Lunch table talk

I've never really had "lunch table" anxiety over who to sit with or worried who would like me. In fact, as soon as I began to realize in 9th grade what drama would occur in those situations, I would skip my lunch period to draw / write in an empty classroom or go to visit my favorite English teacher to talk about books, life, and girl things.

I've never bought into classes being more or less than. Instead I watched humans act out in full panic, embarrassment, shame, fear, insecurities, anger, revenge, deceit and other unregulated ---> god awful feelings.

I watched bullies cry hard in the bathroom and realized hurt people hurt people.

I watched popular girls pick apart their closest friends and judge wardrobes while panicking about their own.

I watched closeted gay students act out in defiance or bullying or resort to bashing the gay community out of shame they could not join it.

I watched kids with abusive parents pass as normal at school, even though I was one of them and whole heartedly knew how "not fine" we were.

I watched people call one another sluts for the way they dress, but had sexually abusive partners or were being peer pressured to have sex by their partner.

I watched boys eager to date, so eager they would stomp on friendships just to conquer the girl like a notch on a belt and then toss her to the side for the next conquest.

I watched friendships dissolve over rumors that were started within their own inner circle.

Growing up in trauma made me see the world differently. I spotted out so much abuse and bullying that I could not bare to be around it and I felt extra terrible every time I became involved in it.

When someone bullied me, I thought of how hard they must have had it.

When someone peer pressured or teased me I thought about how badly they wanted to fit in or how bad they wanted to escape the same labels they teased me with.

Hyper-vigilance and empathy were like paint brushes and jars of colors, allowing me to paint the world around me in order to understand it better.

I spent my time absorbing the scenes and then recreating the marks each moment left on others' into the words I now write so easily.

My flow and passion come from a life long observation of human development and painfully creative truths.

J.S. Jaded Savior