#depression #death #coffee #trauma #healing

Whenever I am on the brink of something amazing, I catch the "self doubt cold".

That isolating and suffocating feeling of "you cannot do this, you do not have it in you."

But then I remind Mrs. Doubt that I can finally realize how much of a "BAD BITCH" I am.

In a reclaim the term and call it being capable kind of way.

Because I've been through some real shit.

I have seen and heard and experiences traumatic, fucked up, abusive shit.

I have been hurt in brutal ways.

I have screamed my lungs out and begged for help out of the pain.

I have been abandoned and thrown out.

I have been betrayed.

But I am still standing here.

And I refuse to lay down.

In fact, over the years my strength went from a whisper to a ROAR.

I have superficial and stupid AF fears now.

Look at me, all cozy in my normal and non
-dysfunctional life. Whimpering at the idea of doing a live video or launching self help courses.

Worried my voice might crack or I might sound nervous.

..... when I have survived nuclear war style fights in my family.

...when I survived being VERY pregnant my senior year of high school where I knew nobody and had just lost everything.

....I have survived domestic fights in the home and brutal abuse from multiple narcissistic people in my family as well as past lovers.

I have undergone so many God damned transformations and burned so many bridges just to get to here.

I KNOW when my chemicals are just out of whack and my fears are just talking out of my butt.

They are irrational.

Unfounded.

Stupid, for lack of a better term to describe how ridiculous self ridicule really is.

Now that I want to do happy and great things, my anxiety is on hyper drive.

As I try to climb out to the light---> depression begs me back in.

Tells me to stay comfortable.

Tells me I will never find a better caretaker than it.

Someone who knows me so well, that they even know my weaknesses. And will keep me safe.

Safe?

I do not want to live safely.

I want to be BOLD.

Live beautifully.

And that means I have to take risks.

With no "at the risk of".

With no freaking buts.

When you are feeling low and depression is signing its signature on your back, in all honesty ---> TELL IT TO FK OFF.

You got better things to do and accomplish and you are so not ready to lay down.

J.S. Jaded Savior

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