. "I want to shake the standard and provoke the term 'whole' because too many people are avoiding their truths thinking that facades are crazy glue. The truths are that we are every bit made up of trauma, each and everyone one of us is in some way hurt. And so long as we chase our tails thinking the tip of healing is the end all, we do not really see the entire value of what we are in the present. Not being whole has taught you a whole lot about life. Not being perfect has helped you to grow through your mistakes. You just need a reminder daily that what you are currently is a moving mosaic. And it is beautiful. So sit down with it, the fragments of your being. And tell yourself it is enough now. You are enough right now, your valuable insight and resilient nature. And you will never "become somebody" or "do something meaningful" once you are "whole". You will be invaluable now if you speak your truths. Your purpose now is to be transparent during the hard days. So that we can all realize we are quite similar. And finally stand together. ♡ J.S. Jaded Savior  Can we just finally come out and say it? Resting B**th face SUCKS as a term. I am mostly serious in my expressions. I am not bright and bubbly every day, even though I am empathic and super passionate about many things. My facial expression often embodies that of a calm horizon, my skin feeling the warmth captured within my eyes. I have a STRAIGHT mouth, parallel to my eyebrows ----> serious as $Hit face. And I will not apologize for it. Though it does feel AAAAHHMMAAAZING to embrace my smile when I love something or feel a burning passion in the experience I have when I FEEL joy -----> that is not me MOST OF THE TIME. I have been told not to "show I feel bad" because it may turn people off. I have been told not to "show such seriousness" because it may make people get the wrong idea of my character. I have been asked "WHAT'S WRONG?!" hundreds of thousands of times since I was a young girl for having a: ■ B!tch face ■ Attitude ■ Sour expression ■ Depressing look And all that it did for me was reaffirm the fact that we as INDIVIDUALS do not need to ALWAYS smile. In fact, I promise you that your emotional state or self esteem are NOT reflecting through the amount of teeth you show. There have been plenty of times I have smiled for pictures or in front of others just to PASS AS OK. There have been plenty of "B faced" moments when I was really just in deep thought, had to pee, had a sudden calmness or just----> wait for it..... DID NOT EFFEN FEEL LIKE SMILING. And all of that is OK. Because your face is not showing up to the party for anyone. And whatever you are feeling, it is important you honor those feelings----> even at the expense of looking a way that someone will not understand or want to question. And ALSO, if you just do not feel like it---> it is YOUR RIGHT not to smile. I am so sick of women in society being labeled as B!tches for not smiling. I tell my daughter all the time that all her feelings are valid and she can express them however she chooses. As will I. Though I should be self aware of my emotions, I will not police my face for wanting to: □ chill □ relax □ meet the horizon □ mimmick the sunset □ meet nobodies expectations. And I applaud all of you SERIOUS women who honor your own movements and emotions the way YOU want to ---> without having to carry the bullshit guilt others try so desperately to place on everyone else but themselves. I am a complex woman with many emotions and full awareness. This straight face is me choosing the autonomy to just BE. At the expense of leaving my true mood up to mystery for others... Or encouraging people to just "ask" if they want to know so badly what is in my head or my heart. J.S. Jaded Savior  Being a Trauma survivor, I have had major issues with:
➸ TRUST ➸ CONTROL ➸ RESISTANCE ➸ IRRATIONAL FEARS ➸ LACK OF AUTHORITY ➸ LACK OF FAITH ➸ LOSS OF SPIRIT ☣☠ Trauma had me convinced I was not "normal" and that everything was dangerous or suspicious. When someones' body language or voice or facial expressions gave me a hint of discomfort or sense of suspicion, I immediately withdrew myself from them or the situation. But a lot of times I was just being triggered and feeling uncomfortable due to something I did not want to confront. Maybe it was insecurities about myself or a lack of personal growth in a certain area, a weak spot I just refused to confront. But all I knew was my gut was saying HECK NO -- BACK UP. I wish I could go back to those moments, like pin tacks on a map in a murder hunt marking all the places I died a little inside. All those significant little blips on a map that killed off my ability to trust, grow or learn. I did not know that resistance could keep me from personal growth. All I learned growing up in a dangerous and abusive household was that I had to steer clear of anything that put me in a position to be hurt. Whether physical, mental or emotional pain was about to take place. I felt those triggers and pains frequently. When you have a parent that yells, throws china at the wall and tears down the entertainment center in a drunken rage on a nightly basis, you quickly develop an understanding of why some of the smallest and sweetest looking animals have quills. Danger is lurking everywhere when you are in the land of predators, and even your own biological parents could potentially take you out. As I grew, that fear and distrust built a wall around me. Though I would have labeled myself as outgoing and sociable at the time, I realize I had a LOT of symptoms of PTSD and depression. I kept myself at bay and kept the people in my life convinced I was ok by being an overachiever. I also tried to have an eternally happy disposition all the dang time. Regardless of what was in my path, everyone saw me as successful and capable. As someone who evaded the path of pain trauma leaves people with. Because I applied myself. Because I was out doing things. But I did things that served my comfort zones, not my true goals. I just skated safely in the area of what I truly wanted. I tried to fit in and keep myself busy. I spent money on looking the part and being the role I felt I needed to be in order to pass as fine. As happy and well adjusted. The truth was hidden in what I did when no one was around. In the ways, I could not be alone or in when I was alone and just crumbled in my emotions. The truth was hidden in the times I did not cry or felt numb at things that are appropriately sad or scary. And more so at my complete self-reliance because I could not let people in to care for me. I had to prove I could do things all alone. I had to prove that I could be more than a statistic or a stigma as a teen mom and then a single mom in college. I was successful and I did A LOT. I wanted to work and go to classes full time. In fact, I piled way too much responsibility on myself and then in my free time went out or hung around friends ---- because I did not want to be alone with myself in my little apartment. The silence and the darkness would eat at me and I would have flashbacks, panic attacks, deep depression and spirals. My chores would pile up and my responsibilities would crush me every single time we had a vacation or off time from classes. I did not know how to lean into myself or who I was. I was hollow when I actually humored my thoughts. I did not know who I was past the many things I was constantly doing. And so everything reflected that. Tons of unfinished projects and things that needed to get done pushed to the side all to appease my comfort zone. Taking way too long or putting off the hard things. I finally had to face it all this year when I finally experienced quiet --- lack of chaos and that long list of things to do --- and that made me very quickly hit rock bottom. Realizing my lack of trust, lack of hard experiences or avoidance of hard things ----> It all pushed a rage and depression out of me that I never experienced before. And suddenly once again I did not know who I was when I looked in the mirror. Every day I literally said out loud that I hated everything. "I hate this..." I would cry out... " I hate myself.." And that mood would rub off on my partner, my kids.. my work.. I finally had to face myself. And do something unexpected. I had to admit my flaws and my truths. To admit the bullshit...and STOP all the spiraling thoughts about not being good enough. The truth was, I was just living in a constant loop of self-destruction but finally got so exhausted I gave up altogether. For a few days I did not shower, did not want to eat, and could not be near anyone. I did not want to have to even get out of bed. Or talk to my kids. It was fucking hard and shameful. But I am so thankful now I leaned in and let it happen. I allowed myself to let go of control and chaos.. to just FALL. HARD, ON MY FACE. And then.... like an instinct kicking in, I was able to get back up. I got up enough to wash myself and have a hard F*cking cry in the shower. Then I made a conscious decision to change. Not just my mindset and my present time, but my story. So I sat at the computer and I started to type. I wrote out feelings and memories. I cried all the way through it. But I just kept writing and pouring out my soul. ✍ And in that out pour came inspiration for my new path. Finally the right direction. With honesty, vulnerability, and healing that I never before realized were the pieces missing in who I was. I realized I needed to find myself in words where my own mind could not keep them trapped or confused. A place to write and RELEASE. IT has been a few months now and a NEW season since that meltdown. And I can truly say I feel 100 years ahead of who and what I was then. I have learned since that those bullshit traits I was trying to convince myself made up who I was were just that -- bullshit reactions to TRAUMA. My brain was trauma trained since childhood and I never knew better.. not until now. And now that I am informed, being educated daily and living intentionally with the purpose of healing and growing ---> My soul is ignited with such purpose and LOVE. All the excuses in the past and fears I had are just falling, as I molt those old identities and truths. Truth is I no longer need them. Where I am heading, who I am stepping into literally has to pack light. I have no room for : ➸ TRUST ISSUES ➸ CONTROL ISSUES ➸ RESISTANCE ISSUES ➸ IRRATIONAL FEARS ➸ LACK OF AUTHORITY ➸ LACK OF FAITH ➸ LOSS OF SPIRIT My heart is so full every day of: ☆ Inspiration ☆ Excitement ☆ Meaning ☆ Passion ☆ Validation And I cannot sell some PILL, CLASS, PROGRAM, OR BEVERAGE to provide just made these things..... I did not drink a Koolade or find a magic potion. I made a promise to myself and then I honored it. That is how my healing journey began. Now my gratitude reminds me daily that it is SO easy to change. To be reborn. And I am forever changed, with motivation to write and so many stories yet to be told. J.S. Jaded Savior📷 J.S. Jaded Savior |
J.S. Trauma + Healing StoriesA collective of stories about Trauma + Healing, to promote awareness, validation and support for Trauma Survivors. Categories
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TRIGGER WARNING: Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: jadedsaviorblog@gmail.com |
EMPOWERING MINDS SINCE 2019
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