October 05th, 2019

Being a Trauma survivor, I have had major issues with:

➸ TRUST
➸ CONTROL
➸ RESISTANCE
➸ IRRATIONAL FEARS
➸ LACK OF AUTHORITY
➸ LACK OF FAITH
➸ LOSS OF SPIRIT

☣☠ Trauma had me convinced I was not "normal" and that everything was dangerous or suspicious.
When someones' body language or voice or facial expressions gave me a hint of discomfort or sense of suspicion, I immediately withdrew myself from them or the situation.

But a lot of times I was just being triggered and feeling uncomfortable due to something I did not want to confront.

Maybe it was insecurities about myself or a lack of personal growth in a certain area, a weak spot I just refused to confront.

But all I knew was my gut was saying HECK NO -- BACK UP.

I wish I could go back to those moments, like pin tacks on a map in a murder hunt marking all the places I died a little inside.

All those significant little blips on a map that killed off my ability to trust, grow or learn.

I did not know that resistance could keep me from personal growth.

All I learned growing up in a dangerous and abusive household was that I had to steer clear of anything that put me in a position to be hurt. Whether physical, mental or emotional pain was about to take place.

I felt those triggers and pains frequently. When you have a parent that yells, throws china at the wall and tears down the entertainment center in a drunken rage on a nightly basis, you quickly develop an understanding of why some of the smallest and sweetest looking animals have quills.

Danger is lurking everywhere when you are in the land of predators, and even your own biological parents could potentially take you out.

As I grew, that fear and distrust built a wall around me.

Though I would have labeled myself as outgoing and sociable at the time, I realize I had a LOT of symptoms of PTSD and depression.

I kept myself at bay and kept the people in my life convinced I was ok by being an overachiever.

I also tried to have an eternally happy disposition all the dang time. Regardless of what was in my path, everyone saw me as successful and capable. As someone who evaded the path of pain trauma leaves people with. Because I applied myself. Because I was out doing things.

But I did things that served my comfort zones, not my true goals.

I just skated safely in the area of what I truly wanted.

I tried to fit in and keep myself busy.

I spent money on looking the part and being the role I felt I needed to be in order to pass as fine.

As happy and well adjusted.

The truth was hidden in what I did when no one was around.

In the ways, I could not be alone or in when I was alone and just crumbled in my emotions.

The truth was hidden in the times I did not cry or felt numb at things that are appropriately sad or scary.

And more so at my complete self-reliance because I could not let people in to care for me.

I had to prove I could do things all alone.

I had to prove that I could be more than a statistic or a stigma as a teen mom and then a single mom in college.
I was successful and I did A LOT. I wanted to work and go to classes full time. In fact, I piled way too much responsibility on myself and then in my free time went out or hung around friends ---- because I did not want to be alone with myself in my little apartment.

The silence and the darkness would eat at me and I would have flashbacks, panic attacks, deep depression and spirals.

My chores would pile up and my responsibilities would crush me every single time we had a vacation or off time from classes.

I did not know how to lean into myself or who I was. I was hollow when I actually humored my thoughts. I did not know who I was past the many things I was constantly doing.

And so everything reflected that.

Tons of unfinished projects and things that needed to get done pushed to the side all to appease my comfort zone.

Taking way too long or putting off the hard things.

I finally had to face it all this year when I finally experienced quiet --- lack of chaos and that long list of things to do --- and that made me very quickly hit rock bottom.

Realizing my lack of trust, lack of hard experiences or avoidance of hard things ----> It all pushed a rage and depression out of me that I never experienced before.

And suddenly once again I did not know who I was when I looked in the mirror.

Every day I literally said out loud that I hated everything.

"I hate this..." I would cry out... " I hate myself.."

And that mood would rub off on my partner, my kids.. my work..
I finally had to face myself.

And do something unexpected.

I had to admit my flaws and my truths.

To admit the bullshit...and STOP all the spiraling thoughts about not being good enough.

The truth was, I was just living in a constant loop of self-destruction but finally got so exhausted I gave up altogether. For a few days I did not shower, did not want to eat, and could not be near anyone. I did not want to have to even get out of bed. Or talk to my kids.

It was fucking hard and shameful.

But I am so thankful now I leaned in and let it happen.

I allowed myself to let go of control and chaos.. to just FALL. HARD, ON MY FACE.

And then.... like an instinct kicking in, I was able to get back up.

I got up enough to wash myself and have a hard F*cking cry in the shower.

Then I made a conscious decision to change.

Not just my mindset and my present time, but my story.

So I sat at the computer and I started to type.

I wrote out feelings and memories.

I cried all the way through it.

But I just kept writing and pouring out my soul.
✍
And in that out pour came inspiration for my new path.

Finally the right direction.

With honesty, vulnerability, and healing that I never before realized were the pieces missing in who I was.
I realized I needed to find myself in words where my own mind could not keep them trapped or confused.

A place to write and RELEASE.

IT has been a few months now and a NEW season since that meltdown.

And I can truly say I feel 100 years ahead of who and what I was then.

I have learned since that those bullshit traits I was trying to convince myself made up who I was were just that -- bullshit reactions to TRAUMA. My brain was trauma trained since childhood and I never knew better.. not until now.

And now that I am informed, being educated daily and living intentionally with the purpose of healing and growing ---> My soul is ignited with such purpose and LOVE.

All the excuses in the past and fears I had are just falling, as I molt those old identities and truths.

Truth is I no longer need them.

Where I am heading, who I am stepping into literally has to pack light.

I have no room for :

➸ TRUST ISSUES
➸ CONTROL ISSUES
➸ RESISTANCE ISSUES
➸ IRRATIONAL FEARS
➸ LACK OF AUTHORITY
➸ LACK OF FAITH
➸ LOSS OF SPIRIT

My heart is so full every day of:

☆ Inspiration
☆ Excitement
☆ Meaning
☆ Passion
☆ Validation

And I cannot sell some PILL, CLASS, PROGRAM, OR BEVERAGE to provide just made these things.....
I did not drink a Koolade or find a magic potion.

I made a promise to myself and then I honored it.

That is how my healing journey began.

Now my gratitude reminds me daily that it is SO easy to change.

To be reborn.

And I am forever changed, with motivation to write and so many stories yet to be told.

​J.S. Jaded Savior📷

J.S. Jaded Savior