Trauma + Healing Stories
Empowerment + Validation + Support for Trauma Survivors, one story at a time.
Tonight, sitting in the bathroom and writing inside the tiniest binder I have ever found, I am setting some intentions for my personal growth and healing journey.
I am writing to the Universe and speaking my truths. ♡
I have decluttered and organized mine and my spouses little bedroom + our kids little bedroom to show love and appreciation for it.
After almost 5 years living in my in laws place for help while we struggled, showing frustration and circling in my small space like a stressed out tigress ----> I have finally surrendered to this space.
Instead of letting my depression paint these walls and the caving in of unintentional space being taken up sink me further ----> I have utilized the rebirthing energy I have had all day long to RECLAIM THIS SPACE.
Tonight I am thankful for the JOURNEY and I am telling it this was all great for my growth but I am ready for MORE.
I gave my three kids who share their little room a bunch of space and organization now to sit and play with intention, to display their art, and appreciate the fact that they share it all with love and joy.
It is hard to feel JOY when you do not feel like you can BREATHE in your space.
I have never known what it feels like to have a HOME of my own.
I never went to bed feeling safe in my bed or like it was a place I could miss.
I've always been ready to roam, no weights on my ankles or reason to hold myself back.
I write in this little book my complete desire for HOME.
A HOME FOR MY FAMILY.
A HOME FOR MY PASSIONS.
A HOME FOR MY HEART.
I cannot wait to speak unto the Universe for my biggest dreams and goals, without fears that my ink spilled in waste.
I am ready to receive as well as believe I am worthy of more.
My bookshelf is now only filled with the books that will bring my future closer to me.
An alter space has now been created with my favorite photos + mantras + the start of my crystal collection and my money jar.
I have wishes in tiny corked bottles and a magical little purple bag with stars that holds other intentions and wishes.
I am stepping into my power as I finish off 2019 and it feels so good.
Like a door is closing and I'm now looking forward on a path paved just for me.
J.S. Jaded Savior
On December 11th I wrote a text to the Universe [and my email address]. I asked for specific blessings of the things my heart wanted.
Since that afternoon, with tears of anxiety and fear in my eyes, I have anxiously repeated my list. Not because I was dying to receive objects.....
Because I was dying to be heard.
By myself. By others. By the universal energy that provides.
And I've learned something since that you may find quite valuable.
I did not receive any of it without first asking.
First I knocked on the universe's door.
Then I began writing intuitively each day.
Pouring my heart out and sharing my vulnerability without criticizing myself for my:
I decided not to police myself or lecture myself about etiquette or principals.
Not to say "stop asking for things and silently work on them."
The truth is, when we silence ourselves it's like putting a cap on a candle.
We snuff out our own hopes and dreams.
We suck the air right out and then cry when we find the dead things.
The things we wish we had.
The things we wanted or needed so badly but refused to show up asking for.
Every day I read my list and I thank the universe for it all.
Some of the things in there include "an unexpected apology" and "a thank you note".
"The ability to give JOY."
"The ability to receive JOY."
My heart felt called that day to write out many things that served myself and others.
Every day since, I have been in awe as I watch it all unfold before me.
As I see the beautiful affects of allowing my heart to breathe.
Friends -- write your letter.
And do not tuck it away in your mind or a notebook.
Keep it out.
Read it out.
Tattoo the words on your heart.
Instead if reciting discomfort, speak the things you wish into reality. ♡
The answers are often waiting at the tip of your fingers and tongue.
J.S. Jaded Savior
You cannot have a healthy life if you are busy building your house with mud.
If everything every negative person throws at you, you honor as bricks.
Your foundation is only created with honesty, transparency, and awareness.
Those are three different fundamental ingredients in building a healthy YOU.
Though linked, they serve entirely different purposes in your life.
Honesty is the tool we use to differentiate between right and wrong.
Transparency is the way we paint that truth for others to see.
Awareness is the way we paint it for ourselves.
You cannot keep picking up mud from others when they do not have a foundation to even stand on.
No amount of money can buy the ground in which I talk about standing on.
No experience in the world can fabricate it, unless you apply what truths you have discovered to your personal growth.
In the end, we are all a sum of our truths.
I decided that my truths had to be painted across my whole life.
I had to reveal to people what my struggles really are.
As someone with PTSD, I am often stuck in my own past truths.
The stories that came along with the beginning of my life.
I have only been building that foundation for 29 years, 28 of which I spent worried about what people might think.
What will people say if I tell them my present? My past?
If who I am feels empty of a sense of "home" because trauma taught me how to live life on the streets.
Always with no strings attached and ready to burn bridges.
With a paintbrush in one hand and a match in the other.
I never wanted to believe other people's bullshit and baggage ---> infact my hypervigilance made me see the mud beneath their fists, their elevated heartbeats and loud thoughts.
I grew up around people who did not know the concept of truth.
Mental illness made my parents believe in stories that never even happened while running out scenarios they never could remember.
That is what addiction does.
What schizophrenia did.
Paint pictures on the wall of mud caves and convince them it was a mansion.
I chose early on to not fall for illusions but that kept me fearful of building something for myself.
I always questioned if I was capable of making my own dreams come true ----
Or if PTSD just kept me stuck as little girl making sandcastles in the sand.
At 29, I've had an awakening.
I've woken up to realize that sand was just mud.
And all I have done is sat around squeezing it through my fingers like a stress ball to ease my anxiety.
I have come to realize, through education and healing, that those people who gave me mud were not sitting around laughing.
That would be rational.
When someone throws constant judgement and criticisms at you, tries to tell you who you are for you and dismantle your chances of happiness-----> they do not have the capability or awareness to stop. Or say sorry.
Sick people cannot apologize for misleading you.
Guess what they lack?
Mud flingers have no foundation.
How on earth do you expect them to help you create yours?
So what is the solution?
The ironic thing is we often learn the hard way.
Through struggle and awareness, we realize we did not need anyone else.
Growing up, I had very little encouragement to follow my dreams. My life was kept very sheltered and controlled.
But I grew only as big as the tank that held me every single time.
Now I know I need to stop expecting tools or encouragement from broken people.
I can be resourceful AF on my own if I'm not sitting around waiting for others, especially those surrounding me, to build my life.
I know what it takes.
Sitting with my truths. Speaking my truths.
Brick by brick.
Until I arrive at the life I love, in full cognizance of the things that made me become healthy and whole.
J.S. Jaded Savior
There comes a point in your life when you realize that enough is enough.
You are NO LONGER WILLING to be a participant in the wreckage of a love story, in the enablement of abuse, in the blood ties of parent and child that raised you up with a distorted sense of self and normalcy.
You are NO LONGER WILLING to be somebody else's
That girl who let those things occur, her time card has been BURNED.
I invite you to embrace the FLAMES.
To watch how all the false promises, deceitful reassurances, and "please don't leave me's" light up in sparks and turn into nothing but ash in the wind.
An awakening is happening and it is lighting up all of your senses... can you feel it?
Let the wave of flames take you over and the deep emotional aches become contractions of change.
It is time you walk the fire.
And only a soul who embodies the Phoenix, of transcendence, will complete the journey unscorched.
J.S. Jaded Savior
It's been a rough week.
I have felt huge waves of emotions, a lot of doubt in who I am and what my purpose is in this life.
But something amazing has also occured.
I have found my Trauma-voice.
And have given her a secret name.
I now know when she talks to me.
And when the voice starts talking, it sounds a little like this:
"I am not able to get through today. It is too hard."
"I cannot have another day like this."
"I don't know how I am going to survive this."
"I don't have it in me to argue or prove myself. I am just going to be quiet."
I developed a relationship with my inner voice when I was a child.
I have trusted her for so long, not knowing she was separate from who I POTENTIALLY am.
Not knowing that present me often argues with something inside my head that is not even "me".
It is just a ball of energy and smoke, a spirit filled with fears and flashbacks from the hardest times in my life.
Though the emotions within it were once very real, they are all a thing of the past.
I am no longer caught in a war zone.
I no longer get abused by my parents or manipulated and hurt by my exs.
I am safe.
I am present, so long as I separate myself from that voice.
Trauma is NOT me.
She was wounded repeatedly by emotional abuse and horrible physical assaults. She was scarred by unstable relationships and unpredictable moods.
I think for quite some time now, I have known that this voice MUST be separate from "me" because everytime I hit my low points or I am put in a triggering situation ----> I fight my way past it.
This week, in the midst of chaotic kids and a horrible stomach virus, this voice was so loud and it screamed for me to just drop everything. To stop trying. To ignore the world. To sleep.
"But for how long?" I begged to know.
"Who cares"...it whispered.
And in an instant, like waking out of a dream in a cold sweat, I realized the separation from her and I. In fact, I severed it. And I spoke to it with some heavy truths.
"I am so capable. I am able to do whatever I want to do. I am on the right path. I can feel it. I trust it."
Trust in myself ----> that was the blade that cut me free.
I know I will keep hearing this inner voice. This shadow of doubt. I know she is scared and defenseless.
Someone long ago created her.
And in a way, that was a gift.
I have been protected from some potentially deadly situations because I did not take the risk.
I have been able to stay alert, hypervigilant, and scan the people around me in order to draw out potential abusers.
But it has not been a fail proof system.
Her fears let me know it is flawed.
I still took some risks and chances, but always dancing around the safety line.
I have feared growing bigger because of her.
I have told myself before that sharing my story is dangerous.
That I am just creating a road map with tourist stops and pleasure hotels for abusers to reside in <------------
She is still scared of being hurt again and thinks that growth = exposure.
But I want exposure.
I am tired of walking around with these stories burrowed deep into my body.
Making my back ache, my neck sore, my shoulders tense, my knees weak.
I am tired of the fears and pain surging through my veins, keeping me up at night and fencing me in from potential growth --------> I know growth also means healing.
Trauma has been telling me all along that it is not safe to even begin to heal.
She had it all wrong.
In order for me to heal, I need to walk through the belly of the beast.
I need to be brave, vulnerable and trusting with myself that I can take the journey back through my timeline and correct the end result of who I am to become.
Healing = Transcendence
She will never be ready for that, and now that I know this I can do what I do best.
I can silence her in love and I can push myself forward.
Life is all about choices.
My Trauma and PTSD have damaged pieces of me that were not even aware they became dormant.
I have disassociated with the most painful of recollections and that has held me back from seeking out the highest platforms of my potential.
I am ready to step outside of all of the former fears, because the truth is nothing can possibly be scary if I have not even tried it yet.
In fact, scary does not even exist.
It is simply the unknown that I seek.
I will have triggers to tackle -- like loathing and despair, irrationality, and complacency. All of them not speaking but tapping on my heart.
And it will require more rough days ahead.
But the fight is worth it.
J.S. Jaded Savior
JADED SAVIOR: Speak your truths
J.S. Trauma + Healing Stories
A collective of stories about Trauma + Healing, to promote awareness, validation and support for Trauma Survivors.
Content mention of Rape, Abuse, Neglect, Addictions, Mental Illness, Kidnap, Molestation, Child abuse, Teen Pregnancy, Abortion, birth, body image, gender/identity dysphoria, sexuality, personal trauma, domestic violence and other extremely personal stories. Please practice caution. I am not a licensed physician or mental health professional. No medical prescribing is provided on this site, Only personal insights, experience stories, and advice; All stories published have had prior authorization. Questions? Contact Jean at: email@example.com
EMPOWERING MINDS SINCE 2019