I'm not doing this.

I do this thing now that helps me out tremendously when I get "flicked by bullshit".
I say "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

Sometimes it is a whisper.
Sometimes, it is a SHOUT.

Someone from my past tries to slip into my DMs, "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

Someone writes something really negative or mean on a post or share of mine, "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

Someone wants to come out and play picking fight with me about literally anything, "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS." [I hate confrontation and think it is a volatile way of expressing a feeling]

I get anxiety over something not done in the house and start to panic: "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

I am talking with my husband, in clear disagreement, and start to feel angry or not heard/seen, so I gear up to fire back: "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

MY KIDS MAKE A HUGE MESS EVEN THOUGH I SPENT THE WHOLE DAY CLEANING AND SORTING. I AM ABOUT TO LOSE IT OVER THE MESS. "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS."

The point is, I have to do this constantly.

Instead of:
☆ losing my shit
☆ getting pains in my chest
☆ hysterically crying
☆ yelling
☆ hitting a low mood
☆ getting panic attacks
☆ saying things I will regret

I have had toxic ways of reacting. I was raised by emotionally abusive and manipulative people. And loved + lived with similar traits before. I have even had some explosive traits.

Because we are a sum of what we surround ourselves with.

I now refuse to participate.

I never knew I could do that before.
Not sign up for the party.

Not take part in a fight or triggering event that would normally break me, but instead go take space to calm down and explore my emotions to find out why I feel what I do.

Not say things out of regret or defensiveness, but instead taking space to think and process.
This process aids in regulating my emotions.

I actively pull myself out of a moment that I do not like.

This also means big changes had to come in my relationships and what I surround myself with.

I had to honor everything in my space and life as healthy for me. Whatever was not, had to go.

I have had to declutter every corner of my life.

And it feels so....
GOOD.

From now on, even if I need to scream it and run away like a weirdo, I am keeping with my mantra. "NO. I AM NOT DOING THIS!!!!!"

I AM NOT

☆ PARTICIPATING IN ANYTHING THAT IS FLUNG, CATAPULTED, OR SNUCK INTO MY SPACE TO HURT ME.

Nope. I won't.
Not doing it.

The only principal I live by now is, "does it bring me joy?" And if the box checks off, i say "thank you for this."

I tell the universe, hands intertwined and chills throughout my body, that I am so thankful for the good. "Yes. This. Thank you."

Because I am my own boss now, thanks.

J.S. Jaded Savior